Episode 5: The Rancher’s Request Transcript
Transcript Note: Next in the Order’s episodes are hand-transcribed by members of the cast. If you find issues with accuracy, clarity, or formatting, please let us know and we’ll get it fixed as soon as we possibly can! You can contact us via Instagram or Twitter @nextintheorder.
A PDF version of this transcript can be found here!
JAS: It was an ordinary day, that day in the pasture. The day that the ground opened up, and light and fear poured out. The cows were mooing, wind danced effortlessly through the wheat fields and the maize. It was a quiet morning, until the Earth broke open, revealing the hidden power underneath. This is Next in the Order.
[THEME MUSIC]
JAS: Hello one and all and welcome back to another episode of Next In The Order! I am, as always, your not-so-humble Dungeon Master, Jas, and we’re back at it again! We got a pronoun check for the two who change it up! What do we got, Wink?
WINK: Yes.
JAS: Cool! What do we got, Mars?
MARS: No.
[EVERYONE LAUGHING]
JAS: Mars said, “Do not refer to me.” Yeah, fair enough. That’s the best. Okay, last time, we did a lot of not doing anything.
NORTH: Did a lot of worldbuilding.
WINK: (overlapping) Yeah, well.
JAS: Some worldbuilding, some clown-towning, some honking our little clown noses and prancing around in our little clown shoes.
MAR: Some yes, and-ing.
JAS: Some yes, and-ing.
WINK: Some no, but-ing.
JAS: Some, “I’m concerned for Hesperis, but…”
WINK: Well, see, I was saying that because Hesperis, as we have discussed, is very willowy, and built like a person made of vines, and therefore has no ass. So, she is “no butt”-ing. [LAUGHTER]
MAR: We’re off to a great start.
JAS: [LONG SUFFERING NOISE OF DISTRESS] I was like, “Ah this next session’s gonna be better, we’re gonna be on track, we’re gonna have some things,” and then this is the start. We’re doing so good. What’s happening this episode - no, not this episode, last episode - we did a lot of avoiding the plot, we grabbed some scales and saw some stories in the scales from Oberon, we went back down the mountain and talked to Rowena a bit, and they were like, “What happened?” and y’all were like, “We found a dragon.” And then y’all got a long rest, yeehaw.
WINK: Tasty hit points.
JAS: Tasty hit points. And then a stranger came into the bar, brooding and mysterious, with one cybernetic eye, and then sat down, and was like, (as stranger, southern accent) All right, how y’all doing? So you see this man dressed in his dark colors, his cybernetic eye, he’s pulled the chair around, backwards. Yes?
MAR: Did we establish that he is sexy?
JAS: Oh, it is important to know: this man is, in fact, a DILF.
WINK: God, fucking thank you!
JAS: Like, he’s… real tan skin from the sun, got salt-and-pepper hair going on, little bit of facial hair that’s just… two days of growth looking, but a nice stubble going on. Wink, what are you thinking?
WINK: I was just thinking about how my type is: lesbians and men who are old enough to be my father. I’m so sorry, Alex.
MAR: There is more than one person named Alex that we know who listens to this podcast.
WINK: I am so sorry, brother Alex. That sounds like he’s a church deacon or some shit.
JAS: (mocking) Brother Alex. (normally) So he’s got some cowboy boots on, wearing all dark clothing, looks very mysterious, has this big dark traveling cloak. Had the hood pulled up but flipped it down when he sat down, and he’s got a big cybernetic eye that’s red and shit.
WINK: Is he from Texas?
JAS: Not Texas, ‘cause Texas does not exist in Citarya.
WINK: Because you keep saying he’s got this big, and you know how everything’s bigger in Texas.
JAS: Yeah, especially my dick.
NORTH: Soon as you cross state lines, it grows two inches.
JAS: Yeah, well, I’m from Texas, so…
MARS: You’re from the bad part of Texas, though.
JAS: Hey! Watch it!
MAR: (overlapping) This is not a discussion that we’re getting into.
JAS: Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
MARS: South Texas best Texas.
WINK: Jas controls whether you live or die, babe.
JAS: I will kill your bird without hesitation. I will turn him into a bucket of KFC fried chicken.
MARS: I will play as a bucket of KFC fried chicken, and I will enjoy it, damnit.
JAS: I won’t - no, actually, I won’t turn it into KFC fried chicken, I’ll turn it into the shitty KFC bowl where they put all the shit into one bowl and it makes you crap a lot later, yeah.
[EVERYONE LAUGHING]
MARS: Anyway, back to the plot.
JAS: I will turn you into a bad taco bell chicken taco. Don’t think I won’t.
MAR: Jas isn’t even going to turn you into a potato taco.
WINK: Those potato tacos do smack though.
JAS: Okay. Anyway!
MAR: What does this man say to us?
JAS: This man sits down and he goes (as stranger) I hear that y’all are the people to help out, maybe, I don’t know? I heard that y’all just figured things out, and I don’t know, I’ve got some weird shit going on and need some help figured out.
MAR: What is the weird shit you have happening?
JAS: (as stranger) Well, I have a farm, it’s down right on the edge of the Inner Wheel, I’m a trader there, and I have a lot of cows, a lot of wheat fields and the works, got some corn going, too, it’s looking real great this year, but in the middle of my cow pasture a big ol’ crack opened up, and I don’t know what this crack is, and it’s kind of glowing like all hell? I’m not about to deal with that, I don’t mess with that, I don’t know, it’s glowing all red, and so I was gonna come up here and I was gonna take myself on down to the temple of Theradite, I was gonna go down to Theradite’s temple and see if I could get any of her wisdom, but before I could make it to his temple, I was here, and then, obviously I fell asleep, and, here I am, but if I could make it without having to go all the way up to the temple, then that would be incredibly good. So if y’all are doing investigating, that would be wonderful. I don’t know if you are, but…
MAR: Question for the DM, [JAS: Uh-huh?] What is the deity that he just mentioned, what are their pronouns, and what does Cire know about them?
JAS: Roll a religion check, whoever wants to.
MARS: How the fuck do you spell Theradite?
JAS: T-H-E-R-A-D-I-T-E.
MERCER: Do I get advantage on this because this is…?
JAS: Yes, because this is your season.
MERCER: And Caelum’s brother works with Theradite. Well.
MARS: it’s a religion check, right?
JAS: So pronouns are he/she, everyone gets that for free.
MERCER: That was a sixteen.
JAS: Sixteen.
MARS: Twenty five with a natural fucking twenty.
JAS: Jesus Christ.
MERCER: Sexy.
JAS: All right, cleric. So who rolled the lowest.
MAR: It was me.
JAS: What did you roll?
MAR: I rolled a 2.
JAS: Okay, yeah, you don’t… You’re like, “I don’t know.” You’ve heard the name.
MAR: Okay, is there nothing that Cire just knows from having spent twenty years in Autumn?
JAS: Well, yeah, I mean, you’ve spent twenty years in Autumn, so I guess you could also roll at advantage like Caelum, because you’ve spent twenty years here.
MAR: Well, that’s a three.
JAS: Three? You have not… you have been more focused on the moon gods than this seasonal god, and honestly, she’s a little bit spooky, a little mysterious. So those… next lowest beyond that.
NORTH: I had a sixteen.
WINK: I had a fourteen.
JAS: Okay, so everyone else, then. You would know that Theradite is the god of the arcane. Any kind of magic, any kind of spellcasting, all of that. That is his domain. Yes?
NORTH: I feel like not knowing the god of arcane is like not knowing Alexander Shunnarah in Alabama.
JAS: I don’t know who Alexander Shunnarah is.
MAR: He’s a personal injury lawyer in Alabama.
JAS: Got it.
MAR: Anyway, what does everyone but Cire get to know about Theradite?
JAS: Okay, so you would have a vague passing knowledge of Theradite as, this is a deity, right. So, obviously god of Autumn, and god of magic, all things arcane, also, oddly a god of agriculture. Autumn does a lot of food production. Autumn and Summer are the two highest producers of food, for the entire face of Citarya. Both of them have massive, sprawling farmlands, and so Theradite oversees a lot of that, and there is kind of this belief that agriculture in itself is a bit magical. How the land replenishes itself and that sort of thing, is seen as magical. Sylacrum, with that natural twenty, you would even know where the temple is. It’s probably about two more days’ journey, walking, further into Autumn, is the nearest temple. There are other ones, but it is in a larger city, that’s just a little bit - that’s a two days’ journey, but you are about only a day’s travel from the edge of the Inner Wheel, so not bad, distance-wise.
MARS: Two days toward the outer edge, right?
JAS: Yes. Two days towards the Forever Sea. And Theradite also has - Theradite, god of the arcane, god of agriculture, her symbol is wheat growing, but the top of the wheat almost looks like a star shape. And that is in reference to the magic, quote unquote, of agriculture. You have a thought.
NORTH: Do they use magic for agriculture?
JAS: Yeah! Yeah, so a lot of the world has integrated magic into their daily function, so in Winter, for example, a lot of the technology is a blend of our modern technology that we think of, like the modern technology that they have is a blend of that kind of technology and magic. Endless Night - that’s part of the reason they’re so advanced, magic’s kind of woven into everything, except for the Inner Wheel and a few other places, it is weirder, and more strange. But, yeah, that is what you know about Theradite.
MAR: I love the notes that I get to take when we get a lore dump.
JAS: They’re fun.
MAR: I love how like half the notes that I’ve taken for this session so far have the side note: Cire doesn’t know much of this.
JAS: Right. Cire is like, “I don’t know.”
MAR: I literally have a section in my notes from a couple sessions ago that’s just, “This is the stuff that Cire didn’t see while she was in a portal.”
JAS: Good. All right, so yeah, that’s what this guy says. And he goes (as stranger) Oh! And by the way, my name’s Henry. Sorry, I forgot to mention that. I should have mentioned that earlier, but you know, I get all caught up in what I’m here for and… you know how it goes.
MAR: So are you just looking for someone to investigate what’s going on?
JAS: (as Henry) That’s pretty much what I’m here for. That’s what… I was gonna go to the temple of Theradite, I know she’s got some priests and priestesses who can assist, and that’s his domain and all that, is magic and whatever, and also agriculture, ‘cause it’s in the middle of my fields, right? Also, if y’all can save me a two day journey, ‘cause y’all just investigated the sleeping thing, which, thank y’all for that, I was passed out dead asleep in the middle of the floor. You would not believe the backache I had when I woke up. It was the worst!
MERCER: Is he…
JAS: All cowboys are a little fruity.
MERCER: Okay.
WINK: Historically speaking, especially in the Plane of Thought, historically speaking, most cowboys were men of color and also homosexual. Send tweet.
JAS: He’s got… I should say, we don’t have - in Citarya we don’t have the regional races, but he looks Latino. A lot of Latino features as we would think of it.
NORTH: I feel like asking if he’s… is like asking if Spartans are… I wonder?
WINK: But Hesperis is going to look at him with a deep sadness in her eyes and say, we did not solve anything, we lost a dear friend.
JAS: (as Henry) I’m… quite sorry to hear that. I apologize, then. I didn’t mean to disturb y’all.
MAR: We might still be able to help. I just think it’s important to know that bringing the city back to consciousness wasn’t our doing. It was… a byproduct of the friend.
JAS: (as Henry) Well…
MAR: I can’t speak for everyone else, but I would be happy to take a look. [WINK: I would also be willing to help] See what I can find.
NORTH: How did you hear about us?
JAS: (as Henry) Y’all are the talk of the town.
WINK: We haven’t told anyone what we have done.
MARS: Well, we did tell Rowena.
WINK: Rowena has been sitting here with us the whole time.
JAS: No, y’all went to bed.
NORTH: [UNINTELLIGIBLE]
WINK: Oh, shit.
[LAUGHTER]
JAS: Y’all went to bed.
NORTH: Are we assuming that Rowena has gone and told people?
JAS: That is what is being implied here.
NORTH: Okay, okay. That’s that I was confused about.
JAS: Yeah.
MERCER: It’s not every day that a bunch of people that look like us come to a city in Autumn.
NORTH: I guess that is weird.
MARS: Well, to be fair, you probably could tell a shitty joke about two lesbians and bunch of people with wings walking into a bar, sitting down at a table.
WINK: Are we… do people think we are? A couple.
MARS: I just assumed y’all were going to end up together at some point, y’all have been flirting since I first saw y’all.
MAR: We met yesterday.
MARS: As they say in Winter, the We-Haul moves fast.
MERCER: Caelum is going to stretch… and pop his wings out and smack Sylacrum in the face.
JAS: Are you trying to do damage?
MERCER: No.
JAS: Okay, then just let it happen.
MERCER: Pop!
NORTH: Regardless, I would be happy to help.
JAS: (as Henry) Well that’d be mighty fine of you. I could pay you, of course. I wouldn’t just expect y’all to do it free of charge.
WINK: I would do it for a good story.
JAS: (as Henry) Well, that’s mighty kind of you, but stories don’t buy drinks.
WINK: Okay, you know who you remind me of right now?
JAS: Who?
WINK: Fresh Cut Grass.
JAS: Well, smiley day to you!
MARS: There it is, there it is.
WINK: (imitating either Fresh Cut Grass or Jas as Henry) Mighty kind of you!
JAS: (as Henry) I mean, my place is about a day’s journey, but it’s not bad. It’s kind of a nice… it’s got a nice view on the way back.
MAR: A day’s journey on foot?
JAS: (as Henry) Yes. Though I suppose you winged folk could probably get there a bit faster if you tried… but considering not all of y’all have wings.
WINK: That you know of.
JAS: (as Henry) Now I’ve never met a dryadfolk, which, it’s lovely to meet you.
WINK: Nice to meet you too.
JAS: (as Henry) But y’all don’t usually- do you have wings?
WINK: Not that you know of.
MAR: She likes to mess with people. I can tell you straight up, I don’t have wings.
JAS: (as Henry) Well, all right.
WINK: That you know of.
MAR: Okay, here’s the thing, though. I didn’t know that I had a frog form until yesterday.
JAS: (as Henry) A frog?
MAR: I got turned into a frog briefly.
WINK: It was quite funny.
MAR: We’ve had our share of adventures.
JAS: (as Henry) Sounds like it! Well, I’d imagine whatever crack is in my yard, with the cows, it will be an adventure, too. That thing’s humming and giving off vibrations and kinda makes the earth tremble just a little bit. The cows don’t want to go anywhere near it. I have one mama, she just took her baby and ran. She ain’t skittish of much, but she was skittish of that.
WINK: I am in love with him, your honor.
JAS: Can I get arcana checks from Sylacrum and Valus?
[DICE ROLLING, LAUGHTER]
MARS: All right…
NORTH: Oh, baby! That’s a 22!
JAS: 22.
MARS: That’s a 23.
WINK: Damn!
JAS: All right.
NORTH: I’m feeling smart today.
MARS: We’re finally being helpful!
MAR: The nerds.
JAS: We finally got the nerd happening.
WINK: We finally have the braincell.
JAS: Well, the nerds, you’re listening to him talk, and you hear him describe this crack, and both of you get different thoughts in your head. Valus, are you good?
NORTH: I’m trying to not laugh while Wink is in my peripheral.
JAS: What are you laughing about?!
MARS: Because because Wink looked at us both and just went… because you said crack.
JAS: Really? That’s what did it?
[WINK LAUGHING]
MAR: That’s so specific.
JAS: You can step out while I lore dump briefly. Jesus Christ. You both get different ideas in your head about what this might be. Your head’s just spinning, you’re like “hmmm.” Valus, you’re like, a crack in the ground is odd, like a crack that’s giving off this kind of energy. And you start to think about it causing fear in the cows. And you think there might be something there. Something worth taking note of.
NORTH: Okay.
JAS: Uh-huh. You picking up what I’m putting down?
NORTH: Yeah, I’m picking it up. I’m catching what you’re pitching.
JAS: Meanwhile Sylacrum, you think back to your book. There is mention of residual energy from the Fracture. And how it’s energy can be harnessed into items, and tools. The more he describes it, the more you think that this is what that could be. It has, it is, a fracture in the ground, it makes sense. Something has- this may be residual Fracture energy, coursing up and popping up. And you definitely think it might be worth investigating. Anyway! That’s what you get with your arcana checks!
MARS: Well alrighty then.
MAR: I think it sounds like it’s worth a day’s journey at least.
NORTH: Definitely.
MERCER: What part of the season are we on? Like what corner would we be going closest to?
JAS: You are… [SIGHS] I think I said this in the first episode, so let me check.
NORTH: We’d be heading closer to the Forest, right?
JAS: Yes, you would be heading closer to the forest, but let me double check the transcript.
MAR: I think we’re sort of close to the corner of the the Inner Wheel and Endless Day, is what you said.
JAS: I think… that feels correct.
MERCER: Okay, I was wondering if we were on my side of the season. Or not.
NORTH: I can’t wait til the plot goes off somewhere so we’re dethroning capitalism.
JAS: Oh, we’ll get there! Y’all are just level three.
MAR: Capitalism is a level seventeen boss.
JAS: You could bring it down at level six.
NORTH: Depends on how long it’s been in place.
MAR: All right, we’ve done some lore dumping.
JAS: We’ve done some lore dumping, it was mostly in reference to Sylacrum and Valus,
MAR: I have handed Wink my notes. Well, it’s not getting any earlier.
NORTH: Might be best to head out now.
MAR: Should we make the journey?
MERCER: It will be nice.
JAS: (as Henry) We can probably get there about… shoot, I’d say eleven o’ clock tonight, we can make it there? Eleven, twelve o’ clock.
MAR: And what time of day is it right now?
JAS: It’s about noon-ish.
MAR: Okay. Twelve hours of travel sounds like an awfully long day.
JAS: (as Henry) Yeah, we could. Or we could stop and… whichever. I’m not picky. We’re getting a bit of a late start, but to be fair, it’s been a weird day.
MERCER: If we take the merchants’ road, it shouldn’t be too terrible.
MARS: We might be able to hitch a ride on a cart, to get closer.
JAS: (as Henry) If y’all got cart money, be my guest, but I do not have cart money.
MAR: I also don’t have cart money.
JAS: (as Henry) My money is going to pay y’all, so… or whoever can fix this.
MAR: I think, break it up over two days.
MERCER: That sounds fine.
MARS: Yeah, that’s better for me anyways.
JAS: (as Henry) Well, all right.
NORTH: I’m fine with that. Just out of curiosity, how much is cart money? How much is cart money per person?
JAS: Well, you’d be renting a cart. So for a day of travel, I would probably put it at half a loot. But that’s a day travel.
NORTH: Also don’t know how long we’re going to be there.
JAS: And you’d have to bring it back, and each day would be half a loot. So that could quickly eat up somebody’s research fund if that was what they wanted to do.
NORTH: Yeah, not gonna do that.
MAR: So, maybe travel til nightfall and do the rest tomorrow morning?
NORTH: That sounds fair.
JAS: (as Henry) That works for me, I got a stable hand out there, he’s helping out, watching over everything, so we should be good. I’m not worried about back there, there’s just that crack.
MAR: And if we wait until nightfall and go ahead and take a rest, between the two of us, we can just take turns trancing, and everyone else will be able to get a full night’s rest.
NORTH: That sounds like it would work. I’ve got no issue with it.
JAS: (as Henry) Well shoot, if y’all are ready to head out, I am.
NORTH: I’m gonna stand up from the table.
JAS: Perfect.
MAR: Yeah.
JAS: All right, y’all head out, and you all hit the road, Jack. I would like somebody to roll a percentile dice.
MARS: Oh!
NORTH: [NOISES OF UNCERTAINTY]
JAS: Yup, go for it, Wink.
NORTH: These two?
MAR: Yes.
WINK: That’s a 00 and 5.
MAR: So, future reference, these two dice together, you roll them like that and then…
WINK: I knew I should have brought my d100.
NORTH: That is a 400%.
MAR: That’s a 4.
NORTH: Four hundred! I’m gonna count that as 400.
MAR: That’s a zero and a 4.
JAS: How!? So Wink rolled and they rolled a 5. Well, y’all didn’t really wanna roll low. I need perception checks.
[VARIOUS NOISES OF CONCERN]
MAR: A 21.
MERCER: 19.
WINK: 13!
JAS: Cool.
NORTH: I gotta look at my modifier, I got a Nat 1.
JAS: Yeah, Nat 1, you’re just like… do do do do do. I think you’re like walking and reading or…
MAR: You have… zoned out!
WINK: I am staring through the windshield!
[LAUGHTER]
JAS: All right, what was our highest roll?
MAR: Twenty-one.
JAS: Twenty one. You are walking along, and it’s getting closer to nightfall. You’ve just been kinda chilling, hanging out. And as you are walking along, Cire, you hear a distant howl. And then you hear a few more in turn. And I think anybody who rolled above a ten can hear it now. Valus you’re like, hmm, good book!
MARS: Sylacrum’s doing the same, I got a fucking seven.
JAS: Yeah, Sylacrum, you’re like, “Hmm!”
MAR: Do you all hear that?
NORTH: Hear what?
JAS: Now that Cire has pointed it out, you hear the howling of wolves.
WINK: Hey Jas, this is just a mechanics/worldbuilding question - so we discussed when you and I were talking about it, that the phases of the moon turn overnight. How does that work having three moons whose phases change overnight with… you know… lycanthropy?
MAR: I wasn’t gonna bring it up.
JAS: You are welcome to make either a nature check or an arcana check.
WINK: I’ll be making a nature check.
MAR: Can I also make a nature check?
JAS: Go for it.
WINK: That’s a 25 for my nature check.
MAR: Well… that’s an eleven.
WINK: (overlapping) You, about to set us up in combat with some regular wolves. Me, “What phase is the moon in?” You, flipping to the werewolf page.
JAS: So, you are actually lucky. Actually, instead of having the full moon type thing, it ends up being equivalent to when all of the moons are in the sky. Which...
WINK: Was two nights ago.
JAS: They were, last night. But they’re not tonight.
MAR: Cire specific question: what moons are visible tonight?
JAS: Tonight is just Levion, actually. The other two are down for the next few days, but Levion’s is on its trajectory and it will be setting in three days’ time.
NORTH: So, I know we’re on a merchants’ road, but I’m assuming we’ve got a forest around us?
JAS: Yeah, Autumn is fairly thick woods; there’s forests and woods… some of it like field land for agriculture, so you’ve passed a few fields as you’ve been walking, you’ve passed some farmland, but currently you are walking in a path that is basically through the woods. It’s been cleared out and it is clearly a well-traveled path, right now there’s not a lot of other people on the road, just ‘cause it’s kind of an odd time to be traveling, but you are walking down the road and it is mostly woods around you.
MAR: Are the howls getting closer?
JAS: Yes.
MAR: And we have had a long rest, so Cire is going to just pull out her greatsword and keep it at the ready.
JAS: Cool.
MAR: The reason the long rest is relevant is Sylacrum’s blessing on my axe has worn off.
JAS: Yup.
NORTH: Can I attempt to fly up and make some kind of perception check? I know it didn’t go very well last time.
JAS: You are welcome to try it. Do you - you have darkvision, ‘cause you are an elf.
NORTH: Yes. I’m going to… lose it. That’s a ten.
JAS: (laughing) A ten. Yeah, you look around and you can only just hear things moving and rustling, you can’t tell where they are.
NORTH: Okay.
JAS: Yes?
MERCER: Caelum is going to cast Thaumaturgy with the sound of a growling bear.
NORTH: Wait, what was it?
JAS: Okay… make an intimidation check with advantage.
MERCER: Sexy, that’s the one Charisma thing that I’m proficient in.
JAS: Good.
[DICE ROLLING]
MERCER: Well! Neither of those worked. That’s a six.
JAS: A six? You actually hear these things, whatever they are, getting closer. Mars, you had a thought?
MARS: I just wanted to say, as the noises get closer, you see Sylacrum flip up his hood and kind of do the same thing he always does when he’s tinkering with something on his wing, and hear a little [METAL CLINKING] sound. When Sylacrum moves his wings, on his face is his welding-engineering mask, and it pretty much looks exactly like his normal Owlin face, except this bitch is completely fucking iron, and the eye sockets are glowing bright green.
JAS: Tasty!
WINK: I’m gonna whisper something to you real quick.
JAS: Okay, are you texting it to me or whisper channeling it?
WINK: Whisper channel.
JAS: Got it.
MARS: And then he’s also just gonna take out his lance.
JAS: Yes, you totally can, I don’t care. Yes, that feels like a thing that she would carry.
WINK: Like, do you understand what I’m setting up for?
JAS: Yes.
NORTH: Hesperis feels like she’d just pull a gun out for some reason.
WINK: Sylacrum, do you have any batteries with you? I’m all out. And she pulls a little Bluetooth speaker out of her backpack.
MARS: I don’t exactly have Winter batteries, I have a few from Endless Night, but they might be a little too high-charged for it.
WINK: High-charged is exactly what I’m looking for. And she gets this wicked grin across her face.
MARS: Oh, I like where this is going. And you see Sylacrum’s wing go up a little bit, and he reaches back kind of where it would normally attach to his back, and almost lifting up a couple feathers, you see two Endless Night, high-end fucking batteries, like if the standard you could get at Ye Olde Beavertown is like an 8V, this is a 16V.
WINK: Okay, so just one of them would probably do her, [JAS: Yeah.] and she… Doctor, do you have a paperclip I could borrow.
NORTH: Oh, absolutely. I reach in my bag and snatch one off of a paper I’ve been handed to grade, and hand it to you.
WINK: Okay, so she kind of fucks with the paper clip and the battery for a little while and shocks herself, and sticks her thumb in her mouth, and goes back to fiddling with it, and then she pulls her bass out.
JAS: All the while, you start hearing these growls all around you.
WINK: And so she pulls her bass out, and she turns on the speaker, and it’s got a lot of static-y noise, and she plugs it into her bass, and through the speaker comes this really thick, chunky “clunk” sound, and then she starts fucking going at it.
JAS: Excellent. Roll a performance check. Cire has a thought.
MAR: Mar has a question for North. Is Valus the type of person that would just have a Ziploc bag of rainbow colored paperclips, just on his person at all times?
NORTH: He does - not rainbow colored, but he does have a stockpile of paperclips and staples, even though he doesn’t carry a stapler.
[LAUGHTER]
WINK: Okay, so that’s a 14 for my performance check.
JAS: Okay.
MAR: I love that detail.
NORTH: It’s like how he carries pencils in case students need pencils. You never know when someone needs staples.
JAS: It’s not the cleanest playing you’ve done, it’s… but, it is loud.
WINK: The connection with the speakers is all funky in that…
JAS: Yeah, it gives it a few of those sharp “pops” in the middle that are just… that make your brain go “rrrb”.
MARS: I think once Sylacrum hears the first couple notes, he kind of goes, here, let me help you with that, and is gonna cast Guidance on Hesperis, just so it sounds a bit more clear.
JAS: Guidance adds what, a d4?
MARS: It’s you touch one willing creature, once before the spell ends the target can roll a d4 and add the number rolled to one ability check of its choice.
JAS: Do you wanna add that d4 to your performance check? That’s not technically how it works, but I don’t care.
WINK: That’s a four.
JAS: Nice, so that brings it up to an 18. And with that I think the connection between the battery and the paper clip becomes a little bit stronger, and, I think that just heats up just a little bit with the power, like your power of Oathar and just the pops fade out and it just shreds.
WINK: And, so she’s got these like… cause a bass is… it’s you feel it more than you hear it, but she’s on like the higher strings of it. I mean, as high as you can get on the bass and she’s down low on the fret board. And so she’s making these like howling kind of noises like almost mimicking them, but with several strings and so it’s like… I don’t know how to describe that it’s like she is almost mimicking a beast much larger than herself.
JAS: Make an intimidation check with advantage. Mar, what’s up?
MAR: Would there be time for me to cast a spell?
JAS: You totally can.
NORTH: Actually.. I had… you can go ahead, but I also had a spell I wanted to try.
MAR: I would like to cast Bless on Valus, Hesperis, and Caelum.
NORTH: Which does what?
MAR: You bless up to three creatures of your choice within range. Whenever a target makes an attack roll or a saving throw before the spell ends, the target can roll a d4 and add the number rolled to the attack roll or saving throw. So I would try and get that done like as soon as I can before they’re in range of us.
JAS: Hesperis, how is that intimidation roll?
WINK: That’s an 11.
JAS: With an 11, they’re still coming, but they’re a little bit more apprehensive, so I will give them disadvantage on initiative momentarily. Valus, what would you like to do?
NORTH: I take it back, I’ll save It for later.
JAS: Okay, so now you all watch, you’re kind of standing in the middle of the road now and you watch as one massive wolf steps out of the forest. And then another. And then another. And then another and another and another. And I need all of you to roll initiative.
[THEME MUSIC]
JAS: Hey guys, it’s Jas and I am back at it once again for your ad break. Thank you so much for listening to the fifth episode of Next in the Order. As you can tell, we’re kind of setting a new arc today, so getting ready to get into some big heavy plot. A little less dragon, little bit more spooky mysterious. A lot more cows. A lot more cows.
JAS: First up on the docket we have Buzzsprout. Buzzsprout is a podcast hosting website and it is the easiest place to launch your podcast. Here at NITO we use Buzzsprout and we love it. It’s rad, it’s great, it’s got easy places for you to put in your transcript you can easily get your stuff all uploaded across every platform. From Apple Podcasts to Overcast to Spotify and to many more. See why over 100,000 podcasters already use Buzzsprout, and if you sign up using the link in the description of this episode, you can receive a $20 Amazon gift card when you sign up for a paid plan. And by doing that, you support the show. You get to start a podcast, we get some schmoney. No, but genuinely it really does help the show and any amount of support is wonderful and amazing.
JAS: And, speaking of ways you can support the show, go ahead and head over to our Patreon. We’ve got new content posting there all of the time, and as you’ll hear at the end of this episode soon we will have posted the different homebrew subclasses utilized by the members of the party here. We’ve got some tasty ones coming that way, and you can hang out in the patrons-only Discord server. It’s a good time. Chat directly with the cast members! Listen to us as we give our bullshit while we’re recording. It’s great! That is all at patreon.com/nextintheorder.
JAS: Lastly, be sure to check out our website. We’ve got transcripts. We’ve got all the things happening over there. And I would like to put an editor’s note out there that we do the transcripts by hand and so. It’s a lot of work, especially weekly, so apologies if those don’t get put up right as the episode drops. We do our best, but sometimes it’s three in the morning, you’ve had four monster energies and it’s just not going to happen, so. Just be understanding and be on the lookout for all those they will be up. You got it! Yeah, exactly. That is all for me this week and I will talk to you again next week for our next episode. Alright, talk to you then. Bye bye.
[THEME MUSIC]
[OVERLAPPING DISCUSSION ABOUT THE NUMBER OF WOLVES]
NORTH: Uh, is there is there like an initiative add-on at anytime?
JAS: It’s 6 total.
MERCER: You don’t have one ‘cause you don’t have any dex.
WINK: Eeby deeby.
JAS: Okay this is going to take me a second, to roll these initiatives because
WINK: (overlapping) You have to roll 12 things.
JAS: I have to roll them at disadvantage.
WINK: Do you want more d20s?
JAS: I got it.
WINK: Okay. (chuckling) Roll 12d20, take the 6 lowest. That would be so unfair.
MERCER: I have an 8.
MAR: Mars. What did Sylacrum roll?
MARS: Eighteen.
MAR: And Hesperis?
WINK: 20.
JAS: All right, I have their initiatives. (muttering) Hes is first, then Sylacrum…
MAR: So where do the…?
JAS: Uhh… we’ve got one after Valus - two after Valus.
MARS: Like in between me and Valus’ turn?
JAS: Yes.
MAR: Before Valus or after Valus?
JAS: After Valus, I meant Valus and Caelum - between Valus and Caelum. And then… what’s your dex, Cire?
MAR: +2.
JAS: Okay, I need you to roll again for me.
MAR: Oh wait. That that six was my straight roll. [MARS: Um, Jas?] So Caelum goes first because Caelum has the higher dex, but Cire also had an 8.
JAS: Then all of them go after you.
MAR: So how many are there?
JAS: There’s four more.
MAR: I am going to start Cire as having already been concentrating for one round if that’s…
JAS: That sounds good to me.
MAR: ‘Cause it’s concentration up to a minute.
JAS: Yes, that sounds good to me.
WINK: I have a question about Bless.
MAR: Okay.
WINK: Is that for every roll I make or just pick one?
MAR: It is attack rolls and saving throws and it is every single one as long as [NORTH: For how long?] I’m concentrating.
MAR: For as long as I’m concentrating, I’ll let you know if Bless ends. I’m keeping track of the rounds under my conditions ‘cause I have concentration as a condition.
JAS: That’s totally fine.
MAR: And I’m going to add rounds after my turn.
JAS: Okay, so to give y’all a picture of what is happening: You are all - oh, I forgot. Okay, after Cire and after one of the wolves is Henry. Sorry I forgot. He is important to have in the initiative. Cool, cool cool cool. So what it looks like is you are all pretty much in the middle of the road, being surrounded on all sides by these - there’s three on each side of the woods coming out onto the road.
MARS: Uh, I just had a quick AC question because on here I have leather armor AC being at 11. Is that right?
MAR: It’s 11 plus dex, isn’t it?
MARS: 11 plus dex, okay. Then I missed that. Okay.
JAS: Sylacrum, what armor are you wearing?
MARS: Since Sylacrum knew, they’d kind of be traveling for like the next two days. I feel like it only makes sense that he’d be wearing his leather armor, and to kind of describe that ‘cause I haven’t had chance to yet, Sylacrum’s leather armor. Essentially, it looks like something that would have come out of Autumn specifically. It’s very much like, a leather vest, held kind of close to his chest, still has wing slots for his wings. And then kind of like going down his legs kind of has like thigh pads, knee pads and on his left foot, on his left leg you can kind of see like, connectors to his talents and it kind of like twists around his left leg, goes up into the vest, and kind of seems to connect to the wing. So if you pay close enough attention, you see him flex his foot a few times and his wing moves a little bit.
JAS: Tasty. All right, so your AC is changed for your leather armor, so as long as we’re keeping track of that. Alright. Hesperis it is your turn at the top of the order. You have three big ass wolves, and when I say big ass wolves, they’re probably about as tall as Sylacrum is.
WINK: So shorter than me.
JAS: Shorter than Hesperis, but they are wide and muscular and large. [WINK: Okay] They are categorically large beasts.
WINK: So Hesperis is going to continue to shred on her bass.
JAS: Excellent.
WINK: Is shredding the right word for a bass?
NORTH: Yes, you can absolutely shred on a bass.
WINK: I wasn’t sure because I usually think of it like, as in a guitar. I know… don’t come at me. Okay. I am trying to decide between these two. I’m gonna roll a D4 to decide between them. Odds is blue and evens is purple. That’s an odd, I’m going to cast Earth Tremor
JAS: Okay.
WINK: So, her bass, I guess just really vibrates the ground, you know. I cause a tremor on the ground within range.
Each creature other than you in that area must make a Dexterity saving throw, rest in peace Valus, on a failed save, the creature takes 1d6 bludgeoning damage and is knocked prone. If the ground in that area is loose earth or stone, it becomes difficult terrain until cleared with each 5 foot diameter portion requiring at least one minute to clear by hand.
NORTH: What do i roll for a dex save?
JAS: It’s a D20 plus dexterity saving throw.
MAR: It’s a D20. So, roll a d20. You’re not going to have any modifier to your Dexterity saving throw ‘cause you don’t have proficiency and then you are going to also roll a D4 and add that to your roll.
JAS: Yes, if you’re blessed.
MAR: So everyone but Sylacrum is blessed.
NORTH: Okay, I have a dirty 20.
JAS: Dirty twenty. [DICE NOISES] Handful of dice…
MAR: That’s a nat one.
JAS: Okay.
WINK: How far is it between the two… how wide is the road?
JAS: The road is about ten feet across.
WINK: Okay, so could I catch both of them?
JAS: Yes, I was rolling that way. Right? ‘Cause - how big is the spell? What is the radius on it?
WINK: Ten foot.
JAS: Yeah, you can catch the edges of both of them because I said so.
WINK: Because you are God.
JAS: Exactly. Okay, Henry was the metal… Henry fails, with a nine.
NORTH: Poor Henry.
WINK: Eebert Deebert
JAS: And only one of the wolves succeed, I take it. What is your spell save DC?
MAR: Can you roll damage?
JAS: Yes.
WINK: That’s a 13.
JAS: Okay, so one of the wolves succeeds, but the rest are all prone. But Henry is also prone.
WINK: And that’s four points of bludgeoning damage to each of them.
JAS: So if you fail you take four points of damage.
MARS: That affects us as well, right?
MAR: I need to make a concentration check.
MARS: Oh, don’t you also fall prone if you fail as well?
JAS: Yes.
WINK: Yeah, sorry y’all.
MAR: Also, Bless is gone.
JAS: RIP Bless.
WINK: Sorry.
MAR: Thanks for wasting my spell slot, Hesperis.
NORTH: Wow.
JAS: Damn.
NORTH: Mean to Hesperis.
JAS: Okay.
WINK: I told you I was leaving it up to chance!
MAR: Yep, and you did damage to your ally who was concentrating on a spell.
JAS: [SAD NOISES]
WINK: I would have done damage to you anyway. I would have done more damage to you with this one.
JAS: It’s okay, new party, learning things about each other. So the ground shakes with the power of Hesperis’ bass, and a few of you fall prone - who all is prone? - just, okay Cire is prone, and Henry falls prone. And Valus?
NORTH: I got a 20.
JAS: Oh yeah, you’re Gucci. Yeah, Henry, and then five out of the six wolves fall prone, and you see some branches shake off of the trees and fall. I’m going to ask that we not write conditions on the board because you have to hear the marker sounds, and is bad. I have them marked here. All right, Sylacrum, it is your turn.
MARS: All right, that changes things. I think Sylacrum’s just gonna take his big ass motherfucking lance that he always has with him, and is gonna, using chicken flight, kind of jump up in the air a little bit and bring it down on one of the fallen prone wolves. And kind of just skewer it.
JAS: Yeah, go for it. Roll an attack roll at advantage because it is prone.
MARS: Gotcha.
JAS: So for those who are unaware, prone creature must use half its movement to stand up, so they can move half their movement to stand up, they get disadvantage on attack rolls while prone, and any attack roll made against that creature… nope, I’m lying. An attack roll against that creature has advantage if the attacker is within five feet of the creature, otherwise the attack roll has disadvantage. So if you are doing a ranged attack, you have disadvantage, but if you are doing melee, you have advantage, pretty much.
MARS: Gotcha, so on that roll, it was a 16 and a 17, plus five to it, so that would be 23 to hit.
JAS: Yes!
MARS: I assumed so. That’s gonna be 10 points of damage.
JAS: Tasty.
MARS: Ten points of piercing damage if that matters.
JAS: Thank you.
NORTH: Does that matter?
JAS: It does. Certain creatures have resistances to certain things.
NORTH: I figured since it was like… a mechanic.
JAS: Yeah, it does matter. (stage whispering) I will tell you, in this fight, it doesn’t. (normally) Pretty much, but you know. Cool. All right, next in the order is Valus.
NORTH: Okay, I am going to cast Fire Bolt.
JAS: Fire Bolt? Tasty.
NORTH: I don’t particularly know which one…
JAS: So Fire Bolt is a ranged spell, so you would want to do it at the one that’s standing. Because otherwise you’d have it at disadvantage.
NORTH: So if someone’s prone, is it just disadvantage on attacks?
JAS: On ranged.
NORTH: Makes sense. Yeah, so the one that’s standing. And I roll a d20 to hit… do I get anything added to that?
MAR and JAS: Yes.
MERCER: Your spell attack bonus.
MAR: Should be +5.
NORTH: Is that arcana?
MAR: It’s your spell attack, so it’s intelligence plus your proficiency.
NORTH: Okay, yeah. So that’s a 20 - dirty 20.
JAS: A dirty 20 is definitely gonna hit. Roll damage.
NORTH: Okay, which one’s a d10… [MERCER: Yeah.] Okay. That’s a one, one damage.
JAS: Hey, one damage is one damage. You hear, you shoot off this fire bolt, and it hits this wolf in the shoulder, and it whimpers, just a little bit.
NORTH: Are wolves flammable?
JAS: No, no I would not say they are. Unfortunately for you.
WINK: Have you ever tried lighting a wolf on fire?
NORTH: Not yet.
JAS: Next in the order is one of these wolves, and it is going to use half of its movement to get up from prone, and is going to shake off where the blow of Sylacrum’s lance hit it, and it is going to lunge out and attack Sylacrum. Because it - that was mean, and it has advantage because it has a friend nearby.
MARS: Ah, fuck.
JAS: It still rolled bad. It’s going to bite at you, and that’s going to be - no - that’s going to be an eleven to hit.
MARS: That don’t hit.
JAS: I figured as much. It bites at you and it, it’s teeth find purchase on your leather armor and… no. And then next up is actually the wolf next to it, who is also going to make a bite attack at you, Sylacrum, because you are right there. In melee, again at advantage, and that’s definitely going to hit. That is going to be a 23.
MARS: Yeah, no, that hits…
JAS: All right. That is going to be ten piercing damage and I am going to need a Strength saving throw.
MARS: Strength saving throw? Gotcha.
JAS: I should also mention that this one also used half its movement to get up from prone.
MARS: Gotcha. Are you fucking kidding me? That’s… that’s a seven.
JAS: You… this wolf reaches out and snaps at you, and in this case it does find purchase, and it digs its mouth into you and tears out a bit of chunk, and you fall backwards and fall flat on your ass. And you are knocked prone. [SAD TROMBONE NOISE]
MARS: And it was ten points of damage, right?
JAS: Ten points of piercing damage. All right, it is Caelum’s turn in the order.
MERCER: Caelum is going to shoot about ten feet into the air, and I am going to use my sexy sexy Aasimar feature and his eyes and wings start glowing a bright, almost white… off white? This is an action, so I can’t really do anything, but as a bonus action, can I tie a dagger to the top of my quarterstaff.
JAS: Sure?
MERCER: Ok!
JAS: Cool! Yeah, what does the Aasimar feature..tell me what that does!
MERCER: It gives me 30 feet of flying speed and I get to add radiant damage equal to my level as extra damage to an attack.
JAS: Cool. Excellent. Tasty. Cool, that is Caelum’s turn. It is now Cire’s turn in the order
MAR: I’m going to use half of my movement to get up from prone, and then the nearest wolf that is prone, I am going to make a great sword attack against.
JAS: Yeah, absolutely, go for it!
MAR: And I’m at advantage cause it’s prone?
JAS: Yes.
NORTH: [Sympathy sound for wolf]
MAR: That is a 24 to hit.
JAS: That’s definitely going to hit!
MAR: And I would like to smite.
JAS: Smite the boy!!
MAR: Alright so, as usual, I’m going to roll all of my dice and then any that are 1’s and 2’s I get to reroll because of my great weapon fighting.
So 2d6, 2d8. So we’ve got 3 and a 4 and a 1 and a 2 that I’m going to reroll. So, 15-19 points of slashing or…
MERCER: (overlapping) I think it’s slashing
MAR: It’s partially slashing, partially radiant, but does it matter?
JAS: It doesn’t matter in this case
MAR: Yeah
JAS: Yeah, you just bring your sword down on this thing and it shines with this holy light and glints in the moonlight Levion’s moon and it comes down on this wolf and it is bloodied. Tasty. Next up is Henry.
NORTH: (interjecting) There’s a wolf before Henry
JAS: Yes, I am just losing it because that was the wolf that just took damage, so I was like ‘ah yes, that was the wolf’s turn it was not. It’s going to get upset that Cire did that but it doesn’t get advantage because none of its allies are up and standing, so, no absolutely not going to bite. It is going to try and bite, it is simply going to not.
WINK: Yeah, No
JAS: This wolf is going ‘ow’. Henry is going to pull back his robe and pull out a pistol.
WINK: *hums cowboy shootout music*
JAS: [laughing] and he is going to shoot at the wolf that Cire just hurt; and that is a 14 to hit, which, meets it beats it. Alright, he gets to do 2 D8 gun damage.
MAR: Is that a damage type?
JAS: It is now. 4 gun damage. Excellent. He shoots this thing and you just hear the *POW* and it’s loud and jarring against the sound of Hesperis’s bass still rolling in the background and yeah he shoots a wolf. I’m going to take these 3 wolfs turns at the same time, basically at the same time. One of them is- that one is going to hit Henry. One of them is going to go at Hesperis.
WINK: Thanks
MAR: Can I use my reaction to impose disadvantage through my Channel Divinity?
JAS: On the one against Hesperis?
WINK: (softly) Gay
NORTH: [Laughs]
JAS: Yes. I’m actually going to have to reroll that then, because that is going to advantage/disadvantage cancel out. Cool, it is not going to hit Hesperis. Then one goes at Caelum and that is going to hit.
MERCER: Im 10 feet in the air
JAS: Oh yeah, never mind it’s not going to go at Caelum. It is going to go at…Valus you haven’t been lunged at yet.
NORTH: Fuck. That’s really not good, my AC is bad.
JAS: Oh it’s definitely gonna hit. It’s a 24.
NORTH: My AC is 10.
JAS: Aw squishy wizard. Alright that’s gonna be 10 piercing damage and I need a strength saving throw.
NORTH: Holy shit, that’s half my health.
MAR: Jesus Christ
NORTH: A strength saving throw is just a D20 right?
JAS: Plus your strength, if you have any. Or minus your strength
MARS: (laughs)
JAS: If it makes you feel any better, Henry’s also-
NORTH: (overlapping) Ok a 15?
JAS: 15 saves!
NORTH: I don’t know what that means!
JAS: Ok so, you don’t get knocked on your ass.
NORTH: (overlapping) but i still take the damage.
JAS: You still take 10 damage but Henry gets knocked on his ass so, he’s prone. *WAH WAH* Sorry DILF gun slinger. Alright that is the rest of those wolves and they get up from being prone, I should have mentioned that as part of their moves. Hesperis, we are back up to your turn.
WINK: OK, so now, she’s going to…she was previously playing really low, heavy notes; now she’s gonna bring it up high again and she’s gonna cast Shatter-
JAS: (overlapping) Tasty
WINK: (overlapping) on…where can she center her sphere that it won’t hit any of her allies but it will hit as many wolves as possible?
JAS: She can hit- she puts it in the woods behind the wolves, she can get three of them…narrowly without hitting the party.
WINK: Ok, so, she’s gonna do it there. She’s gonna do some mental..
JAS: (overlapping) Mental Geometry
WINK: Yeah. So yeah, she’s going to cast Shatter.
JAS: Cool, it’s con saves right?
WINK: Yes.
JAS: Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool. We’re getting three in there…that is four dice not three. Where the fu- That is not going to count because it went fully to the floor.
WINK: Someone please verify this.
MERCER: All 8’s
JAS: Damn! Ok, so one of them rolled a natural 20 so it’s not going to take any damage, but one of them rolled a natural 1 so it’s going to take max, plus..
MAR: Max times 2
JAS: Max times 2 and then one of them rolled a 7 so.
WINK: So the one that rolled a 7 takes…my spell attack bonus, is that…
JAS: (overlapping) It’s going to be charisma plus proficiency.
WINK: Does that add to my damage or is that to my attack roll?
JAS: Unless it says, it adds it to your damage, it doesn’t.
WINK: No, ok so the one that rolled a 7 is going to take 24 points of damage and the one that rolled a Nat 1 is going to take 48 points of damage.
JAS: Cool, so you immediately obliterate the two that failed.
WINK: (overlapping) Like Nae Nae’d?
JAS: They are done. They are down for the count. Absolutely Nae Nae’d.
WINK: (laughing) Eebert Deebert
JAS: Like, you watch as their ears start to bleed and they start whining and their dogs too so that is worse for them.
WINK: (overlapping) Oh nooooo!
JAS: and so they start whining pitifully and their ears just start gushing blood and they collapse on the ground and fall over dead.
MAR: NOOO!
JAS: They just bit at you!
WINK: (sadly) yeah but them just some…
JAS: (overlapping) They’re wolves..
WINK: They’re goodest boys, they just need some training.
JAS: *Laughs* They’re Dire Wolves!
MAR: Information! Thank you!
MARS: [UNTELLIGIBLE]
WINK: As Wink, that description hurt my soul, as Hesperis, HAHA die fuckers.
JAS: Excellent, Valus it is your turn.
NORTH: No…
JAS: No, it’s Sylacrum’s turn, I’m fully lying to you.
MARS: Gee thanks. Fuck my chicken strips indeed.
JAS: Fuck ya chicken strips, as per usual.
EVERYONE (NOT MAR): [in unison] Fuck ya chicken strips
JAS: (laughing) I love the chorus of ‘fuck ya chicken strips.’
MAR: See, I’ve committed to not saying it now.
NORTH: It’s like a whisper.
JAS: We’re gonna get you to slip up
MARS: New goal obtained for the rest of the campaign.
NORTH: I can’t wait until we beat the BBEG-
WINK: Ok but, can Mar say fuck just not Cire? Or can Mar also not say fuck?
MAR: While Mar is playing Cire, Mar follows the same rules as Cire.
NORTH: Which is what?
MAR: You’re not going to get me to say it.
WINK: What can’t they say? I forget
NORTH: (overlapping) Say what?
JAS: Anyway…
MARS: Back to the combat. Ok this is a mechanics question.
JAS: Uh huh
MARS: So, walking speed Sylacrum has 30 feet of movement…flying though, with Chicken Flight, I have 35 but I come back down at the end of my turn.
JAS: Correct
MARS: Could I theoretically use 15 feet of movement to get back up and then 20 feet of movement to float back to whee Hesperis and company is?
JAS: Yes you could do that absolutely, the one thing is that you’re going to take an opportunity attack.
WINK: Even in flight?
JAS: Even in flight. It’s any time you leave the melee range of something.
WINK: Oh yeah because you would have to leave melee range to get into flight.
MARS: Yeah, fuck. I think Sylacrum is gonna try and do that and just fly back.
JAS: Ok. It is going to lunge out at you and this is the one that succeeded on it’s save by the way.
MARS: Gotcha
JAS: So it doesn’t have advantage but it is going to be a dirty 20 to hit. Yeah, it’s gonna be 10 piercing damage but the big thing here is, are you going to be able to complete your movement because I need a strength saving throw.
MARS: Ok. You said strength saving throw right? Ooo that’s a 17.
JAS: 17? You are Gucci. So you get that bite taken out of you but you’re like ‘I got this’
MARS: (interjecting) Also, I forgot to say it but after the first time I took damage Sylacrum is bloodied, so I’m at 3 hit points.
JAS: Cool. Winner winner, not a winner chicken dinner.
WINK: (laughing) What the fuck??
JAS: That one got Wink.
MARS: I’m gonna have Sylacrum take a shot at the one that just bit him with the crossbow.
JAS: (overlapping) Mhm. Go for it.
MARS: So that’s gonna be a 17 to hit?
JAS: 17’s gonna do it.
MARS: Gotcha so that’s gonna be 8 points of piercing damage.
JAS: You take out this wolf as you shoot at it and that one is down for the count.
MARS: Gotcha and as a bonus action, can I Healing Word on myself?
JAS: Absolutely you can.
MARS: Sweet. So I’m going to get back 5 hit points.
JAS: Tasty
MAR: Is it Valus’s turn now?
JAS: Yes it is Valus’s turn.
NORTH: Yay.
JAS: (concerned) What the fuck was that voice?
NORTH: (laughing) It’s my clown voice. [in clown voice] Hey kids….
JAS: (laughing)
WINK: That’s how you go to prison..
EVERYONE: (laughing)
NORTH: I want to use my movement to fly into the air. You can move and then still use an attack right?
JAS: Yeah, so, action economy. The things that you have at your disposal-
NORTH: Actions? In this economy?
JAS: (laughs) So you have your action and your bonus action, those can go in whichever order you would like. You can even split up your movement so you do part of your movement before your action/bonus action then you could do it after. That can go in whatever order you would like. Those are the things you have at your disposal.
NORTH: How are they looking?
JAS: Mostly fine.
NORTH: Hmmm.
JAS: One of them has a tiny burn mark and the other two have some scrapes from being thrown down.
NORTH: So I’m going to- what is my flight movement? Let’s see.
WINK: It should be 30 feet
NORTH: Ok, I’m gonna take my flight movement to get into the air and I’m going to cast Magic Missile.
JAS: Cool. Yeah, that automatically hits.
NORTH: Does it really?
JAS: Yeah. So where are you positioning your darts? How are you doin ‘em?
NORTH: So, I wanna do…so it shoots…oh it’s 3. Then just one at each.
JAS: Ok cool. I believe that’s a D4 of damage for each one.
MERCER: It’s a D4 plus 1.
JAS: D4 plus 1 for each one? So roll three D4 and then tell me each one.
NORTH: That ones really small.
JAS: Why are you so small?
NORTH: So I hit a 2, a 3 and a 4.
JAS: A 2, a 3 and a 4. So one of them does 5 points of damage. One of them does 4 points of damage. One of them does 3 points of damage. No not, 43 points, 3.
NORTH: You could do 43.
JAS: No.
NORTH: I miss my rogue damage.
JAS: (laughing) You could do higher damage.
NORTH: What do you mean by that?
JAS: You have other spells at your disposal that could do higher damage.
NORTH: Yeah but the one that does them out damage would also hurt the party so.
JAS: Well
MARS: Please don’t. My boy can’t take another hit.
JAS: Details. Alright it is Caelum’s turn.
MERCER: Caelum is going to fly about 5 feet up, but like up and around, and then shoot down holding the quarterstaff almost like a spear to try to stab the closest wolf to him in the eye.
JAS: Yeah, go for it.
NORTH: So since quarterstaff and daggers have two separate hit die right?
MERCER: I’m just using a dagger’s edge, it’s just a dagger with like-
JAS: (overlapping) It’s functionally a spear.
MERCER: (repeating) It’s functionally a spear, but I’m essentially using it as a dagger with a long handle.
NORTH: ok.
JAS: Flavor
MERCER: Flavor…22
JAS: Definitely gonna hit.
MERCER: Sexy. That’s gonna be 11 points of damage and then I’m gonna pop, pop.
JAS: Yeah go for it.
MERCER: Bonus action with that and will roll my fucking Wild Magic.
JAS: Your DC’s a 4.
MERCER: Yeah
JAS: Wild Magic Surge?
MERCER: 2!
JAS: Alright!
MERCER: And the other one..it’s a dirty 20 and a 25.
JAS: Ok, so you can get- I’m gonna let you get both those hits in before the Wild Magic surges.
MERCER: Ok!
JAS: So, roll damage on both of those hits.
MERCER: 6 and 7.
JAS: 6 and 7. Hold on lemme do some math
NORTH: (laughing) I don’t know what the fuck’s going on right now.
JAS: Alright the one that you have been attacking looks really bad. It is way beyond bloodied and is looking not good. Alright, I need you to roll a D100.
MERCER: 71
JAS: 71. You gain resistance to all damage for the next minute.
MERCER: Sexy!
JAS: Like, all of the sudden, you all watch as Caelum’s skin just turns hard and somehow looks like armor and glints in the sun and it’s weird lookin but it also sends this surge of power out as Caelum does these couple of hits.
WINK: This is the skin of a killer Bella
EVERYONE: Laughing
MERCER: Fuck you!
WINK: You said it hardens and glints in the sun and I was like ‘that is Stephanie Meyer vampire right there’
MERCER: Fuck off! It doesn’t help that he has white hair.
JAS: It is your turn yes. I was like ‘what’s happening’ Yes it is Cire’s turn in the order.
MAR: So i don’t have any conditions on me right now right?
JAS: (overlapping) I don’t think so
MAR: (overlapping) Yeah, I’m not concentrating, I got up from prone. Is there a way that I can use my movement to flank a wolf?
JAS: Absolutely
MAR: The one that looks the least damaged.
JAS: The least damaged?
MAR: If i could
JAS: You could get into a position where somebody could come flank with you, but nobody is actively engaged in melee, because there’s one actively engaged in melee with Caelum, but that ones looking very hurt.
MAR: Okay. Is that the only one that I would be able to flank?
JAS: Yes.
MAR: Ok. Change of plans. I am going to go up to Sylacrum. I am going to touch the owl’s shoulders, and I am going to pump all 15 of my Lay on Hands points into Sylacrum.
MARS: (overlapping) Thank Christ.
MAR: and that is my turn.
JAS: Excellent.
WINK: Aw I wanted him to drop to 0.
NORTH: Is one Lay on Hands 1 healing point?
MAR: One Lay on Hands…so I have 15 hit points of Lay on Hands per long rest. I can either use as many of those as I want to restore that many points, or I can use five points to negate the effects of a poison or disease. And I am choosing to heal Sylacrum. [01:19:02.07]
WINK: Lesbian dynamic duo?
JAS: Maybe.
NORTH: Does that count for being a werewolf? Could you just fix that?
MAR: I don’t think that’s a disease.
JAS: Okay, there was much debate on lycanthropy, if lycanthropy is a disease or a condition, or what it is, so I rule it that it would be Lesser Restoration, minimum, and you would have to roll a good spellcasting check on a Lesser Restoration, or automatically cured on a Greater Restoration.
NORTH: Oh, okay, okay.
JAS: That’s if you want it cured, not everyone wants it cured. Some people are Chetney from Critical Role.
NORTH: Forcefully cure your werewolf.
JAS: Yeah. All right, Henry is going to pull out a gun.
MERCER: Another one?
JAS: No, he’s got the same one. He’s just gonna fire it.
NORTH: Fire and miss.
JAS: And he fired and he missed.
MAR: Oh no!
JAS: Henry, my poor badass.
MERCER: He’s rolling like fucking Taliesin.
JAS: Rolling dogshit. So, for those wondering, I’m actually using a ranger type beat, but with a gun.
WINK: You’re a sucker for a ranger.
MAR: (overlapping) Tasty.
JAS: We know I love a good ranger, but it also is fitting because he’s like a farm dude and outdoorsy or whatever.
MAR: He’s so quirky.
JAS: He’s so quirky! One of these bitches is going to bite at Caelum because it is feeling bad, because Caelum made it feel bad. That is… fuck. I’m guessing it’s not going to do it with a fourteen.
MERCER: No.
JAS: And then another one is going to… we’ve got one in the air… it’s gonna go for Hesperis.
MAR: Why do these wolves not want me to suffer?
JAS: I’m sorry.
WINK: What did you roll?
JAS: A natural twenty.
WINK: FUCK.
JAS: So that’ll do… more crits more fun, until it’s against you. Okay, that’s going to be 6,12, plus three, fifteen, plus, ten. Twenty-five points of damage.
NORTH: Fuck, I would have died.
WINK: Hesperis is very close to dead.
JAS: And Hesperis needs to make a Strength saving throw. How many hit points are we at?
WINK: (distressed) Two!
JAS: Ooh, tasty!
WINK: But that is a Strength saving throw, that is a sixteen.
JAS: Yeah, you don’t fall down prone, which is good. Yeah. And then the last one is going to make another attack at Caelum because it has seen Caelum whaling on its friend. Fifteen hit?
MERCER: No.
JAS: Okay, cool. So, that’s where we’re at, and we’re back up to the top of the order with Hesperis.
WINK: Hesperis is going to… how many wolves are left?
JAS: Three. One of them is looking really bad, the other two are looking all right.
WINK: Okay, and how close together are they?
JAS: One of them is right up on you, in melee range with you. And then the other two are right up on Caelum.
WINK: Okay, how close together are the wolves?
JAS: It’s about ten feet from you and the wolf you’re with to Caelum and the other two wolves.
WINK: Okay, I’m going to cast Shatter again. And do some more mental geometry and position that...
JAS: You will have to catch Caelum in it.
MERCER: It’s fine. I’ll be fine.
JAS: Caelum is resistant to all kinds of damage at this moment. That was what the Wild Magic ended up being.
WINK: So is that a…
JAS: Con saves.
WINK: Con saves.
[DICE ROLLING]
JAS: Critical failure for one of them, and I’m just going to immediately wipe that one off the map because that was the most injured one. Then we have a six from one of them and a fifteen.
WINK: Okay, so the one with the fifteen takes six points of damage and the one with the six takes twelve points of damage. Caelum, did you..?
MERCER: I rolled a sixteen.
WINK: Okay, so you take six points of damage.
MERCER: I take three points of damage.
NORTH: [INAUDIBLE]
MAR: You’re resistant, so it’s halved.
NORTH: Ah, okay.
JAS: Math is hard. Why is math so hard? Why do we have to do math to play D&D? Just kidding.
NORTH: I thought this was to get away from the real world.
JAS: Right? Gross.
WINK: Homophobic.
JAS: All right, Sylacrum, it is your turn in the order.
MARS: Since Sylacrum’s right next to Hes already, he’s gonna cast Cure Wounds at second level and Hes is gonna gain back… just so I have this right… eleven plus three… fourteen hit points.
WINK: Oh, thank God.
JAS: Tasty.
MARS: And then… you said we’re surrounded by woods, right?
JAS: Yeah, there are woods all around y’all.
MARS: Do you think Sylacrum is light enough in his light armor to hop up into a tree and nestle himself in?
JAS: Yeah, you can hang out in a tree.
MARS: That’s pretty much what Sylacrum’s gonna do with his turn.
JAS: Cool, go hang out in a tree. Tasty. You looked like you had a thought?
NORTH: Yeah, I have a question about casting at higher levels.
JAS: Yes?
NORTH: At what point can you start doing.
JAS: Anytime, if you have a second level spell slot.
NORTH: Okay, so being level 3, I do have a second level spell slot.
MAR: So you can cast any of your first level spells at second level.
NORTH: Which would just increase damage?
MAR: Yes, for most of them.
JAS: For some of them, it has no effect. For some of them. And speaking of Valus, it is your turn.
NORTH: Okay, so what… there’s two wolves left, right?
JAS: Two left! Yep.
NORTH: Have they been…?
JAS: One of them is not looking spectacular but is still not considered bloodied, technically, and the other is mostly fine.
NORTH: At the one that’s injured, I’m going to cast Witch Bolt at second level.
JAS: Yeah, go ahead and…
NORTH: (mumbling about damage dice)
JAS: You gotta make an attack roll first.
NORTH: Oh, yeah, sorry. I’m gonna put this d12 back down, and I’m gonna miss. That’s a nat 1.
JAS: [SAD NOISES] Yeah, you send off this witch bolt crackling with electricity and it just… All right, Caelum, it is your turn. You’ve got one that is in melee range with you. The other that was in melee range with you beefed it.
MERCER: Okay, I’m going to stab it again with my makeshift spear thing.
JAS: (overlapping) Go for it.
MERCER: 25.
JAS: (laughing) Yes!
MERCER: That’s gonna be seven points of damage. And then pop, pop.
JAS: Go for it. And roll that Wild Magic Surge again, you know it’s any time you spend a ki point in this regard.
MERCER: That’s a natural 20. That was a seven for the fucking thing, so no Wild Magic, and…
JAS: DC will be a 2 next time.
MERCER: Nineteen. For the other one.
JAS: Both of those hit. All right, you know your more crits more fun.
MERCER: For the one that wasn’t a Nat 20, it’s five points of damage, and then for the one that is a Nat 20, it’s 8 plus… it’s fifteen.
JAS: With that Natural 20, you take this one down. You stab it, you take your makeshift stabby thing and you just jab it in and it sticks out the top of the head and it is gross, but it takes this thing down. So we have one left! And it is Cire’s turn.
MAR: Is there anyone that I can flank with this.
JAS: You could flank with Hesperis.
MAR: Okay, I am going to flank with Hesperis and attempt to bonk with the greatsword once again.
JAS: (overlapping) Go for it!
MAR: That is a 23 to hit.
JAS: (sarcastically) No, it’s not.
MAR: And I would like to smite.
JAS: Of course.
NORTH: Is smite like a move or…
MAR: Divine Smite, a paladin can use one of their spell slots to do an additional 2d8 damage on a hit.
JAS: You’re just filled with such divine energy.
NORTH: Pious.
JAS: Yes.
MAR: This is the power of God.
JAS: Yes, literally, having the power of God and anime on your side, this is the power of God going, “I am so righteous it will make my bonk do extra.”
MAR: The d8s are the power of God, the d6s are the power of anime.
JAS: Exactly.
WINK: See, you get it.
MAR: Well, one of those was cocked because it fell into the rest of my dice. Okay, so, I had a 4, a 6, a 3, and a 2 that I’m going to reroll because of my great weapon fighting.
JAS: Okay.
MAR: And that’s an 8, so that’s gonna be 21 plus 4, which is 25.
JAS: How do you want to do this?
MAR: Okay… Cire raises her greatsword, and she comes down in kind of a normal slashing motion, and then… is the moon out?
JAS: Of course.
MAR: A little beam of moonlight connects with the sword as it’s slashing, and it just… opens up the wound.
JAS: Tasty. And this wolf… this wound opens up further with the moonlight and this wolf lets out a wail and collapses on the ground. And the forest is quiet again. We are going to roleplay this out next session, but y’all are going to set up camp for the night, all that jazz, do your watches and whatever, we’ll do that next session, but before then, I want all of you to level up.
[VARIED SOUNDS OF EXCITEMENT]
JAS: We’ll be level four, so I would like you to go ahead and figure out what you are going to gain as you level up.
NORTH: That’s a damn good question.
JAS: Okay, so, Wink, what are you picking up in your level up?
WINK: So I get an ability score increase, I put that on my strength, I added a spell and a cantrip, and I get an extra spell slot… I forget which level I put it on.
JAS: I think it’s level 2.
WINK: Yeah, so I got an extra spell slot there.
JAS: And what did you roll for your hit die?
WINK: I rolled a 3 and I have a +3 to my Constitution.
JAS: Brings your grand total of hit points to…?
WINK: 33. I’m still squishy.
JAS: You gotta be a little squishy. All right, Mercer, what we got?
MERCER: I took my level up in Monk, which means I get my subclass.
JAS: Ooh! Tell me about that.
MERCER: It’s the Way of the Wheel, which is a very sexy homebrew subclass made by our resident DM.
JAS: Yeehaw.
MERCER: Yeah, it’s really fun, so with this level up I don’t get an ability score increase or a feat like the rest of them, ‘cause i’m not level four in anything, but I do get the Alert feature because of the subclass.
JAS: It’s very tasty. Psst: if you want all the details for the subclass, it’ll be on our Patreon. You should check it out! Psst!. All right, Mars, what do we got? Oh! What did you roll for your hit die?
MERCER: I rolled a six and my constitution modifier is a one, so that brings me up to 32 hit points.
JAS: Tasty! Mars, what do we got?
MARS: I think I fucked this up somehow.
JAS: Bruh, I think I fucked up my soup.
[LAUGHTER]
MARS: I think I did. We’re gonna come back to spell slots, ok?
JAS: Okay.
MARS: Spell slots are definitely fucked up. I put that I have level 3 spell slots, and I know for a damn fact I do not.
MAR: You definitely do not.
JAS: Nope.
MARS: I done fucked that up.
NORTH: Can’t wait to see what spells you picked.
MARS: I can’t wait to see what spells I prepped too. So for my level up I obviously put it into cleric, level four Forge Domain, and with that ability score increase that I went ahead and put it… why am I forgetting where I put that… one sec… I’m a professional, don’t worry about it.
JAS: You have so many notebooks, it stresses me.
MARS: I have… three… out right now.
MAR: Which is two more than I have.
MARS: Well. Okay, here we go. So I added one ability point to Strength, one ability point to Wisdom, so I’m at an 18 Wisdom, an 18 on Strength, I got another level two spell slot, and here’s where my luck comes in. Clerics get a d8 for hit dice, right? And we reroll ones in this podcast group. I rolled a fucking 2, so that’s an extra four hit points for Sylacrum and that’s 29 HP total.
JAS: Squishy! Squishy chicken tenders.
WINK: Fuck your chicken strips.
MARS: I don’t want the image of soggy chicken strips in my head… no, no…
JAS: Gross.
MAR: Let’s just move on.
JAS: North, what’s popping?
NORTH: All right, so I took a 2 plus ability score into Intelligence, bringing it up to eighteen.
JAS: Smart cookie.
NORTH: For my hit dice, I rolled a 3 and my Constitution modifier is a 2, so I got five more hit points, bringing me to a total of 25.
JAS: Squishy!
NORTH: Yeah, that’s why I took… what is it?
MAR: Expeditious Retreat?
NORTH: Yes, Expeditious Retreat. That’s exactly why I took that.
JAS: You said, “I gotta get the FUCK outta here.” All right, Mar, what’s poppin?
MAR: So I took a feat, because I’m special.
JAS: Oh my god, quirky.
MAR: Quirky! I took the Resilient feat to Constitution, which gives me a +1 increase, which brings my Constitution up to a 16 and also gives me proficiency in Constitution saving throws, so I now have a +3 to Constitution and a +5 to Constitution saving throws. I also, because of that, because my Constitution modifier increased, I get another hit point for every level I am.
JAS: Correct.
MAR: I got four more hit points from that, I got 2 from my old Constitution modifier, and I rolled a 6 on my hit die, so I got 12 more hit points, bringing me to a total of 47. Also, have I explained my subclass?
JAS: I don’t believe you have.
MARS: You haven’t.
MAR: I also play with a homebrew subclass. My Paladin oath is the Oath of Paradox. So… most of what that means at fourth level is my Channel Divinities, which you’ve seen me use a couple of times. I have Divine Evasion, which gives a 10 point reduction to an attack against an ally, and I also have Paradoxical Wrath, which can cause a creature to become frightened of me for a minute. So those are those, and my domain spells are Bane and Bless for my level one spells, since I’m still baby in terms of spellcasting.
JAS: And Mar came up with their subclass, with some of my influence, but I gave them a god and they ran with it.
MAR: Yeah, you gave me Levion and I said, “Hello!”
JAS: It’s very good, and with Mar’s permission, that’ll be up on… [MAR: Yeah!] Okay cool, that’ll be up on Patreon later alongside it. And we’ll probably put dryadfolk up there, while we’re at it, so we can get all your spicy ass homebrew stuff.
MAR: Also, if you would like, we could put the Hug cantrip up on Patreon?
JAS: All that shit!
MAR: Although I have given details of the Hug cantrip on the podcast, but if you would like an official written description of Hug in the style of a D&D spell description, I have that and I can send it to Jas and get that up on Patreon.
NORTH: Can we get a hug is a cantrip shirt?
MAR: I sure would like to.
WINK: I want it as a sweatshirt, because sweatshirts just feel like a hug that you can wear.
JAS: It would be confy.
MAR: Wink is correct, actually. Sweatshirt is the correct idea.
MARS: You’re missing the obvious choice in this conversation. Make it a Snuggie.
JAS: Jesus Christ.
MAR: No!
WINK: The door is that way.
MARS: I’m not going anywhere, I bring the chaos to this group.
WINK: Like hell you do!
MARS: Like Zoinks, Scoob! Whatcha got going on over there, Shaggy?
NORTH: I really thought you were gonna say make it into a jersey and it was gonna make me really angry.
WINK: My love, do you know Hesperis’ alignment?
NORTH: Chaotic neutral?
WINK: Chaotic Lawful. She adheres to a strict moral code, but good luck figuring out what the fuck it is.
JAS: Oh, Jesus Christ.
MAR: Anyway, we’re leveled up now.
JAS: (in a long-suffering DM tone) We’re leveled up, take a long rest, we’ll see you next session. Jesus Christ.
[THEME MUSIC]
