Episode 4: The Storyteller’s Gift Transcript
Transcript Note: Next in the Order’s episodes are hand-transcribed by members of the cast. If you find issues with accuracy, clarity, or formatting, please let us know and we’ll get it fixed as soon as we possibly can! You can contact us via Instagram or Twitter @nextintheorder.
A PDF version of this transcript can be found here!
JAS: At the end of his age, a new story begins. One of magic, mystery, and mischief. The flat plane of Citarya thrums, in the echo of a heartbeat, and it waits with bated breath for the last story ever seen in the scales. This is Next in the Order.
[THEME MUSIC]
JAS: Hello one and all and welcome back to another episode Next in the Order! I am your not-so-humble Dungeon Master Jas, as always, and we’re gonna do a pronoun check with the people that pronouns change. Yeehaw. That’s… Wink, what are the vibes?
WINK: He/they.
JAS: Oooh!
[OVERLAPPING EXPRESSIONS OF EXCITEMENT FROM PLAYERS]
JAS: Keep it funky, keep it fresh! Mars.
MARS: Funny thing, controversially, it’s they/he today.
[MORE EXPRESSIONS OF EXCITEMENT]
JAS: We’re spicy today! We’re feeling feisty! All right, work! Okay. Yes?
MAR: I have a quick correction. I’ve been playing this entire time like a greataxe is 2d6 and a greatsword is 1d12. Turns out, it’s the opposite. So we’re fixing that.
JAS: You know, sometimes you know the rules and sometimes you… don’t.
MAR: And sometimes you write them wrong on your character sheet.
JAS: It do be like that. All right, so. Last week we left off, we walked up a mountain following the pathway of the portals, and we walked up the mountains, we saw some regular-ass pears.
WINK: Tragic.
JAS: It really was a tragedy for Hesperis. Saw some regular-ass pears, had some good conversation, some… y’know, bonding time™. And then we went up the mountain, found a false wall in the side of the mountain off of this plateau, and inside you found Castor and Pollux, the two elves that you had tried to contact where Robert the Rosebush was - I got it right this time, motherfuckers!
WINK: (quietly) I’m proud of you!
JAS: Wow. And then - you saw Castor and Pollux, and they were also there with a big dragon named Oberon, who was taking his last moments to watch the Aurora Borealis. And he showed you all a dream of what may come, and in turn, Hesperis told him a story - the story of the Fracture, and then we watched as his eyes closed one last time. And that is where we left off. So yeah, you are all standing in this big cave and several of you mentioned last time that you were crying.
WINK: Yup.
MAR: Cire’s still got tears in her eyes.
JAS: Yeah, fair.
WINK: Yeah, Hesperis is fully crying.
JAS: And this dragon, Oberon… he has closed his eyes and his scales have started to lose a little bit of that… they’re just not quite as vibrant looking as they were. And he is gone. Whattya do?
MARS: Geez, break our hearts and then immediately just go: UwU Whattya do?
JAS: Of course.
WINK: Hesperis is going to stand up and walk over to him and gently try to, y’know, just casually desecrate his corpse. Just tug a scale out of place and put it in her pack.
JAS: So you grab at this scale, and it just gives way in your hand, and you hold now, in your hand, this scale. And it’s large, it takes up the entire size of your hand, and you’re looking at it, and you start to see images dance across it. You look and they start to tell a story. You see a young girl who is an elf, and then you see a young human girl playing together, and then we watch them grow up, and you watch as the human grows old and the elf doesn’t.
WINK: Oh, hit me with lifespan angst.
JAS: And it is heartbreaking, but there is a sense of joy and peace in it nonetheless. And as you look at it, more images start to dance across, of different stories, different places.
MARS: I think while Hesperis kind of goes up to grab a scale, Sylacrum walks around the room gathering all of the little trinkets he had left out while they were telling the story. And as he picks them up, disassembles them real quick, and outstretches his prosthetic, and slowly starts putting pieces back into his wing. Just ‘cause.
JAS: That’s tight.
MARS: Where do you think he got the metal from?
JAS: That’s tight. Yeah?
MAR: What does the rest of the cave look like? Like surrounding Oberon?
JAS: It’s fairly barren because this is… Castor kind of said, this is not his dwelling place, this was just where he came to come see the Aurora Borealis and visit the material plane. As like one last (mispronounced) hurrah - I hate the way I said that. It’s fairly barren, it’s just this big cave with 40-foot-high ceilings. Yeah, it’s just him - Oberon’s body - and then Castor and Pollux and you lot.
WINK: What is going to happen to his body?
JAS: Castor looks at it, and says, (as Castor) I’m not powerful enough to get it back home to the Feywild. It was through his portals that I was able to go back and forth, but now that he’s gone, I don’t really have any way of getting back over there. So, I guess it will stay here. You are all welcome to take scales.
WINK: Have you seen the stories?
JAS: (as Castor) Yes. They’re wonderful, aren’t they?
WINK: They’re beautiful. And some of them tragic, but…
JAS: (as Castor) There are some happy ones, there are some sad ones, just as stories go. There’s some funny ones. (as DM) And he walks over and he takes a scale, and this one is a little bit smaller - it’s from the top… it’s up higher on his back, and he hands it to you. And you see dancing in it, it is a person being chased by a swarm of bees. And they are running, and they dive into the water, and you see the bees fly by and then he sits back up with a salmon on his head, and is laughing joyously.
WINK: Excellent.
MERCER: Caelum is going to walk over and take a scale. And then he’s going to outstretch one of his own wings and pluck a feather from it, and leave it in the place of the scale.
JAS: Okay, yeah. Are you going to look into your scale?
MERCER: Yes.
JAS: Kay. You look into this scale, and roll a d4 for me.
MERCER: Three.
JAS: Three? Okay, you see a domestic moment. It is… you see a mom and a dad, and the dad is laughing in the kitchen. They’re both humans with dark skin. The mom has tufts of hair that she is braiding into her daughter’s hair, into these long box braids while the dad is cooking dinner. And they are laughing about something. And it’s just an image of this moment.
MERCER: He’s going to nod a bit, smiling… it’s smaller than a normal smile would be, and then he’s going to tuck the scale into the pocket on his bag.
MAR: Where do the stories come from?
JAS: Castor says, (as Castor) Well, the stories are true. All of them. They’re the stories that Oberon has collected through his life as he went about, you know, dragons can look like normal people. Your normal everyday. So he went around often and collected these stories.
WINK: Like as a horde?
JAS: (as Castor) It was his horde, yeah. A lot of these are… a lot of the ones from the Material Plane are old, way before the Fracture. Eons and eons ago. Some of them are newer. Those are going to be from the Feywild. He spent so much time there.
MAR: Would it be possible for Cire to find a scale that has stories from the Material Plane and the Feywild or two different scales that have some from each?
JAS: So, you start to look at the scales to try and find this, right? And you realize that a lot of them… it’s kind of like those digital picture frames that scroll through photos - I’m picturing that but with stories. So whatever is in the scale isn’t going to stay that one story in the scale, does that make sense? It rotates through, they’re like photo albums of stories.
MAR: Are they the same ones? Do they repeat or do they continue to rotate through.
JAS: They continue to rotate through. As far as you can tell, they continue to rotate through the stories, yeah.
MAR: Okay, then Cire would just take one.
JAS: Okay.
WINK: Yeah, it’s probably just that eventually they would probably loop back, but there’s just so many. ‘Cause he’s like… fucking… millennia old.
JAS: Very, very old.
WINK: Is an… yes, an eon is definitely longer than a millennia, I am so stupid, I’m sorry.
JAS: Hey! Time isn’t real, so like…
WINK: Time is fake and the birds work for the bourgeoisie.
JAS: Exactly.
NORTH: I think I’m also gonna have Valus take a scale.
MAR: What does Cire see in her scale?
JAS: Roll a d4.
MAR: We’re gonna roll the Cire d4. 4.
JAS: With a 4, hold on, I need to check my notes on something, and why do I not have… I’m losing it! Aah!
MERCER: While Jas is doing that, we are at seven “fuck”s for the episode thus far.
JAS: Good!
MERCER: Two from Mars, three from Wink, two from Jas.
WINK: Wait, when did I say fuck?
MARS AND MAR: Just now!
WINK: Fuck y’all!
JAS: That’s two! Back in, the notes have been consulted. The notes have been checked. Okay, so you look into this scale and you start to look at it, and you see a vision of a wasteland. It is bright, it is hot. Just looking at it, you’re like, “oof.” It’s the desert terrain. You see a town, and you see - in Winter you would call them cowboys. You see several, walking around. One of them is patrolling, walking around. And then you see, out of nowhere, his body gets swallowed up by the sand by his feet.
WINK: [SAD TROMBONE NOISES]
MARS: Foreshadowing!
WINK: [MORE SAD TROMBONE NOISES]
JAS: Anyway, thanks for helping my dramatic moment. Homie gets swallowed up by the sand underneath his feet and he is gone.
NORTH: He was not the rootin’est or the tootin’est cowboy, evidently.
MARS: Well, he’s the root of something, now.
JAS: He no longer be rootin’, he no longer be tootin’, and he certainly no longer be shootin’.
WINK: Do he be cowboy-bootin’?
NORTH: New boot goofin’
MAR: Is that all I see?
JAS: That is all you see, yes.
MAR: Is it just the one cowboy that got swallowed?
JAS: That you can see.
MAR: Okay.
NORTH: I wanna roll for a story!
JAS: Okay, roll for a story! Roll a d4.
NORTH: That’s a 3.
JAS: A three? Cool, you see a… you look and you see a place that is unfamiliar. Actually, go ahead and roll an Intelligence check to see if you can parse what it may be.
NORTH: Oh, please… I’m gonna cry. That’s an 8.
JAS: Well, you don’t know where it is.
NORTH: For me to be a doctor, I’m pretty fucking stupid.
JAS: Maybe you just need new dice. That’s where we’re at.
NORTH: I change sets every week!
MAR: Maybe you need to get some of your own dice.
NORTH: Maybe. I guess… yeah…
MAR: Maybe borrowed dice just don’t have the right vibes for you.
NORTH: They’re not tuned into my vibes.
JAS: Right. Okay, so you look and you see this place. It is lush with greenery, and you see these… you wouldn’t call them elves. They’re elf-adjacent at best. They have bright gold skin and their hair literally looks like sunlight, and they are dressed in these massive gowns and suits, and it’s very regal and formal. And you see one woman sitting on a throne. Her legs are crossed and she appears to be barking orders at someone, and somebody bows to her and walks off, and the minute he is out the door she collapses in the throne a little bit and turns to the man in the chair next to her, and says something to him and he lets out a laugh. Are you eating a dice?
WINK: I wanted to lick something but everything was blanket.
[EVERYONE LAUGHS]
MARS: We’re extremely professional here at Next in the Order, don’t ever think otherwise, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
NORTH: (overlapping) We’re extremely professional, as my last note says, “sexy queen elf-adjacent.”
JAS: We are extremely professional as Mercer counts the number of “fuck”s in the episode, I am sitting here crocheting while I DM, and…
WINK: And I have dice in my mouth.
MAR: And I already have this many notes.
JAS: Oh my God!
MARS: Are you writing a telenovela?
JAS: I am.
WINK: I’m sorry, you think telenovela writers put that much effort into the stories?
NORTH: Hey, I watched one in high school that was pretty deep.
JAS: They go some places.
MARS: Hey, at least the name Hernando pops up five different times in any telenovela ever, okay.
WINK: Who is Hernando?
MERCER: He’s scared of nothing. [NORTH: I am Hernando, I am afraid of nothing.]
WINK: Mouse house.
JAS: The mouse house is coming for our throats, this is two episodes in a row, oh no! The third it’s like Beetlejuice. The third and we get a cease and desist letter.
MARS: And Mar is on the ground, we have killed Mar. This was all an elaborate ruse to get rid of a player, folks.
JAS: Are you good?
WINK: Why do you want to get rid of the one player with a braincell?
JAS: Valus thinks he has the braincell, alas.
NORTH: He does not. Valus knows he should.
WINK: Valus conned a university into thinking he has a braincell.
NORTH: I used Chegg for al of my classes.
[EVERYONE LAUGHING]
MERCER: Is Fantasy Chegg just Chugg?
JAS: Yes. It is now!
WINK: Also, why do I feel like Valus doesn’t make lesson plans, he just teaches other people’s Quizlets.
NORTH: Hey, he makes lesson plans! He makes them off of other people’s Quizlets.
JAS: Are you good? Have you recovered?
MAR: Hopefully.
MARS: And Mar has risen.
WINK: Do you need to fuck an old white man about it?
MAR: (distressed) No!
MERCER: Wink, you’re at six!
WINK: Cry my a table, Sharon!
JAS: A table?
MARS: That’s definitely fucky-wucky in the most extreme measure.
JAS: Anyway, back to the dead dragon.
MAR: You might want to put a clap in there.
JAS: No, I’m leaving this shit in!
WINK: Even the mouse house?
JAS: Even the mouse house!
MARS: Oh God, that’s the second time, nobody say it again.
NORTH: Maybe if we make enough d20 references, Brennan will show up and guest DM. For an episode. Please.
JAS: That’s - please? Please? I would play for Brennan Lee Mulligan in a heartbeat.
WINK: I would play for Brennan Lee Mulligan for the sole purpose of inflicting as much psychic damage as possible.
NORTH: I’d buy him dinner.
MERCER: Imagine Emily and Wink in the same campaign.
JAS: Oh, no…
NORTH: Chaos incarnate.
WINK: [LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
JAS: Emily, Wink and Becca Scott for those who have watched The Seven. That would be the nightmare trio. Nothing would get done, we would just be doing side quests of making out with random people for no reason.
WINK: Bold of you to assume we wouldn’t be making out with each other.
JAS: Oh, damn. All right, the dragon. Yes?
MARS: Yes, I think the only one who doesn’t have a scale yet is Ye Olde Chicken Lad.
MAR: Did you just say Chicken Lad?
MARS: Yes, I did say Chicken Lad.
NORTH: I’m gonna start calling you Chicken Little now. Does Winter have Chicken Little? Is that a thing? Is Chicken Little canon?
JAS: No, there’s Chicken Big.
MARS: Exact same story, just now it’s a big chicken now.
JAS: No, he’s still little. It’s the same movie, he’s just Chicken Big. It’s like the really big guys that are named Tiny. It’s that.
WINK: Okay, so, for the listeners, I’m just gonna clue you into what the fuck is happening here. We’re all fucking exhausted, and none of us want to have the adult braincell today, but we made a commitment to be here, so we’re here, and we’re cranking out an episode. So subscribe to our Patreon so we can actually make money for this, because we’re suffering.
JAS: If you enjoyed this content.
MARS: If you enjoyed this content, subscribe to Patreon and I might get my own show, called After the Order. Patent pending.
JAS: That is not what we decided the name was, but okay.
MARS: I don’t have the braincell! I’m not fucking remembering anything.
MERCER: God damnit Mars. If you want to see the “Fuck” counter, that will be up on our Patreon.
WINK: You have to add a “fuck” to yours.
MERCER: I already did. Preemptively.
WINK: And to mine.
JAS: What are we up to? How are we doing? I would like to know.
MERCER: Four, six…
WINK: Thirteen?
MERCER: No, that’s…
WINK: That’s seven.
MERCER: Yeah, thirteen… eighteen.
MAR: Does anyone not have one?
MERCER: You.
JAS: Are you gonna try to make it through the episode without a fuck?
MAR: Okay, in fairness, there is one specific phrase that I use it with…
JAS: Fucky-wucky?
MAR: Yes, so unless I have to use that phrase, I will get through it!
JAS: All of this is getting edited out…
WINK: Anyway, so dead dragon!
MAR: Anyway, dead dragon!
JAS: Hey, did I mention that there’s a dead dragon here? Do with that what you will.
MARS: I think Sylacrum…
MAR: Cire’s still crying.
JAS: Cool!
MARS: I think Sylacrum’s gonna walk up to where Oberon’s left paw is, kind of the other one that Hes didn’t leave the flowers at the base of and take a scale from as close to one of his talons as possible.
JAS: Yeah. You grab a scale. Do you want to see what you’ve got going on in there, or?
MARS: Yeah, sure.
JAS: Roll a d4.
MARS: Three.
JAS: Three. Okay, with that three you see an image of a dryadfolk, and they are in the colors of Spring. They are light colored, like light green skin, and they’ve got these long… their hair are these vines that have these red berries all down it. There’s not blossoms, it’s just the berries, and little twiggy branches sticking out here and there. And they don’t have any antlers yet. [WINK: (inaudible)] Yeah, little. You see they are sitting and they are walking through this place, it is lush and beautiful and it is so vibrant and colorful, and they look up and you see this metal gilded… cage is the best way you can describe it, but it is covered up with vines and you see a big grin comes up on this young dryadfolk’s face. And they point at it and say something to somebody. And the other person laughs and… yeah, that is what you see.
MARS: After seeing that, Sylacrum’s gonna smile softly to himself and then do something a little weird. He pulls out that book he’s been pulling out every once in occasion and opens it. And to anybody paying attention, they would probably see the book kind of flips itself to a completely blank page, and as Sylacrum kind of puts the scale into it, it seems to embed itself within the page, taking up a full two pages. And what was once a white page slowly starts to become the same shimmering scale that Oberon once had but more muted.
JAS: And you see out of nowhere a little note pops up to the side and it labels the scale, “Moonstone Dragon Scale: Obtained 703 AF.”
MARS: And then Sylacrum’s gonna close the book, put it away, and take a little gear off of his wing and place it where his scale once was.
[JAS LAUGHING]
WINK: Earlier, when Hesperis picked up her scale, I wrote in my notes, “Dragon Scale: Obtained,” so that was funny.
JAS: Yes, you have a thought?
MAR: The die that I rolled, I wanted to see how much of that Cire would perceive. The perception roll that I rolled was a 14.
JAS: So, yeah, you see it blend into the page, but you don’t see the writing pop up.
MAR: I don’t see all the details.
JAS: Mhm. Exactly. You all see Castor, he walks over to the side of Oberon, and sits down and leans against him, and says, (as Castor) I suppose I owe you all a bit an explanation as to what happened here. Oberon here is what.. was once called a moonstone dragon. They are… unheard of, now, pretty much. It is a dragon who at a young age, or even while still an egg, resided in the Feywild, and while there, picked up Feywild energy. So it is not… moonstone dragons aren’t necessarily one kind of dragon. Oberon here was a red dragon before he was a moonstone dragon. But there are other kinds of dragons that are now moonstone dragons. And as you all saw, they have a little bit of sleep magic that they impart, and can also open portals to other realms. That’s kind of just a byproduct that happens around them more than anything. So I don’t know if any of you stepped through those portals, but you may have been to the Feywild, or to the Shadowfell, or the Ethereal Plane.
WINK: Which one of them has the weird gravity?
JAS: (as Castor) Oh, the one where it feels like you’re falling?
WINK: No, the one where I could walk on the walls and the ceiling and the floor, but Sylacrum could only walk on the ceiling.
JAS: (as Castor) That was probably the Feywild. Weird shit happens in the Feywild, to put it bluntly.
WINK: It’s a bit fucky-wucky, yes.
JAS: (as Castor) Yes. That is one way of putting it. So I’d imagine if you believed you could walk on those walls, then you could.
WINK: Hmm. What’s a god to a nonbeliever?
[LAUGHTER FROM THE TABLE]
MARS: Out of character, you can go fuck yourself, Wink.
JAS: What movie is that from? Or is it from like…?
WINK: It’s from a song, is it not?
MARS: I think it’s from a Tumblr… it’s either from a song or a Tumblr post.
NORTH: I only remember seeing it in…
JAS: It is in a song by Jay-Z.
NORTH: What is a something to a king, what is a king to a god, what is a god to a nonbeliever?
WINK: What’s a mob to a king. What’s a king to a god, what’s a god to a nonbeliever.
NORTH: That’s the Kanye West part.
JAS: I know there’s a part in Rap God like “Be a king? Think not, Why be a king when you can be a God?” Anyway!
WINK: I’m so sorry, Mar.
JAS: This is Mar’s villain origin story. Not Cire’s, Mar’s.
MAR: Actually, this is not my villain origin story. In about four days when I’m editing this, that will be my villain origin story.
JAS: Yeah…
NORTH: At least we don’t have a 23 hour turnover time.
MAR: It was 28 hours, but yeah, it was bad.
JAS: It was rough. It was a little bit rough, buddy.
MAR: We got it done!
JAS: We did get it done.
MARS: Be appreciative of that Episode 2, y’all.
JAS: Back to D&D.
NORTH: Valus is gonna look at… now I forgot his name.
JAS: Castor?
NORTH: He’s gonna look at Castor, and with a bit of concern, and say, he has quite a bit of magic in his body. Is there no concern of that attracting anything or leaking out?
JAS: (as Castor) It will fade with time, I’d imagine. I haven’t really dealt with dragon death before. This is new. I don’t really… yeah.
NORTH: How long have you known him?
JAS: (as Castor) Three years, give or take? Time moves weird when you’re in and out of the Feywild, but- Yeah, um, I mean I don’t- It’s a little bit- It is both less and more than three years.
NORTH: I’m going to take that at face value, and [JAS: Yeah] move on.
JAS: Um, yes?
MAR: What is Pollux up to?
JAS: Pollux is off to the side looking very awkward and uncomfortable. Um, you can see that this was- like, just, like, you can get a beat on him without even doing any kind of insight check. Um, this was Castor’s thing. He is here for moral support, but um, this is Castor’s thing. Like, this is out of his depth. He is like “Sure, yes, um, this is a dragon. Um, I just usually hang out with my rosebush. Wink!”
NORTH: Hey that’s you!
WINK: Out of curiosity, what’s Oberon’s Constitution modifier?
MARS: What are you trying to do?
NORTH: I’m- [NOISES OF CONCERN AND DISTRUST]
WINK: Will you allow me to do this?
JAS: I- Make a medicine check.
MAR: Does it work if the target has died of old age? ‘Cause I know a lot of-
JAS: This is-
WINK: That’s a… 16? 15.
JAS: 15? So Oberon is dead. Not on death saving throws.
WINK: Okay, so he’s fully nae-naed. Got it.
JAS: Fully nae-naed, yes indeed.
NORTH: What were you attempting to do?
WINK: It’s not important.
JAS: That’s a surprise tool that’ll help us later. For future though, the Con would’ve been a +6.
WINK: Okay, so I should have done it while he was still talking to us. [SNAPS FINGER-GUNS] Got it. [LAUGHTER FROM JAS AND WINK]
NORTH: Is this like some… revive spell?
MAR: It’s a surprise tool that’ll help us later!
NORTH: Alright, that’s fair.
MARS: I feel like the more questions we ask in this situation, the more it’s gonna bite us in the ass later on.
WINK: Oh yes, definitely.
NORTH: We’ll let surprises be surprises, and bygones be bygones.
WINK: I’m sorry, what bygones are here?
NORTH: I don’t know. Admittedly, I don’t even know what “bygones” means!
WINK: [LAUGHING IN DISTRESS] I don’t either!
NORTH: They’re by, and they’re gone, so-
MAR: I’m trying to put notes in a sheet protector quietly and I put them in the wrong way.
JAS: Pain. It’s the image of Griffin McElroy that’s like, “I don’t know what blank is, and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.” That’s me with bygones.
[LAUGHTER FROM THE TABLE]
MAR: Wait, that’s Griffin?
JAS: Yes! That’s a Griffin meme! Griffin was a Vine lord.
MARS: I think we’ve played 10 minutes of actual D&D, and we are 40 minutes into this recording. [WEIRD SOUNDS FROM JAS AND WINK] Professional……
WINK: (unrepentantly) I’m sorry!
MARS: Oh no, it’s all fucked-
JAS: We’re on something different this episode, I don’t know what’s happening.
MAR: We’re struggling today.
MARS: It has been a week.
WINK: Um-
JAS: Hey it’s 4:20.
WINK: Nice.
MARS: Ooh, we should go find that rosebush again.
[LAUGHTER FROM THE TABLE]
JAS: Castor- you ask what Castor’s doing in the corner. He’s just- He has- like, he found like a rocky surface and is rolling up….. something!
[LAUGHTER FROM THE TABLE]
WINK: Did you mean Pollux?
JAS: That’s- Yes, that name. Pollux, “The Other One.”
WINK: Eeby deeby.
JAS: That’s how he’s known in mythology too, is “The Other One.” Castor’s a demigod, Pollux is not. They are twins.
MAR: How does that work?
JAS: That’s a great question!
WINK: Well you see, fraternal twins are when two eggs are joined with two sperms, therefore, if you fuck two guys at once, there is a chance…
JAS: It was not at once but that is- yes.
NORTH: Where is this episode going?
[LAUGHTER FROM THE TABLE]
MERCER: Anyway! Um!
WINK: It is time for Hesperis’ Sex Ed class. This is her new purpose.
[LAUGHTER FROM THE TABLE]
JAS: I kind of want that now.
MERCER: Patreon content!
MAR: Patreon content.
JAS: Jeeeesus Christ.
WINK: Hesperis’ Sex Ed is only about the reproduction of plants. [NORTH AND JAS LAUGH] Oh! And the gender of bees! That shit’s fucked! [Laughter from Mar]
JAS: Love me some fucking bee gender. Anyway, would we like to dungeon our dragon?
MAR: Please? I sure would like to!
MARS: I think my dragon’s been dungeoned a bit too much this episode.
WINK: Yeah, our dragon’s fuckin’ dead, babe.
[TRAUMATIZED LAUGHTER FROM THE TABLE]
JAS: Well-
NORTH: We have no dragon to dungeon.
JAS: I was gonna say “And whose fault is that?” Mine. Expressly mine. I killed the dragon.
NORTH: Why would you do that to the dragon?
MARS: Five minutes, you broke our hearts for five minutes and then said “Oh well! C’est la vie, the dragon’s dead. Whattya do? UwU”
JAS: Yeah. UwU whattya do?
WINK: (in an anime girl voice) UwU whattya do?
NORTH: That’s the highest I’ve ever heard your voice.
JAS: What does Cire do?
MAR: Cire would like to go wait by the mouth of the cave.
JAS: Okay.
MERCER: Caelum will be joining her.
NORTH: Yeah, Valus. is gonna go, too.
WINK: Hesperis wants whatever Pollux is having.
JAS: You look at him, he gives you a look, nods, passes it to you.
WINK: I don’t know what hand shape I’m doing right now, I’ve never smoked in my life.
JAS: I know. Roll a Con save.
WINK: Eeby deeby.
MARS: Oh no, what is that?
WINK: That’s an eleven.
JAS: Okay, you cough.
WINK: Okay.
JAS: And you start to feel a little weird.
WINK: Feeling a little weird is just how Hesperis lives her life.
JAS: Yeah, but it’s a little bit weird for Hesperis, even. You’re starting to… [TRAILS OFF] And at any point, I may say to make a roll at disadvantage.
WINK: Okay, sure.
NORTH: The cough is what fucked you.
WINK: Yeah. No, Hesperis has, I haven’t, So when I did the roll…
JAS: (overlapping) No, I’m aware, but she has not done weird rosebush, and it has a different taste than I think Hesperis was expecting.
MARS: Different season, different strain.
JAS: Yeah, exactly, it’s a different strain, but like the weirdest strain - I’ve never smoked weed. I hope this is abundantly clear by the way I am discussing this.
WINK: Oh, the one brother that actually listens to the podcast is gonna be roasting me.
JAS: Oh, good.
WINK: Yes, Mar, you have a thought?
MAR: This plot avoidance is worse than episode 1.
JAS: Yeah, ‘cause this plot avoidance is out of character.
WINK: Wait, there’s plot?
MAR: No!
MARS: Not yet, we haven’t found it, Well, actually, we did find it, and then… you know, somebody had to kill it.
JAS: You know, maybe there’d be plot if you went and looked for it.
WINK: Okay, sure, let’s look for the plot. I’m gonna roll an investigation check.
JAS: Roll an investigation check! Actually, do it! Right now!
WINK: That’s a sixteen!
JAS: With a sixteen, you look out and you see the town of Aurora, starting to wake up, and look around and be like, “What the fuck?”
[DIE ROLLING]
WINK: Hesperis’ stomach growls very loudly.
JAS: Yeah.
WINK: I believe it is food time. Do we want to head back to the tavern and find out if everyone else is awake yet?
NORTH: We should probably let Rowena know.
MARS: Oh, yes, flare.
MAR: Do we need the flare? I feel like we could just go back into town, I think it’s pretty clear that we figured out what was going on.
WINK: Yes because one of them was “Don’t follow us” and the other one was -
MARS: We’ll meet you at the clock tower, right?
MAR: The tavern, the Ink-Dipped Quill.
JAS: Clock tower? There’s not even a clock tower.
WINK: Do whatever you want with the flare, I am going to go get some fucking food.
MARS: Well, I made it, it only makes sense to shoot it off, so…
MAR: Or you could save it, in case we need it again.
WINK: Okay, but then how will Rowena know to meet us?
MAR: It’s not that big of a town, we could find Rowena ourselves.
MARS: (whining) But there’s a lot of people in the town, and that’s a lot of work, and I already made it, can I just shoot something that explodes?
MAR: Go for it.
MERCER: This isn’t that big of a town to you?
MAR: No.
MERCER: I am really out of the loop.
MARS: While they’re having this conversation, Sylacrum’s gonna tie the flare to the end of a crossbow bolt [JAS: Okay] and just kind of shoot it off into the sky. And then a bright red flash goes off, kind of like… not exactly like fireworks, but like…
JAS: I’m gonna give it some the flavor of those crackly fireworks, the ones that make my brain go brr, that they kind of pop and then the little fizzles. That’s the vibe we’re getting.
NORTH: I forgot that we made it the exact opposite colors of what it typically is.
JAS: Yeah, because y’all hate me.
WINK: Heart emoji.
JAS: Yes, Mar?
MAR: Does Cire hear Hesperis’ stomach growling?
WINK: I rolled a 14 for stomach growl volume.
MAR: Okay, so should I roll a perception check with a DC of 6…?
JAS: No, you just hear it, because I’m lazy.
MAR: Okay. So back to town, meet Rowena at the tavern, hopefully someone will be awake so we can get some food?
WINK: Yes, please. We ate all my jerky on the way up here.
MAR: All of it?
WINK: Well, all that I had in my backpack, so, yes, all of it.
MAR: Okay.
MARS: Well, I still have an apple if you want it.
WINK: No, thank you.
MARS: Eh, more for me, then.
JAS: Crunch.
MARS: I’m not making chewing sounds.
JAS: Good.
NORTH: The poor soul that has to wake up after an eighteen hour nap and start cooking.
WINK: I thought owls were carnivores?
MARS: [NOISES OF UNCERTAINTY] It’s a bit fucky wucky, how you say.
MAR: Well, you’re not exactly an owl, are you? In the same way that Hesperis isn’t a plant?
MARS: Gah! Eh, more like- not like an owl in the sense of, oh, like I look like an owl, right? But like-
WINK: Can you poop?
[CONCERNED LAUGHTER FROM MAR]
MARS: I do, in fact, have a butthole.
NORTH: “Can you poop?”?
MAR: So-
WINK: Owls do not poop!
MARS: That- that brings up a good point!
NORTH: That is true.
MARS: Can you poop?
WINK: Yes I poop. But owls do not poop!
MARS: Yeah, owls make pellets, but I am not exactly an owl.
NORTH: (exasperated) The plot avoidance has gone so far. [LAUGHTER FROM THE TABLE]
MAR: So- my question for you is: since Hesperis is not a plant, and therefore does not photosynthesize, it would also kind of follow that even though you look like an owl, you’re not entirely an owl, and therefore you wouldn’t necessarily have to be a carnivore like an owl is.
MARS: Eeeexactly.
WINK: But if you eat a mouse, do you also have to cough up the fur and bones? Or do you just poop them out?
MARS: My best friend is a rat! Granted he’s also a rat of a person, but like?
WINK: And you’re friends with him?
MARS: Well- look. Vorim knows how to get things. Vorim is also the one that got me to this side of the continent, so
NORTH: So what, he’s a fence?
MARS: You work for the school, I’m not- I don’t have to answer that.
NORTH: Like I didn’t just steal from them and head over here.
MARS: Well, to be fair, yes, we’ve already established this. We’re all criminals.
WINK: (sing-songs unintelligibly, but incredibly smugly)
MAR: Can we head back down to Aurora? We can keep talking as we go, but-
WINK: I thought we were talking as we go.
[CROSSTALK BETWEEN MAR WINK AND JAS]
JAS: I thought we were walking and talking too. I was like-
MAR: Okay, in that case, ignore me.
MARS: Uh, I think, just because I- big plot avoidance, haven’t been able to actually get the plot, when they start going down the mountain, Sylacrum just kind of like seems like he’s sighing a bit more, and kind of, takes out- takes out from his backpack kind of like a hammer pick head? And kind of just like taps the flat part of it, and a stick pops out, and he kind of starts using it as a cane as they’re going down the mountain.
MAR: Are you all right, Sylacrum?
MARS: Yeah, yeah. I’m okay, just- and he kind of like, flexes the metal wing, but like where he once had it like all the way sprawled out is more of a little kind of shoulder-shrug. This is a pain in the ass and usually owlin fly as much as they walk, and well- I can’t exactly do that.
MAR: I know it wouldn’t be a permanent fix, but would a little bit of healing help?
MARS: No, this is- this is just I’m tired, and the cane helps. A little bit.
[THEME SONG]
JAS: Hey guys its Jas. I’m back at it again for your friendly neighborhood ad break! Thank you so much for listening to the fourth episode of Next in the Order. We’re really trucking along. It’s wild. All right. Ads! Let’s do it.
JAS: Have you ever wanted to start a podcast? You’re sitting with your friends and you think, ‘hey wait a minute, we’re, like, really funny! Why don’t we do this into a microphone?’ Well, esteemed podcast-listener, there is no time like the present to turn that dream into a reality.
JAS: The first step to making that podcast is finding somewhere to host it, and Buzzsprout is the perfect place to do that. Buzzsprout will help you get your podcast listed on every major platform, and give you a free, good looking website, and so many analytics. You’ll just have analytics coming out of your ass. We use Buzzsprout here at NITO, and it’s made all the technical stuff super easy. Like, getting onto Apple Podcasts, no problem! Putting NITO onto Spotify, easy money! Projecting it straight into your brain so you can’t escape- wait no, Buzzsprout doesn’t actually do that.
JAS: See why over one hundred thousand podcasters already use Buzzsprout, and hey! If you sign up using the link in the description of this episode, you can receive a $20 amazon gift card if you sign up for a paid plan. And by doing that, you also get to support the show! It’s a win-win babey! Just use the link in the description to let Buzzsprout know that we sent ya.
JAS: Also, don’t forget to check us out on Patreon! We’ve got some new content up, including a link to a patrons only Discord server! You can come chat with us, hang out, vibe, whatever! Also being posted in the very near future is the first page of everyone’s character sheets. Special shout out to AzureAndCopper on Etsy for the literal most beautiful character sheets you’ve ever seen. They’re fucking stunning. And all of that’s on Patreon.com/Nextintheorder. That’s Patreon.com/Nextintheorder.
JAS: One last thing before I go: are you aware that we have transcripts for every episode? Those are available at nextintheorder.com. It’s incredibly important to us that this show is as accessible as possible, and we work hard to make these transcripts happen. And hey, if there is something we can do to make the show more accessible to you, please, please let us know over on all our social medias, @nextintheorder.
JAS: Okay that’s all from me this week! I will talk to you again next week! Enjoy the rest of the episode. Alright, Bye!
[THEME SONG]
JAS: All right, you all make your way back in- down the mountain, and back into town, and you walk into the Ink-Dipped Quill. And as you’re making your way into town, you see people are having conversations, and like, a lot of them look confused, some of them have the wildest bedhead you have ever seen, um, and you walk into the Ink-Dipped Quill and you see, sitting at a table, kind of looking around, is Rowena. Um, they’re kind of off to the side, and like, they wave as soon as they see you walk in.
MAR: What are Rowena’s pronouns?
JAS: They/she.
MAR: Okay.
JAS: Yes. (as Rowena) Oh, good! You’re all alright. Wonderful!
MARS: I’m glad you saw the signal flare.
JAS: (as Rowena) Yes, uh, kind of hard to miss.
MARS: Yes, bright red doesn’t really go with the whole Aurora Borealis thing.
JAS: (as Rowena) Yeah and I- it took me a minute to be like “Oh wait, red, was that the ‘stop, oh no, don’t come’ or?” You had to make it so confusing!
MARS: Well, I didn’t want it to be the same color as, yknow, big flashing lights in the sky that this town is famous for.
JAS: (as Rowena) Okay, fair enough? I mean- y-
MARS: Better safe than sorry, okay?
JAS: (as Rowena) Okay.
MAR: But you made one of the colors match them?
MARS: Well yeah, if you don’t see a flare, don’t fucking come!
WINK: Then why make two flares?
MAR: Then why have the fl-
MARS: Better safe than sorry!
JAS: (as Rowena) I’m so confused.
MARS: You didn’t- Y’all didn’t ask a specific color, the book gave me two colors. Well, it gave me three, but like, I like those two.
JAS: (as Rowena) (very tired) Okay.
WINK: You are a baffling bird.
JAS: (as Rowena) Weird color choices aside, thank goodness you’re all okay! Uh, what happened- what?
NORTH: A lot happened.
MAR: It didn’t turn out being dangerous. The effects were more of a side effect than anything.
WINK: There’s a dead dragon up on the mountain.
JAS: (as Rowena) I’m sorry?!
MERCER: Hesperis!
MAR: The dragon wasn’t dead when we got up there.
MARS: Cire-
JAS: (as Rowena) Uh- wh- did you kill a dragon?
PLAYERS: No!
WINK: Well, I told him a story, and he died. But I don’t- I think it was correlation, not causation.
MARS: It was correlation. He was already dying when we got there.
NORTH: He was old.
JAS: (as Rowena) O-kay?
WINK: Yes, old.
NORTH: Your friends were there.
JAS: (as Rowena) Oh! You found Castor and Pollux!
MAR and NORTH: Mhm!
JAS: (as Rowena) Oh, good. Glad to hear that they’re okay. Yeah I was wondering when the town started waking up and I still didn’t hear from them.
MAR: They’re fine. [JAS: (as Rowena) (relieved) Okay.] As far as I know, they’re still up on the mountain.
NORTH: They’ve been keeping a pretty big secret though.
JAS: (as Rowena) Oh well-
MAR: They’ve- They’ve been supporting this dragon.
NORTH: For about three years.
MAR: We think.
NORTH: Supposedly.
MARS: Ish.
JAS: (as Rowena) For Castor, that doesn’t surprise me. Shocked that Pollux kept his mouth shut for so long.
WINK: Pollux had things in his mouth to keep it shut.
JAS: (as Rowena) I suppose I did too, as well.
WINK: Ayy! Is he, y’know, Greek?
[NORTH LAUGHING]
MAR: So, is everything back to normal here?
JAS: (as Rowena) Seems like it. I… my friend, I have a friend from Winter who taught me the term, and I think I’m using it right… everyone may be a bit… jetlagged? For the next few days. Because the schedules got all off, but…
WINK: Fucky-wucky, yes.
MAR: I think it’s about as close to jetlag as you would find in Autumn.
JAS: (as Rowena) Yeah… okay. Yeah, she told me about it, still can’t believe that that’s a thing, flying… that’s crazy but, okay.
NORTH: I mean, I do it all the time.
JAS: (as Rowena) Well, no, but… like, it’s different when it’s a big… like a… she said it was like a tin can?
WINK: Powered by liquid dinosaurs, yes.
JAS: (as Rowena) What the fuck?
MARS: And Sylacrum, this whole time has kind of had his metal wing tucked around himself, and just kind of plucking little bits. And he just kind of unfurls and goes, why, it looks like this?
JAS: And, she takes it, holds it in her hand, and is like inspecting it and looking at it, and they give it back to you and go, (as Rowena) I… I’ll take your word for it.
MARS: Not fun, but fast.
MAR: So, everyone might be a little bit jet lagged, but it’s okay? Everyone woke up all right?
JAS: (as Rowena) As far as I know - I haven’t heard any reports of anybody not waking up.
MAR: (overlapping) Okay, that’s good to know. Second order of business: we’re all very hungry.
JAS: (as Rowena) Yes! Um… yes. (as DM) And she waves to the bartender and the bartender - it’s the same woman that Hesperis found passed out on the floor. She now looks both tired and refreshed, that way that happens after you take a nap that you didn’t mean to take, and you’re like “I feel better now, but also worse.” And so she waves to a gnomish woman who comes over and says (as server) Right, can I take your orders? We got… not a lot going on, honestly. But we’ve got some stew, we’ve got lamb, we’ve got salad…
MAR: I would love some stew.
JAS: (as server) Stew, all right!
NORTH: I’d take a bit of lamb.
JAS: (as server) Lamb. Oh, that comes with potatoes and green beans, is that all right?
NORTH: That’s fine. Thank you.
JAS: (as server) Wonderful!
MARS: Do you guys have any energy drinks or anything like that?
MERCER: The only place around here that you are going to find any sort of energy drink is going to be at Ye Olde Beavertown.
JAS: (attempting server voice) I can get you a cup of coffee? (as DM) What is that, that was not the voice! I lost it.
MARS: And you see Sylacrum just go, Oathar, and slam his head down onto the table and kind of sit there for a sec.
JAS: I have lost the voice, it’s gone. What was I doing?
MAR: Taking orders.
JAS: No, but what was the voice?
WINK: Vaguely Scottish, I believe.
JAS: Right. (as server) Scottish. All right. [MARS: There it is.] We can get you a bit of coffee if that works.
MARS: And kind of muffled because his face is still on the table, he goes, (whining) No… I want Slam. And lifts his head up and looks pouty. You know?
JAS: (as server) I’m not sure what this Slam is that you’re talking about, but…
WINK: It’s some toxic shit.
JAS: (as server) Okay, um…
MARS: It’s only slightly toxic, damnit.
JAS: (as server, hesitantly) Do you want the coffee, or no?
MARS: Fine.
JAS: (as server) Okay. And for you?
MERCER: I will have some stew, please.
JAS: (as server) Stew.
WINK: What is in your stew? I am vegan, so…
JAS: (as server) Um… it has (as DM) Nope, I’m losing the voice again. (as server) It’s got a little bit of the lamb in it, and then it’s got some carrots and celery, and it’s got… the broth is made from a bit of the fat, so if you’re vegan, I’d imagine the lamb’s not gonna do it for you.
WINK: I’ll take it. That was not Hesperis’ voice. I will take it.
JAS: (as server) The stew?
WINK: Yes, please.
JAS: (as server, hesitantly) Okay… stew for you. Do you want it without the lamb?
WINK: You can leave it in, it is okay.
JAS: Okay. (as DM) Do you have a thought?
MAR: I did, and I lost it.
JAS: Pain.
MAR: Oh, yes! I was going to ask: may I roll a luck check to see if Cire happens to have a very old energy drink in her backpack?
JAS: Yes, absolutely.
MAR: That’s a seventeen.
NORTH: Must be nice.
JAS: You - you dig in your backpack and in the very bottom, there is a can of Beast Energy, original flavor, the kind that tastes like battery acid. And you’re like, this probably is from about when Beast Energy came out, but you know.
NORTH: I love how hard we try to avoid copyright.
JAS: It’s not copyright that I’m trying to avoid! It’s just-
MAR: Fantasy brands!
JAS: It’s fantasy brands, exactly.
NORTH: Do we have like, store brands, in this fantasy world?
JAS: Like what flavor of store brand? Like what -
NORTH: Like how you go to target and they have Cap’n Crunch, but then they have, I don’t know, Skelly-the-Pirate…
JAS: Yes. All of that exists.
NORTH: Okay, good.
MAR: I would like to hand the ancient energy drink - I say ancient, Cire hasn’t been to winter in about twenty years, so it’s probably about that old, actually - so Cire’s going to hand over the energy drink and Caelum can do with that what he would like.
MERCER: As Cire is passing over the energy drink, Caelum is just gonna touch it and cast Lesser Restoration on it.
JAS: It looks a little bit better, but it’s still Beast, so you know it’s gonna taste like battery acid. But tasty?
MARS: And Sylacrum just takes it and goes, I appreciate the gesture. I’m still going to drink it, so… but also, if we ever go to Ye Olde Beavertown…
MAR: Yes. I would also like to point out that I still have my ability that will allow me to cure Sylacrum of poison, should you need it.
MARS: It’s fine, a little bit of poison never hurt anybody.
MERCER: That is just objectively not true.
WINK: No, it is… sometimes a little bit of poison can help you.
MARS: And Sylacrum just rips it open, just goes…
MERCER: Grip it and rip it, baby.
MARS: It doesn’t smell toxic, and just straight up cartoon character, mouth open, chugs the whole thing and kind of slams the can down and crushes it.
WINK: Can I make a check to see if I can accurately throw something into Sylacrum’s mouth?
JAS: Make an attack roll.
WINK: That’s a - what’s my attack bonus? what attack bonus would that be?
JAS: Just do it with dex.
MAR: Is it dex plus proficiency?
JAS: Yeah I think you automatically get proficiency. Maybe? Question mark. I don’t know. We’re gonna call it proficiency.
WINK: (overlapping) So that’s gonna be a fourteen.
JAS: What’s your armor class?
MARS: Right now it’s seventeen.
JAS: No, it bounces off. I don’t even know what you threw, what did you throw? What did you throw, Hesperis?
WINK: Just… I just need to subtract a hit point, no big deal.
JAS: You, a berry like hits you in the side of the face.
MARS: I feel like Sylacrum, when that happens, stops pouring and tilts his head a little bit, in the way that’s not like tilting but swiveling in his head in the direction where it came from. And you just hear a [UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISE] as he’s still got Slam in his throat.
WINK: Now that he’s facing me, can I try it again with advantage?
JAS: Yes. Don’t say I never do anything for you though.
WINK: That’s a… what’s my DEX modifier? That’s a twenty. Dirty twenty.
JAS: Dirty twenty… yeah that’s gonna beat Sylacrun’s armor class. I’m gonna need a Constitution saving throw from Sylacrum.
WINK: (giggling in background)
MARS: Oh, God. Fifteen?
JAS: What’s your DC?
WINK: Thirteen.
JAS: Thirteen. All right.
WINK: Guess we don’t get to find out.
JAS: We don’t get to find out. Suddenly in the midst of your battery acid beverage, there is a surprisingly sweet and tasty berry.
MARS: And yeah, same thing as before, Sylacrum just finishes it, slams down the can, and crushes it.
JAS: Of course you fucking crush the can. Your waitress comes back and she’s got the plates all stacked on her arm and starts setting down. (as server) All right, stew for you (as DM) That’s not the voice, I can’t find it again, why do I do this to myself? All right, we’re getting Scottish. (as server, correctly) All right, stew for you, lamb for you, and stew, and stew, and there you are. And there’s your coffee. Right, anything else I can get for you?
MAR: I don’t think so. Thank you.
NORTH: I think we’re fine, love, thank you.
JAS: (as server) Right, enjoy your meal!
WINK: Oh, actually, could I get a small plate, just a small empty plate, please?
JAS: (as server) Yeah, we can do that for you.
WINK: Sorry, I should have asked before.
JAS: (as sever) It’s all good. (as DM) And she goes back to the kitchen and comes back with a little plate and hands it to you.
WINK: Thank you. And Hesperis starts picking all of the vegetables and stuff out of her soup. Or stew.
MAR: Good soup.
WINK: Good soup.
MERCER: Good soup.
JAS: (emphatically) Good soup. (normally) Are you putting the veggies on the plate to the side?
WINK: Yes. [JAS: Okay.] So I have my bowl in front of me and my plate in front of me and I am using a spoon to scoop the vegetables and herbs and stuff out of the stew and onto the plate.
JAS: Okay.
NORTH: Which ones are you eating? Like out of the two? Is there any consumption going on here or is it just…?
WINK: Not right now.
NORTH: It’s just like sorting?
WINK: (overlapping) It’s just sorting. Like how I sort my Skittles. If you don’t eat Skittles by color, you’re a psychopath.
MAR: Why are you sorting your stew?
WINK: I thought I told you, I’m vegan.
MARS: What does vegan mean in Spring?
WINK: You eat anything whose purpose is to be eaten.
NORTH: I guess it’s subjective?
MERCER: Caelum is sitting there with a vaguely terrified look on his face at that statement.
JAS: Rowena looks at you and goes, (as Rowena) did you say “whose”? Wouldn’t it be “its purpose?”
WINK: Hesperis tucks into her bowl of stew.
MAR: So if you’re not eating the vegetables…?
WINK: I’m sorry, are you confused? What is confusing about this?
NORTH: What’s the signature dish…?
MAR: (overlapping, distressed) What was the jerky?
WINK: It’s just a very rich homemade jerky that I make.
NORTH: With what?
WINK: A little bit of this and a little bit of that.
MARS: You know what, I feel this is time for this. And Sylacrum raises up his hand and casts Zone of fucking Truth.
WINK: No, I need to save! This is too early!
MARS: You can save on it!
WINK: Metagaming pigeon noises! This is too early!
JAS: You can roll a save on it. What kind of save is it?
MARS: It is a…
MAR: Even if you don’t save, you don’t have to say anything. It cannot compel you to speak, you just cannot speak falsehoods.
JAS: Correct.
MARS: It’s a Charisma saving throw.
WINK: [LAUGHTER] Stupid whore!
JAS: Everyone roll at the table, you’re all in the Zone of Truth.
MARS: It’s a 60-foot range, it’s everyone in the tavern.
WINK: That’s a 23 to save.
NORTH: It’s minus one, so that’s a 16.
MAR: That would beat Sylacrum’s spell save DC, I’m pretty sure.
MARS: Mm-hmm.
JAS: Rowena had a nine.
WINK: I rolled a 23.
MERCER: Seventeen.
MAR: Cire rolled a 12.
MARS: It’s 8 plus proficiency plus Wisdom, right? And we’re at +2 proficiency, right?
JAS: Mm-hmm. So 10 plus wisdom.
MARS: Yeah, so that would be 13.
MERCER: (whispering) You should probably write your spell save DC in the spell save DC slot.
MARS: (whispering) I didn’t see that at the time on the character sheet.
WINK: [WHISPERS INAUDIBLY]
JAS: Sylacrum would be able to tell who passed and who failed.
WINK: (whispering) Damn.
MARS: However, if you pass it, the spell just doesn’t fucking affect you. You know I casted it.
WINK: I’m aware.
JAS: Yeah.
WINK: I just wasn’t sure if you would know that I saved.
NORTH: I don’t know how much would be up there, but can I cast Detect Thoughts?
JAS: [LAUGHING]
WINK: You can certainly try.
JAS: So Detect Thoughts automatically works to scan Hesperis’ surface thoughts, but if you want to probe deeper, then Hesperis would have to roll a Wisdom saving throw. Are you probing deeper? If you probe deeper, Hesperis will know that you have been in her brain.
NORTH: I feel like I would have… hmm… you know what, I’m not gonna probe deeper, I’m just gonna see what’s up there at this point. That’s a… what do I add to that?
JAS: You don’t have to roll anything.
NORTH: No?
JAS: No.
MAR: If you’re not probing deeper, you don’t - and you don’t have to roll anything anyway. If you probe deeper, Hesperis has to roll a save. But you don’t have to roll to cast the spell.
NORTH: Okay, I’m not gonna intrude on Hesperis’ space like that.
MAR: But remember to mark off your spell slot.
JAS: “I’m not gonna intrude on Hesperis’ space like that,” he says, after immediately casting Detect Thoughts.
NORTH: I mean, it’s like passing someone’s room and glancing in, and going in the room.
JAS: Okay, fair enough.
WINK: Do I need to describe…?
JAS: Yeah, what is Hesperis’ surface thought right now? Like surface thoughts.
WINK: This soup is very tasty. The stew is very tasty. And also she has very bare bones recipe in her head, it’s literally just “2 1/2 cups, 3 cups, 1 1/2 tablespoons.” That’s all of the recipe that is in her head.
NORTH: Okay… I’m kind of scared that Spring’s got like meat factories going on there, I don’t know…
JAS and WINK: [LAUGHTER]
WINK: Uhh… Can I go ahead and spoil just a little bit?
JAS: Yeah, go for it.
WINK: So, it’s not meat factories. I’ll tell you that. You don’t need to worry about meat factories.
NORTH: Is this gonna be like that episode of Teen Titans where they realize that they’re making tofu out of people or something? I don’t know if you guys remember that…
MAR: I’m sorry, what?!
JAS: I’m going to decline to comment.
MAR: Anyway. So, I guess my question is, you’ve separated the stew, are you just going to eat what’s in the bowl and not on the plate?
WINK: Well, the purpose of a plant is to grow big and beautiful…
MAR: Cire is going to give Hesperis a look of asking for permission, and then pull the vegetable plate toward her.
WINK: Go for it.
MAR: And add her vegetables to the plate.
MERCER: Caelum is going to pull this ancient thing of Tupperware out of his bag that he stole from his mother.
JAS: It is stained and crusty and the best piece of Tupperware that you own.
NORTH: It’s got the orange spaghetti stain.
MERCER: And just offer it.
MAR: And Cire is just going to eat the lamb and the broth.
JAS: Cool. A couple of vegan bitches up in here.
NORTH: Lesbians sharing vegetables.
MAR: Cire’s not vegan, she just feels guilty for eating the plant now that Hesperis explained this.
WINK: [TRIUMPHANT LAUGH]
MAR: By the way, Cire failed Zone of Truth.
JAS: Yeah, we’re all in Zone of Truth right now.
MARS: It lasts for ten fucking minutes.
JAS: And you hear one guy in the bar go, “I kinda like the ending of Lost.”
[EVERYONE LAUGHS]
NORTH: So, if you don’t fail…?
MAR: It doesn’t affect you.
NORTH: It doesn’t affect you at all. So you’re the only one at the table that it’s affecting.
MAR: Yes, so I’m not compelled to speak any truth if I don’t want to, but I am not capable of speaking a falsehood while I’m under the effect of the spell.
NORTH: Okay, okay. Is there a different version that does compel you to speak?
MAR: I don’t know.
JAS: No, I don’t think so.
MARS: I think if… I guess if you cast it at ninth level you can flavor it?
MAR: But that still doesn’t… mechanically that doesn’t make sense. You would need a different spell. Zone of Truth doesn’t have that effect.
JAS: You could do it on a Wish spell.
MAR: You could do it on a Wish spell.
NORTH: You could waste a Wish spell.
MAR: You could risk never being able to cast Wish again for something that stupid. Not til 17th level, though.
NORTH: I think we’re at like an hour and twenty minutes, and we have made it from the mountain to the tavern.
JAS: Yup. That is…
WINK: We have also eaten food.
NORTH: We have eaten.
MAR: We’ve had some very interesting conversations, worldbuilding-wise.
JAS: Yes. Hesperis is a vegan…
NORTH: In quotation marks.
JAS: Dot dot dot…
WINK: I’m sorry, what does a vegan mean to you?
NORTH: Well, vegans in winter don’t eat anything… [MARS: Except for plants.] Living, except for plants.
WINK: Plants are living.
NORTH: Any products… we don’t eat chickens, we don’t eat their eggs.
WINK: Are you vegan?
NORTH: I’m just meaning in Winter.
WINK: Ah, the royal we.
NORTH: [LAUGHING] So, only basically plants.
WINK: But if I am part plant, what would you expect a vegan to mean for me?
NORTH: I don’t know, love, it’s a bit of a cultural difference.
WINK: I suppose so.
MAR: It’s… I think we can leave this for now.
NORTH: The thought does scare me.
WINK: The thought? Of…
NORTH: Of what a vegan means in Spring.
WINK: Not Spring, Dryadfolk.
NORTH: In general.
WINK: Dryadfolk are plants… part plant, are they not?
NORTH: Well, yes…
WINK: So…
NORTH: Fair enough.
MAR: It’s something for us to think about. That’s all.
MARS: Well, we could always just…
WINK: It certainly is a paradox, is it not?
MAR: I suppose so.
NORTH: Are you trying to introduce paradox into a D&D campaign?
WINK: No.
JAS: (as Rowena) Isn’t that… well, paradox, that’s your whole thing, isn’t it?
MAR: Well, it’s Levion’s whole thing.
JAS: (as Rowena) Right. So therefore, your whole thing.
MAR: Therefore part of my thing.
JAS: (as Rowena) Right, yes…
WINK: What are the other parts of your thing? That sounded so sexual, I hated that.
[EVERYONE LAUGHS]
MAR: Well I can’t sit here and outline all of it.
NORTH: You could, we’ve avoided the plot this far.
[LAUGHTER]
MARS: This is a worldbuilding episode.
MAR: It is not one hundred percent of my personality to be a follower of Levion. There are other pieces of me. And that’s all she’s going to say.
WINK: Understandable. Have a nice day.
MAR: I will, thank you.
WINK: Will you? How do you know?
MAR: Cire’s still under the effect of Zone of Truth.
WINK: Okay so she will have a nice day.
MAR: She’s manifesting it.
[OVERLAPPING VOICES]
MARS: I think while all of this is going on, while everybody’s eating, Sylacrum leans over to Valus and goes, Professor, I have an idea.
NORTH: And what’s that?
MARS: Well, for all the underrun, from… you know… from what, because we all have our reasons. I say we take a field trip. I say we take a field trip to Spring. Because now I’m interested to see what that part of Citarya is like.
NORTH: Well, I agree, I am quite interested. But isn’t it a crime… is it a crime just to exit or enter Spring?
MARS: I don’t know; we have a guide.
WINK: A guide?
NORTH: Is it a crime to just enter or exit Spring?
WINK: Um, well, if you have the right passports, you can visit briefly…
MARS: How do you get a passport?
WINK: I’m not sure I’ve never had to; I was born in Spring. I’ve met people who were just briefly visiting, so as long as you have papers and passports to get in and out. If you were born in Spring or sent to Spring, you can’t leave it.
MAR: So it would be hard for us to get the proper passports to visit Spring since we’re traveling with you and you have left and are therefore a criminal.
WINK: Who has to know that you traveled with me?
MAR: I suppose that’s true.
WINK: Besides, I’m hardly recognizable.
NORTH: What do you mean by that?
WINK: I have changed a lot since I’ve left home.
NORTH: How long have you been away from home?
WINK: Week and a half?
NORTH: How much do you change?
WINK: Every season or so. [laughing]
NORTH: So metagaming wise, that means as you change seasons, you change appearance.
MAR & WINK: Yes
NORTH: I figured with the bronze skin in Autumn.
MARS: Hey just a genuine question. If Citarya is three times the size of Earth..
JAS: (cut in): Three times the diameter; the area is about the same.
MARS: Ok surface area is about the same.
NORTH: If you took Earth and just flattened it.
MARS: Alright.
MAR: Citarya is an Earth pancake.
JAS: Except for round and not like ovular. It is perfectly round.
MARS: But map wise, isn’t Spring across the continent from Autumn?
JAS: (singing) Lemme look
MARS: I kinda remember what exactly was across from what. Because-
JAS: (Overlapping) It is-
WINK: (Overlapping) Summer, Endless Day, Autumn, Winter, Endless Night, Spring
JAS: Mhm. Yes.
WINK: So Spring and Autumn are across from each other.
JAS: Yes, they are directly across from each other. That would be how that works.
WINK: So I would just pass straight through the center.
MARS: But you can’t though.
MERCER: (singing) The Inner Wheel exists.
MARS: The Inner Wheel exists but you can’t go straight through because of the Wasteland Forest-
MERCER: (overlapping) You can go around.
JAS: (as Rowena) The Wasteland Forest, you can’t go through that. It’s a wasteland.
WINK: YOU can’t go through it.
JAS: (as Rowena) Well no I’d die. [laughing]
NORTH: Hesperis says that a lot [laughing]
JAS: Plus I’d imagine that on one’s gone through it.
MAR: And on my third page of notes and we have done nothing. [laughing]
JAS: We’re getting lore…
WINK: (whispering) DM question
JAS: (whispering) yeah?
WINK: (whispering) Can Hesperis go through the Forest?
JAS: (whispering) No
JAS & WINK: [laughing]
MAR: Hesperis wasn’t affected by Zone of Truth so she might just be messing with us.
WINK: Oh no she’s fully fucking with you. She’s fully fucking with you and no she did end up having to go through the very inner corners of Summer and Endless Day and then she ended up in Autumn.
JAS: Like skirting through the Inner Wheel-
WINK: Like just on the outer border of the Forest. Metagaming a little bit because she’s not gonna tell you that. She’s like, you can’t pass through the Forest.
MAR: Right, I’m just reminding you that she can be blatantly lying to us.
WINK: She is.
NORTH: [LAUGHTER]
WINK: Well, she’s not lying to you. She says, you can’t pass through the forest.
MAR: That’s true. She’s implying falsehood.
WINK: But she is speaking the truth. Is Cire in love with her?
MAR: Are we being paradoxical?
WINK: Are we being paradoxical right now?
MARS: Damn, that We-Haul moves fast.
MAR: It’s W-Move, thank you very much.
MARS: I have no braincells left.
NORTH: Suddenly saying in the room across the hall.
MAR: Anyway, what time of day is it?
JAS: It’s like four in the morning.
WINK: Wait, deadass?
JAS: Yes!
WINK: How long were we up on the mountain?
JAS: It takes a while to climb down. Remember, it took like half a day to get up there?
WINK: Shit, you right.
MAR: Okay, so, I for one, [WINK: The tavern is open and serving food? Sorry.] am exhausted.
NORTH: I’m very tired.
MAR: The entire town was asleep until we started heading back down from the mountain, so they’re probably catching up on “what the heck just happened.”
WINK: Fair fair fair. Fair fair fair.
JAS: (as Rowena) And a lot of people have told me they’re not tired because they, you know, slept for a lot of hours.
MAR: Anyway, four in the morning is actually about my bedtime.
JAS: (as Rowena) Are you good? Oh, well, yeah you…
MAR: (hesitantly) Yeah, I trance. I generally trance from about four to eight in the morning.
WINK: (quietly) You are fascinating.
NORTH: Is this… is this gay? [LAUGHING]
WINK: I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to be allowed to flirt with my partner on the podcast. That is.. Hesperis is aggressively homosexual, purely so I can flirt with Mar. So yes. Yes it is gay.
NORTH: That’s the dream. Okay, Valus is ready to trance.
MAR: Yeah, so’s Cire.
NORTH: And be alone.
WINK: Valus trances?
MAR: Yes! Valus is an elf.
WINK: What the fuck?! How did I miss this?
MAR: You are a deeply unobservant person!
NORTH: Did you not see the fanart?
WINK: No!
MERCER: I sent it in the Discord!
JAS: Valus is an Avariel Elf, so a winged elf, which is technically -
NORTH: (overlapping) What did you think I was this whole time? Out of curiosity.
WINK: Just some fucked up little bird dude.
MARS: No, that’s what Sylacrum is!
WINK: No, I know Sylacrum’s a fucked up little bird dude, I just also… what is Caelum?
MERCER: I’m an aasimar.
WINK: Okay, I knew that. (quietly) What the fuck?
[LAUGHTER]
MAR: Anyway, is it long rest time?
JAS: It is long rest time! You all get your hit points and your spells back and the works, take a nap.
MAR: I am the only one in this room with an adult braincell, except maybe North.
WINK: You guys are getting braincells?
MAR: Actually yes! Yes I am.
JAS: I don’t even think I have the D&D braincell right now, which I usually do when I am DM-ing. So this going wonderfully.
MAR: (overlapping) It’s because I have it.
JAS: This is fair.
NORTH: I have two braincells, and they’re both…
MAR: How do regaining hit dice work? I know you don’t regain all of them every long rest.
JAS: Uhhhh… I believe you regain one of them every long rest or something like that? We check the notes.
NORTH: On a long rest, I have to use a hit die to recover what I lost, right?
MAR and JAS: No.
MAR: On a long rest you recover all of your hit points, on a short rest, you use hit dice.
NORTH: Oh, okay.
WINK: Long rest is like when the Percy Jackson fandom is yelling, “Let Percy fucking rest!” and Rick Riordan instead -
NORTH: Gives them a TV show. Teehee.
WINK: Yeah.
JAS: (reading) At the end of a long rest, a character regains all lost hit points. The character also regains spent hit die up to a number of dice equal to half the character’s total number of them.
MAR: Is it rounded up or down?
JAS: Minimum of one, it does not say, but I will go ahead and say round up.
MAR: Okay, so Cire gets two hit dice back.
JAS: Yeah.
MAR: Which is the number she has used.
JAS: Perfect.
MAR: Cool. And she gets her Divine Sense, her Lay on Hands, and her 1st level spell slots back. Which is tasty.
WINK: Oh yeah! Spell slots, LOL.
JAS: Yeah, grab your spell slots.
MAR: Also, Valus, you can change your prepared spells.
NORTH: Yup, that is exactly what I have done.
MARS: Ooh, I can too.
MAR: So can Cire, but she’s not going to.
MERCER: You guys have to prepare spells?
WINK: LOL, you guys have to prepare spells?
MAR: You guys have limits to how many spells you can know?
MARS: Oh, burn! Class burn.
NORTH: Just start a class war.
WINK: Can I Vicious Mockery Mar. Can I, as Wink, Vicious Mockery Mar?
MAR: You can certainly try, but you should know that I have like four hit points total, because I am… just a person. Anyway, we’ve done our long rest.
JAS: We have done our long rest!
MAR: It’s a new day!
JAS: It’s a new day.
MAR: These people are probably still asleep, Valus and I are probably awake earlier than them ‘cause it takes less time for us to sleep.
JAS: So, eight hours to get your full long rest benefits™, you have to take a full eight hours, from 4am, which puts us at…
MAR: To noon.
NORTH: To noon.
JAS: So around noon-ish.
WINK: This feels about right for Hesperis.
MAR: So, for the hours between 8 and noon, Cire is going to do an extended version of her rituals, because she did not get to properly do them the night before. That’s what she’s up to.
JAS: Okay, cool.
WINK: So, yeah, Hesperis is going to sleep for six hours and then spend the next two hours jamming along with her bass.
JAS: Nice, tasty.
NORTH: Valus is going to finish grading the papers he had from the previous evening.
MAR: Does that mean Cire could get the benefit of a long rest with three hours of trance and two hours of light activity?
JAS: Maybe, I’d have to look up the mechanics on that.
MAR: Okay, sorry.
JAS: I’d have to read into that.
MAR: Not- she’s gonna do a full four hours, I’m just curious.
JAS: But honestly, that’s a little bit too nitty-gritty on the rules for me. [MAR: Fair enough.] Like, I don’t care that must.
MAR: That’s fair.
JAS: That is a “we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it,” kind of rule.
WINK: Yeah, well you opened this can of worms, now lie in it.
MAR: Actually, I opened the can of worms.
WINK: So you lie in it. Lie in your worms, Mar.
JAS: I’ll make my bed and eat it too, thank you very much.
MAR: All right, can we have some plot, maybe? As a treat?
JAS: As a treat! So all of you are sitting - are you all hanging out together the next morning, or are we just…?
WINK: Yeah, Hesperis is just chilling down in the tavern.
[OVERLAPPING OTHER VOICES]
MAR: Cire would probably, around eleven, head down to the tavern and probably purchase some kind of breakfast meal if they’re still serving them, or lunch if they’re not, she doesn’t really care if she eats chicken and potatoes for breakfast; that’s fine.
JAS: You got a thought?
NORTH: Actually, a character question. I don’t know how much gold we agreed upon before the campaign Valus had?
JAS: Right, okay, so this…
MAR: The gold rules are weird.
JAS: This is a good opportunity to explain how money works. So actually, you don’t have gold, per se. Valus, you actually have two what we’re calling loot. And that is going to represent the money that you got from your research grant. Because I don’t care about the day to day economy. That gets too nitty-gritty, it just gets annoying, I don’t care that an ale is 2 copper pieces, or whatever the fuck. That is annoying to me, so instead, I assume that you have enough money - Wink is on the floor - instead I assume that you have enough money to do daily functions. Buy yourself a room at a tavern, eat a meal, that kind of stuff, right? But anything extra, beyond that, is going to cost you loot. So if you, say, do a dungeon - if I take you all through a dungeon, and y’all kill a bunch of goblins or whatever the fuck. Then you come into a room and there’s piles of gold, instead of me being like, “you get 800 gold pieces,” or whatever, I’m gonna say, “okay, you get 6 loot.” And that will be more the currency, and you will spend it as loot.
NORTH: What is the exchange rate for loot, is it just like “I use one loot.” Or like, two loot. Or is it like, “I use .47 loot on this.
JAS: Do not.
WINK: I have it in my notes somewhere, let me find it.
MAR: I know what it is. We decided that the exchange rate specifically for spell materials that cost money, is 100 gold pieces worth of spell materials in the spell description, is one loot. So if you want to cast Revivify, it takes 3 loot worth of materials.
JAS: So it’s a 100:1 ratio.
NORTH: Okay.
MARS: And I believe Jas and I also did talk about this, if for whatever reason - I’m gonna use Strahd, just as an example, - you loot Strahd’s fucking corpse, and you get some holy water and vampire blood - this is a hypothetical situation, just go with it - you’re able to identify loot as long as you’re asking if it could be something that would be within the realm, like if we looted a library for instance, I can’t find a goblin corpse or anything.
JAS: To put that in other words, in Waterdeep: Dragon Heist, there is a part where you find like eight paintings, and it tells you the sale value for these paintings. When we were playing it, one of the characters was dragging around paintings because they forgot to sell them, so they had like eight paintings. I don’t care about the selling part, we’re going to skip that and be like, “yeah, I’m gonna take the paintings,” but effectively you get however many loot they would be worth. Unless there’s something that you’re like, “Nah, I wanna keep this,” it will not then be converted to loot.
WINK: Like a dragon scale!
JAS: Like the dragon scale, exactly.
NORTH: Okay, that makes sense.
JAS: Tasty! All right, are we all hanging out in the tavern? Are we hanging out with each other, is that the vibe that’s happening? We’ve got a thumbs up from Wink.
MAR: I think so.
JAS: Tasty! I’m getting so many thumbs up. Cool, so y’all are hanging out in the tavern. And y’all are a weird bunch compared to the rest of the tavern. You see a lot, there is quite a few gnomes and halfings, and some humans mixed in, and then there is y’all, who are a weird bunch, to say the least. And you’re all having your breakfast, breakfast-y lunch, brunch, that’s the word for it. And while you are sitting there, the door to the tavern opens, and in steps this person. And they give the vibes of, you know in an old west movie, when the bad guy steps in and the floor creaks and everyone turns and looks? It’s giving very that.
WINK: [IMITATES TROMBONE]
JAS: So in walks this person, they’ve got a dark robe on, and it’s the middle of the day, so it’s giving very wearing sunglasses inside with the hood pulled up. And they walk in, and say, “I’m looking for those that stopped the slumber.
NORTH: I don’t wanna lose my hand or anything.
MERCER: Caelum is kind of - I would like it to be known that Caelum is in his ratty-ass Beavertown sweatshirt, and looks exhausted. He just turns and gives this guy the most deadpan stare, and then goes back to the massive thing of coffee he’s drinking.
JAS: And you see the person turns in y’all’s direction, and you see a glint under their hood, a flash of red. Where an eye is. And he walks on over, heavy tread, and he grabs a seat, pulls it around, and does the thing where he straddles it.
NORTH: Like where the back is at his front?
JAS: Yeah. Sits down, and brings a hand up, yes?
MAR: Can we tell what race, like human, elf…?
JAS: Not sure yet.
MAR: Okay.
MARS: Who’s he sitting across from?
JAS: He is sitting at the end of the table, nobody across from, directly. Y’all are sitting on either side of this table, and they sit at the end, and they sit down, and then they pull back their hood. And you see a man, you’d guess probably in his 40s, human, and he’s got black hair with streaks of silver starting to come through, and he’s got one big cybernetic eye. That’s red, and he looks up at the table, and he goes (as stranger), Howdy, y’all! I’ve got a job that might need to be done, and I hear that y’all might be able to help me with that.
[THEME MUSIC]
