Episode 6: Frenzy in the Farmyard Transcript
Transcript Note: Next in the Order’s episodes are hand-transcribed by members of the cast. If you find issues with accuracy, clarity, or formatting, please let us know and we’ll get it fixed as soon as we possibly can! You can contact us via Instagram or Twitter @nextintheorder.
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JAS: In the lush field, a terrified calf ducks for cover under his mother’s legs. She nudges him back, away from whatever that… thing is. The mother hides her baby’s eyes as another calf, one much bolder than her own, makes its way closer to the… well… whatever… that thing is. It sticks its hoof in the crack before the sound of crunching bones echoes through the pasture. This is Next in the Order.
[THEME MUSIC]
JAS: Hello one and all and welcome to another episode of Next in the Order! As per usual, I am your not-so-humble DM, and we got the table and we’re doing the things and, people whose pronouns change, what’s the flavor.
WINNIE: Today, actually, the name is Winnie, and the vibes are she/they.
JAS: Okay! And Mars, what’s the vibe?
MARS: [NOISE OF UNCERTAINTY]
JAS: [IMITATING NOISE OF UNCERTAINTY]
WINNIE: Fair.
MAR: Is that a “yes” [AFFIRMATIVE NOISE] or a “no” [DISSENTING NOISE]?
MARS: It’s a “fuck around and find out because I don’t fucking know.”
WINNIE: Fair.
JAS: Great!
MAR: Fair enough.
JAS: Fair. Fair. All right, couple of orders of business, before we get into that podcast, the story, the works. We did the leveling up! We’re all level four now! Wow! So, yay level four! But when we were looking at the character sheets to level up, we noticed some things that are, in Hesperis’ words, fucky-wucky. And so there are going to be some changes that occur because of that, like, hey, Aasimar aren’t supposed to be able to just fly whenever. Caelum’s still gonna keep his wings out all the time, but they’re not gonna be able to fly all the time, just… give that action some more validity, you know? You feel? Winnie, what’s up?
WINNIE: Some of my ability bonus are gonna change because I’m bad at math and I’m very sorry.
JAS: Such is life. Mar?
MAR: I just wanted to say that Caelum’s wings are going to stay out all the time because wings are sexy.
WINNIE and MERCER: Wings are sexy!
MERCER: And Caelum’s wings in specific are really pretty whenever we go into a new season, you’ll see why.
JAS: It’s so tasty.
WINNIE: UwU. I’m so sorry.
MARS: I believe the professor has something to say.
NORTH: This isn’t gonna affect my wings, is it? In any way shape or form?
JAS: No, because you’re just winged elf. You just get to keep those bitches out all the time. So you’re… of the winged bitches, you are the most winged. Congratulations.
NORTH: That one foot wingspan doesn’t mean anything anymore.
MERCER: Matters in height. I’m still taller than you.
NORTH: Well, okay.
MARS: Look, I would’ve had you in the wing thing, but, you know, the bird lost a chicken strip, all right?
NORTH: Fuck your chicken strips.
MERCER and WINNIE: Fuck your chicken strips!
MARS: And you’ll get to see why in this episode.
JAS: Anyway! Last episode, as Winnie just dies over there, I’ll let her… deal with that. So, anyway, last episode, we met a weird stranger in a tavern and he came forward and introduced himself as Henry, a human man with a cybernetic eye, an accent, and a gun.
WINNIE: God, sexy.
NORTH: And a DILF.
JAS: Yeah.
MAR: We love Henry!
JAS: I’m so glad we love Henry. Henry then asked you all if you would come check out… there’s this weird crack in his ground and it’s scaring his cows.
WINNIE: You want us to check out your crack?
MAR: I was gonna say crack as in what the cats smoke?
MARS: I just want to point out, and this is probably getting brought up in character later, we’re dumbasses. A strange man walked into a tavern, saw the weirdest group of people, and said, “hey, you wanna check out my crack?” in the middle of a field, and a two day walk from here, and we all just said, “Yeah, sure, let’s fucking do it.”
JAS: It was not a two day walk, it was a daylong walk, please and thank you, y’all just decided to camp out in the middle of the night because it was a weird starting time. Yes Wink?
WINNIE: I was just gonna say it’s just kind of on-brand for me because I would 100% follow a man to his car if he said he had a puppy.
NORTH: This just got dark.
MAR: You concern me.
WINNIE: Yeah, well…
JAS: Gay fear. All right, so you all made your journey and then we rolled really low on the random encounter die and so we got some dire wolves. Fought the dire wolves, naenaed the dire wolves, had some close calls in there, and then you all settled down to take a long rest.
MAR: I don’t remember if I said this when rolling hit dice, or for our level up? Cire, instead of taking an ability score increase, took the Resilient feat for Constitution, so now she has proficiency in Constitution saving throws and she now has gone from a +2 to a +3 in Constitution, and subsequently, has gained four more hit points, so she’s up to 47. Rather than 43.
WINNIE: Beefy elf.
MAR: Beefy elf.
JAS: So beefy.
[LAUGHTER]
WINNIE: Beefy beefy!
NORTH: This is just gonna keep getting added onto.
MAR: This is gonna get worse and worse.
MARS: Oh, my gods. Also, I left it out last episode, but I just did a straight up… what’s the fucking thing, level four?
JAS: Ability score increase?
MARS: Thank you! I forgot the word score.
JAS: Good.
MARS: Anyways, so now Sylacrum’s Wisdom has gone up by one and Strength, so we get a +4 bonus to that, folks.
JAS: Yeehaw, the bird can bonk.
MAR: The bird can bonk.
JAS: All right, now if we have no other mechanics-y things, we can start our long rest. Are y’all talking about things around the fire, we hanging out, or are we just staring at each other in silence?
MAR: I think as we’re settling in for the long rest, Cire is just gonna look at Valus and be like, all right, so as the other one who can trance, which one of us is taking the first watch?
NORTH: I’ll take first watch, don’t worry.
MAR: Okay.
NORTH: I’ve got some papers to grade, anyway.
MAR: Is there a reason you’re still grading papers?
NORTH: Well, I still care about my students.
MAR: But- okay. Fair enough, enjoy your grading.
JAS: Henry looks at you and goes, (as Henry) oh, you’re a teacher?
NORTH: Yes, I’m a professor for the enchantment school, over back in Winter.
JAS: What- [WINNIE: Nerd.] It’s not called the enchantment school.
MARS: It’s the Winter University of Technology.
JAS: I’m like, wait a damn minute.
NORTH: I’m in the enchantment portion of the school.
MAR: Is it like the College of Arts and Sciences at our university?
NORTH: Yes.
MAR: Okay.
JAS: Okay. So Henry says, (as Henry) Enchantment school? Where at?
NORTH: I don’t remember the name of the city in Winter.
JAS: It’s the Winter University of Technology.
NORTH: Okay, okay. I thought you meant like the city,
MARS: No, we didn’t - Shit, did we name the city?
MAR: [UNITELLIGIBLE WORDS OF CONFUSION AND DISTRESS]
JAS: (patiently) It’s the Winter University of Technology.
MARS: Yeah, ‘cause the acronym’s WUT. WUT, WUT.
MAR: Oh my God.
WINNIE: I have a mechanics question, I’m very sorry I didn’t notice this until I opened my notebook. I’m supposed to gain spell slots.
JAS: Yes.
WINNIE: How many?
JAS: Let’s…
MAR: Just hand Winnie the Player’s Handbook.
JAS: You gain… you have a four first level, one new second level, so you should have 3 second level spell slots. You get one more cantrip, you should have 3 cantrips and you get one more spell known. Here, look at the table, digest the content.
WINNIE: So I get another spell and another cantrip.
JAS: Yes.
WINNIE: Okay, and it doesn’t matter which level the spell is?
MAR: No, as long as you have slots for it, right?
JAS: Yep, as long as the spell exists in the realm of possibility for you.
MAR: I really just asked if that also applied to pal – paladins prepare spells! I really want to lay on the floor about it, but…
JAS: No, no laying on the floor.
MARS: Yeah, no, clerics and paladins can change their spells after every long rest. Which, like, eh, if you change it, maybe mention it, but also maybe not. It’ll be fun and funky.
JAS: Yeah, who knows. Anyway.
NORTH: Okay, I promise I’m gonna get it right this time. Winter University of Technology.
JAS: Yes.
MARS: What’s the name of the fucking city the university is in?
JAS: Uhhhhhh…
NORTH: That’s what I thought you meant by where.
JAS: Fantasy name generator….
[LAUGHTER]
MARS: Jas, I have a name idea if you wanna run with it.
JAS: Sure!
MARS: Fuck, what was it? It was actually something decent. Freefrost.
JAS: Freefrost?
MARS: Yeah. Mostly because, since it’s right next to a mountain, you kind of free fall off the mountain into the city.
JAS: Yeah, Freefrost it is, sure. I’ll take it. Cool, build that lore. Yeah, Freefrost.
NORTH: Are we done with the book? I just wanna make sure.
WINNIE: I can be very quiet with the book.
NORTH: Okay.
JAS: (as Henry) So, you’re a professor, where at?
NORTH: I teach at the Winter University of Technology in Freefrost, Winter.
JAS: (as Henry) Now, I’ve never been there. I’ve been to endless night once upon a time, but… (as DM) and he gestures to his cybernetic eye, (as Henry) but didn’t go into Winter, so that’s interesting.
NORTH: I teach magic and the effects on the brain. It’s a 304 course. I’ve actually got a short presentation with me if you’d like to listen.
JAS: (as Henry, hesitantly) I don’t see why not.
WINNIE: I don’t know about everyone else but I would love to listen.
NORTH: Hey, someone cut me off on this ‘cause I haven’t finished it yet.
WINNIE: I’ve got you.
NORTH: All right. Enchantment 304: Magic and the effects on the brain.
WINNIE: Okay, I’m bored.
MAR: Already?
WINNIE: I was told to cut you off.
NORTH: You could not have done it more beautifully. [LAUGHING] I’m gonna leave it at that. Save the presentation for a different time.
JAS: (as Henry) All right?
MAR: I kind of get the sense that you get bored easily, Hesperis.
WINNIE: No, I was just - the professor asked me to cut him off because he was not prepared. So I cut him off. He did not tell me when.
JAS: I thought that was out of character!
NORTH: It was out of character.
JAS: Anyway.
MAR: Long rest?
JAS: You all take your long rest.
MARS: I did want to kind of do something flavorful before all this.
JAS: Absolutely.
MARS: I think while all of that conversation is going on Sylacrum just started taking off his wing and from his backpack kind of took out a hammock, and starts stringing it between 2 trees and kind of lays his mechanical wing on the underside of that hammock.
JAS: Cool, yeah setting up camp.
MAR: That’s spicy, actually.
MARS: It’s also flavorful.
JAS: Oh yeah, the wing is like stretched out underneath it and you can kind of see some of the intricacies underneath the wing, the clockwork gears and the mismatch of colors in there.
MARS: And if you pay close attention enough to it, you can kind of see like the feathers quote unquote and actually some mechanical feathers dropping down, but there’s also small tools kind of inlaid between the feathers as well. And those are Sylacrum’s smithing tools, actually. So they’re kept on his wing underneath a thin layer of metal feathers. And you kind of see after he finishes that up, he kind of sits cross legged on the ground and starts fiddling with his crossbow and lance, just taking tools from his wing, adjusting things and such.
JAS: Talk about built-in storage.
MAR: Fun fact about Cire’s equipment and stuff, she doesn’t have a bedroll, ‘cause she doesn’t sleep. She’s literally just vibing, cross-legged on the ground.
JAS: Great. Does Cire do her little rituals?
MAR: Yes, Cire always does her little rituals before a long rest.
JAS: Excellent. So you all watch Cire kind of just flit around, doing a few different things, some moments of meditation, and lighting some incense, and yeah. Doing little rituals.
MERCER: I feel like at this point, Caelum has settled into his normal nightly routine, because he spends a lot of his nights outside. So he has found the closest tree that the trunk is large enough that his back would not be sticking out from different parts of the trunk, and he has pushed his bedroll up against it, just a little bit. And he has his wings wrapped around him, kind of making a little dome, and he’s finger weaving.
JAS: Tasty.
MAR: So I would imagine, with agreement from North, i would imagine when Cire comes out of her trance, Valus would then go into his.
NORTH: Yeah, absolutely.
MAR: And then that would give everyone else eight hours to rest.
JAS: Tasty.
NORTH: I wish I could just trance.
MAR: Right?
WINNIE: Wait, you mean you don’t stare at wall for four hours and dissociate?
NORTH: I go into Skyrim waiting mode sometimes.
MAR: No, I do stare at a wall for four hours and dissociate, I just don’t get the same benefits as eight hours of sleep. Which is the tragic part.
NORTH: You guys are getting benefits?
MERCER: You guys are getting eight hours of sleep?
MAR: Also no.
MARS: You guys are getting sleep?
WINNIE: I got fifteen hours of sleep last night.
NORTH: I love that for you.
MAR: Anyway, what happens in the morning?
JAS: I was just gonna say, if sleep is for the weak then I am very, very, weak.
MAR: Retweet.
JAS: In the morning, you all see, Valus, you’re obviously the first one up because you’ve done your watch… no, Cire did the second watch. So, Cire, you are up, just watching over the morning. The night passes uneventfully, the woods are quiet, you hear little birds chirping in the morning, just, hello, good morning. You hear little birds chirping in the morning, it’s very lovely. Henry gets up a little bit before everyone else does, and starts pulling out some things in his bag to make breakfast. Gets some lil chopped potatoes and a little bit of bacon. And like, how he carried that on the road is a good fucking question but… He puts it all together, and as each of you get up, he turns and says (as Henry) Oh good, y’all are finally awake.
MAR: I’ve been awake for four hours!
JAS: (as Henry) Well, yeah, honey. But the rest of y’all- I wasn’t talkin’ about you! Thank you for keepin’ watch, by the way.
MAR: Mhm!
MARS: You hear from Sylacrum’s hammock, and he’s facing the opposite direction too, so it’s really muffled, and he just says, [GROANS] (in a weird accent that is not actually Sylacrum’s voice) Fuck off. It’s not even noon yet- That’s not Sylacrum’s voice. What the fuck was that?
MAR: It’s Sylacrum’s morning voice.
JAS: [LAUGHS] Sylacrum goes slightly Southern in the mornings.
MARS: (in Sylacrum’s actual voice) Fuck off. It’s too early for this shit.
JAS: (as Henry) It’s bright. It’s 8 in the morning. I don’t know what you mean by “too early for this shit.”
MARS: It’s prime naptime.
JAS: Naptime? Is he okay?
MAR: I would assume not.
JAS: All right, well…
NORTH: He doesn’t sleep much.
JAS: Yeah, I take it. Geez.
MAR: Anyway, um, is there anything anyone needs to do before we break camp?
MERCER: I don’t think so!
MARS: Well, I do need that battery back, Hes.
WINNIE: Oh, sure! Sorry. And she hands it to him.
MARS: And you see Sylacrum- and he hasn’t put his wing on yet- but you hear a little [HISS! POP!] and see him reach underneath his shirt and pop it back.
MERCER: (laughing) My spine does the same thing!
[LAUGHTER FROM THE TABLE]
MARS: He just slides that battery back into his back.
NORTH: Wait, he just pulls batteries out of his back?
MARS: Mayhaps he does, mayhaps he doesn’t. The bird has many questions and many answers.
JAS: It goes under their shirt!
MARS: And that’s all y’all see!
JAS: That’s all y’all see, so!
NORTH: Take your shirt off.
MAR: Can I roll a luck check to see if Cire happens to have a second energy drink in her pack?
JAS: It’s a long shot, but go for it!
MAR: I would like to find out.
JAS: Roll it at disadvantage.
MAR: Disadvantage! Okay!
NORTH: I’d actually really like to know what the DC is on this.
[DICE NOISES]
JAS: The DC is vibes.
MAR: That’s a 13!
JAS: 13… Nah. You do have one of those little 5-hour energy shot things.
MAR: I just throw it at Sylacrum’s hammock and try and get it in the hammock.
JAS: Great! (through laughter) Roll an attack roll, see if you get it in the hammock.
MAR: Okay!
JAS: Because why not?
MAR: Well…. This is gonna be a Dexterity-based one too isn’t it?
JAS: Yeah.
MAR: That’s a ten.
JAS: It just hits the side of the hammock, and thunks against it.
MAR: Okay, I will go over to the hammock, pick it up, and drop it in the hammock.
JAS: Great.
MARS: Are you dropping it straight onto Sylacrum?
MAR: Yes.
MARS: ‘Kay. It lands on his good wing, ‘cause he’s got it tucked over himself and he’s laying down in the hammock on his right side.
MAR: Okay! You have an energy drink. Or, like, a 5-Hour Energy thing.
MARS: What is an hour?
JAS: (distressed) You know what an hour is!
MAR: Is it a long rest in a shot?
NORTH: You have classes! How do you not know what hours are?
WINNIE: Also, you slipped into the Hesperis voice there.
MARS: What the fuck is going on with my— Okay, I’m just gonna take a step back and find Sylacrum’s voice real quick.
JAS: Find it. Get there. Um, you know what an hour is though, I should clarify.
MARS: That was a joke.
JAS: Good.
WINNIE: Okay, but fucking with people is my job.
MARS: Well…
MAR: Also, Jas, is it canonically now a Long Rest in a Shot?
JAS: No?
MERCER: Is it a Short Rest in a Shot?
JAS: Uh, yes. I will give it a short rest in a shot. But like, y’all wouldn’t have the terms long and short rest. However, that is effectively what it does. But it would give you disadvantage on things, on certain things.
MAR: If you try to replace resting with that?
JAS: Yes.
MERCER: Is it just four-hour energy?
JAS: Actually, no. It is 5-Hour energy, it is a short rest in a shot. You use it, you can take a short rest, but you gain a level of exhaustion after it wears off. So, you get to roll a d4 to see how long it keeps you goin’.
MAR: Alright, there’s a weird energy shot in your inventory now, have fun with that.
MARS: I’m calling it half-a-day-disaster-drink, so…
JAS: Half-a-Day-Disaster-Drink. That checks out!
MAR: Actually, no, that’s the canonical name of it now.
JAS: Good branding, calling your own drink a disaster drink. Anyway!
MAR: It’s honest.
WINK: Okay, but if I saw “Half-a-Day-Disaster-Drink” at Walmart, right now, I would buy it.
JAS: I would too, but I’m not really allowed to talk, I’m drinking Monster right now.
NORTH: I’m really jealous y’all have large Monsters right now.
JAS: The best Monster - Monster Ultra Sunrise. Not sponsored, but God, I wish I was. All right, so you all break camp, we have a disaster drink in Sylacrum’s possession now, and you all break camp and continue on your walk back to Henry’s place. Yes?
MAR: I would like it to be known that Cire was surprised to find that in her bag.
JAS: Fair.
MARS: Jas, Sylacrum puts on his splint armor.
JAS: Splint armor, okay.
MARS: He goes behind a tree to do it.
JAS: So that means no wing, correct?
MARS: It means with the wing, but with the little flavor thing we talked about.
JAS: Yes, yes. Okay, cool, tasty. Yes.
NORTH: Is it sprint or splint?
JAS: Splint.
MARS: Essentially, the way we have it flavored, it’s Kevlar, like everybody else pronounces it… I said it wrong again, didn’t I?
JAS: No, Kevlar is correct.
MARS: It sounds wrong, saying it that way. It’s essentially Kevlar armor, that - it’s not full Kevlar, just big ass vest, and then it’s more strips of Kevlar, so it’s a strip of Kevlar going down his chest, which is where the splint comes in, down his arms, down his legs, so it essentially… it sounds like a bundle of coins getting rolled across the ground.
NORTH: How can you move?
MAR: Mechanically, how does splint armor work?
MARS: So, splint armor, you have to have a high-ass Strength.
JAS: It’s effectively a heavy armor.
MAR: Okay!
JAS: But it doesn’t make sense for somebody who is from Winter, on the edge of Endless Night to be walking around in full plate armor.
MAR: Right.
JAS: Like, that image is not there, and especially with Sylacrum, with Sylacrum’s wing, it doesn’t really make a lot of sense to have the heavy-ass armor, and so instead we have this Kevlar, essentially.
NORTH: Does that affect your movement speed or length?
JAS: It doesn’t affect movement speed - it does in water, but that’s not something that we’re dealing with right now. But it does affect stealth.
MARS: So whenever I have it on, I have a 17 AC, straight up, but I have disadvantage on every stealth check. Which doesn’t really work when I have proficiency in stealth as an Owlin, which is where the two armors thing comes in.
MAR: Hey, disadvantage of stealth because of armor buddies! I wear chain mail.
MARS: Also, beefy elf and beefy owl buddies.
MAR: Hell yeah.
NORTH: I need to get Valus armor.
MAR: Valus isn’t proficient in armor.
NORTH: Wait, so he can’t have any?
MAR: Nope.
MARS: I mean…
MERCER: You can have Mage Armor.
NORTH: Oh. [JAS: Which is a spell.] Great.
MAR: Can a wizard train with armor and become proficient in it?
JAS: Yes, there is a feat for that.
NORTH: Can I have a training arc?
MAR: A training montage.
JAS: Training montage, it’s just Valus getting swole.
MAR: Next ability score increase is Strength because Valus got swole.
MARS: It’s just Sylacrum and Cire taking Valus to a fucking Planet Fitness.
MAR: Why Planet Fitness?
MARS: It’s the first thing that popped into my head, damnit.
WINNIE: I feel like it would be, like, Planar Fitness, though. Are there canonically other planets in this plane? Oh, wait, yes, yes there are, never mind!
JAS: Yes, there are.
MAR: Are they also flat?
JAS: Some of them are. Some of them aren’t.
MERCER: How does that look in a sky?
JAS: Weird as shit.
WINNIE: You know in like, Barbie movies and stuff, how they have the little stars that are just a little vertical streak of light?
JAS: Yes.
WINNIE: That’s what they look like.
JAS: Correct.
MERCER: Sexy.
MAR: Are we traveling now?
JAS: Yes, traveling, you do you day’s travels, we’re going to fast track and… what did you say? That was crosstalk in the highest degree.
WINNIE: I was singing the travel song from Shrek the Musical.
JAS: Okay, anyway! You’re traveling along, normal day of travels, nothing weird going on, easy money. You make your way to Henry’s farm and you start to see the land clears out, and you just see miles and miles of farmland, as you’re walking along. A lot of different crops going on, past some cotton fields and some fields of corn and Wink is still laughing. Winnie, are you good?
WINNIE: I’m on the verge of a psychotic break.
[LAUGHTER]
JAS: Winnie, my love… they’re not okay.
NORTH: Corn fields.
JAS: Farm fields, farm fields. You walk and you see a bunch of these farm fields and you’re walking through these for probably another two hours of just… farm.
MAR: Just fields. Like going through Ohio.
WINNIE: Dirt farm.
JAS: Yes.
MARS: I was gonna say Idaho, but Ohio works too.
WINNIE: Idaho?
MARS: Look, Ohio’s not real, we have to name a real place.
WINNIE: No, it’s Wyoming that’s not real.
MAR: No, Ohio and Wyoming aren’t real, get it right.
MARS: We’re gonna get so many…
WINNIE: No, the thing is, Wyoming isn’t real, Ohio is liminal space.
JAS: Ohio is the feeling you get when you go into a movie at like four in the afternoon, and you come out and it’s late and it’s like dark, and it’s weird. That’s Ohio.
MAR: You know what isn’t real? Vermont.
WINNIE: Vermont is so fake!
MAR: It’s not a real place!
JAS: Okay, cool.
MAR: Anyway, what do we see when we get to the field?
JAS: Anyway! So you are walking along the fields, it’s normal, whatever, and then I need perception checks.
WINNIE: I swear, we thought that Hesperis was gonna get the most fanart and fanfiction, but I think it’s gonna be Valus. Valus is gonna get some horny-ass fanfiction. Perception, you said?
JAS: Yes, perception.
WINNIE: We’re just gonna call that a no.
JAS: It’s a no from Hesperis.
NORTH: Sixteen.
JAS: Sixteen for Valus.
MAR: Twenty-one.
JAS: Twenty-one.
MERCER: Thirteen.
JAS: Thirteen.
MARS: The inverse of Cire, a 12.
JAS: All right, Cire. You are walking along, keep an eye out, just looking around and something catches your eye. It’s kind of far off, you see… it looks purplish, light, coming out of the ground in the middle of one of these fields. It kind of looks like a black light, almost, but it’s just in the middle of one of these fields, and there are cattle in this field that are giving it a wide berth, right?
WINNIE: I think you’re overestimating the intelligence of cows. Cows are incredibly curious creatures.
JAS: I am aware. They are giving it a wide berth.
WINNIE: Okay, cool.
MAR: Does it seem like they are giving it a wide berth out of a sense of caution or… can I tell if they’ve been magically frightened away from it?
JAS: Hmm. Hmm, roll an insight check. Insight check these cows.
MAR: That’s a natural sixteen but what is my… that’s a nineteen.
JAS: On a nineteen, they look frightened. It is not out of a sense of caution, they look frightened.
MAR: Like magically frightened? Like they have the frightened condition?
JAS: That could be a possibility. It would probably require some closer looking at this point. ‘Cause you’re kind of looking from afar at this.
MAR: Is that your field?
JAS: (as Henry) Yeah, it is.
MAR: I mean, they’re frightened, they’re not just… something’s causing them to be scared.
JAS: (as Henry) Yeah, it mighty looks like it, don’t it?
MAR: Should we get closer and see if we can figure out more about it? Maybe see if it’s magical?
MARS: Well, we did come all this way.
NORTH: Would I have to get closer to do an arcana check?
JAS: At this point, y’all are still far away, but you could get closer and do an arcana check, after y’all get there.
NORTH: Okay, I’m gonna do that. Whenever we get…
JAS: Let’s go ahead and y’all make your way downtown, walking fast. You can go ahead and make an arcana check.
MARS: Can we do advantage on that? Since Sylacrum would probably help with that?
NORTH: I don’t think it’s gonna matter since it’s a 23.
JAS: A 23. Roll again, just to see if you get a natural 20.
NORTH: That’s five.
JAS: Nope, okay. Cool, 23. As you start to approach, you aren’t… this is kind of a little bit further away, you’re not right up on top of it yet, so you can see what Henry was talking about, this crack in the ground, like there’s this massive, jagged crack in the ground, I would say… I say massive, it’s probably about six feet long in total. So not that big, but it is big for a crack in the ground, right? And it’s emitting this purple light, again, kind of looks like a black light. And with a 23 arcana check, you can tell A) it is magically frightening these cows. There is something magically frightening, and if you get closer, you would have to be able to overcome this magic, this magical scaring off. You know? So something is making this fear effect. 2) Looking at it, this purple light. First off, you’re sitting there, and you pause for a moment, and you feel the vibrations in the ground. It’s this magical energy and it is strong. Very strong. Like you have not encountered something like this, strong. You’re not sure what it is yet, right? But something this powerful, that’s causing this much fear? Could be something you are very interested in.
NORTH: Okay, and I’m obviously the only one that knows this right now, right?
JAS: Yes, but Sylacrum did help, so i’m actually going to give Sylacrum a little bit of insight as well, ‘cause Sylacrum was pointing things out, that’s how that helping would’ve gone. So, this purple light, you’re like “I’m not sure about this” but the thrumming of it, it’s very rhythmic, very… it pulses, it comes in waves. You’re looking at it, and actually, will you go ahead and roll me your own arcana check?
MARS: Yeah, I gotcha.
JAS: Just to see.
[DICE ROLLING]
MARS: That’s a dirty 20.
JAS: A dirty twenty, okay. So this could be a number of things, right? This could be an item with some kind of magical effect, this could be residual energy from the Fracture, this could be… there is a number of things it could be at this point. Really, you can’t get much more without having to make that save to get closer to it.
NORTH: What kind of save?
JAS: It would be a Wisdom saving throw. But you would get advantage because you are an elf and you have advantage against being charmed or frightened.
MAR: I think it’s just charmed for elves, I don’t think it includes advantage against being frightened. Are you going to tell the rest of us this?
NORTH: I just wanted to let the DM finish.
JAS: Let me double check that, but I think you might be right. I don’t know.
MAR: I play elves a lot.
JAS: You do play elves a lot.
MAR: Elves and half-elves, who both have the fey ancestry trait.
JAS: Ah, yeah. Sure enough, yup, saving throws against being charmed. Cool. I was thinking of something else, then.
WINNIE: And you explain this to the rest of the party?
NORTH: Mm-hmm. Valus is gonna look around at the rest of the party members, and he’s gonna say, I’m not entirely sure what it is, but I don’t think it’s something we should get close to yet, without a little bit better of an understanding.
MAR: Do you have any sense of why we shouldn’t get closer? Like what would happen?
NORTH: It’s radiating some kind of fear.
MAR: Do you think the same thing would happen to us as the cows?
NORTH: More than likely, yes.
MAR: Okay. I have a spell. It makes a person that I touch immune to being frightened. Do you want to try?
NORTH: Please.
WINNIE: I have a question. Okay, question for the DM real quick. What kind of fields are we in?
JAS: They are cow fields. Like, right now, these are… they are meat cattle.
WINNIE: Okay, so it’s a cow farm, you’re gonna find cows outside.
JAS: Yeah, there’s a cow farm, you’re gonna find cows outside.
MARS: It’s a cow farm, you’re gonna find cows outside.
WINNIE: I could try to talk to the cows. I’m giving you a heads up so you can think of a cow name before we get there. I could try to talk to the cows and see if they could tell us anything.
NORTH: I think that’d be very helpful.
MAR: Maybe do that before my thing, because my spell only lasts for a minute.
WINNIE: Jas, do you have your cow voice ready?
JAS: I have cow name, we’ll get the cow voice.
WINNIE: So, Hesperis is going to use her innate casting ability to cast Speak With Animals today. Um hello - she’s going to go up to… this is a terrible idea in real life, I am not condoning this approach in real life. Hesperis is going to approach a mother cow. Disclaimer: Never do this in real life if you are not used to being around cows.
JAS: I have been chased by a mother cow, can confirm.
WINNIE: Hesperis is going to go up to a mother cow, and she’s walking very slowly, making it clear that she’s not a threat. And she’s going to speak to this cow and say, hello, can you tell us anything about this weird glow, and the crack in the ground?
JAS: (as the cow) Oh, sugar, you scared me!
WINNIE: I’m very sorry.
JAS: (as the cow) It’s all good. Well, honey, it just… it came up like a week ago and I… well, I don’t even want to go near that thing. It just scares the living daylights out of me.
WINNIE: Do you know why it scares you?
JAS: (as the cow) I don’t know, I just… it just… it’s weird looking and in the middle of my field, and I don’t want my baby going anywhere near that.
WINNIE: Okay, so I’m going to turn to the rest of the party and I’m going to say, my friend here - what is your name?
JAS: (as the cow) My name’s Maurice, lovebug.
WINNIE: Maurice?
JAS: Yes.
WINNIE: My friend here, Maurice, says the crack showed up about a week ago, and that she does not know why it’s scary, but it is very scary, they do not want to go anywhere near it. Are there any other questions I should ask her? Or that you want me to ask her.
NORTH: Oh, man, I’ve never really thought about questions I’d ask cows.
[LAUGHTER]
MARS: What does grass taste like?
WINNIE: My Owlin friend wants to know what grass tastes like.
JAS: (as Maurice) Well, honey, grass tastes like… it tastes a lot like it smells, you know? After it rains and you get that crisp grass smell?
WINNIE: Yes, I…
JAS: (as Maurice) It tastes almost exactly like that, just in your mouth.
WINNIE: Okay.
JAS: (as Maurice) I will say, though, the second time you do it, not as good. The third time, it’s even worse, but you gotta keep chewing, you know? You just keep chewing.
WINNIE: Just keep chewing, I got it. So it tastes like the smell of grass after the rain. But in your mouth, and also it’s worse the second timw you chew it. And even worse the third. Because, if you did not know, cows have four stomachs.
MARS: What?
WINNIE: Cows have four stomachs. And they [RETCHING NOISE]
[LAUGHTER]
MARS: We were doing so good, damn it!
WINNIE: I’m sorry! I couldn’t keep a straight face.
MARS: Jas, are there cows in Winter?
JAS: Yes!
MAR: (mockingly) Are there cows in modern day Earth?
MARS: I don’t know.
MAR: (distressed) Yes!
WINNIE: Homeslice.
MAR: Jas, I think my Intelligence has been reduced to 0.
JAS: I would agree.
MARS: Ah yes, my plan is going into effect.
JAS: You have to have at least a three though to do human speech, so clearly we’re not that low yet, but we’re making it.
MAR: [SCREECHES]
JAS: We were talking about cows throwing up what they eat.
WINNIE: Yes, cows have four stomachs, and they have to regurgitate and chew it again, and digest it all four times. So that they can get all the nutrients they need out of it. I mean, if you only ate grass, you would need as much nutrients as you possibly could get out of it.
MARS: Well, that is fair.
WINNIE: I am surprised you do not have scurvy.
MARS: I eat other things besides apples.
JAS: Maurice chimes in, she takes a bite and kind of chews it for a second, and she goes (as Maurice) you know what? Now that you mention it, the grass always did taste weird right around there.
WINNIE: Okay, so the grass tasted weird around the crack. m
JAS: (as Maurice) Yeah!
MAR: Even before it appeared?
WINNIE: Even before it appeared? Also, in canon, is Hesperis speaking Common and the cow is understanding her, or…?
JAS: Yes.
WINNIE: Is Hesperis mooing at this cow?
JAS: Hesperis is speaking Common. And the cow can understand it.
WINNIE: Can Hesperis be mooing at this cow?
JAS: If you would like to have Hesperis be mooing at this cow, I…
WINNIE: Hesperis is fully mooing at this cow.
JAS: Okay, great.
NORTH: Does this mean that when you were talking to the plant, you just kind of stood there and stared at it?
MARS: I was imagining kind of that one Squidward meme dance where it’s just him shaking his arms to the side, just squiggly-doo.
WINNIE: If Hesperis talks to a bee, she’s gotta do the little booty-wiggle dance, right?
JAS: Yes, I guess? That is how dryadfolk… I should clarify, that is only applicable for Dryadfolk communicating with plants and animals. It is not applicable for anyone else.
WINNIE: So the grass tastes weird around the crack? And that’s Hesperis relaying it to her compadres.
JAS: (as Maurice) Yeah, I mean, it just had like a… you know, no I can’t even describe it. I was gonna describe it, but I don’t even have words for it, I don’t think.
WINNIE: Do you have moos for it?
JAS: (as Maurice) Well, it tasted like… just the grass, normal grass, it tasted like… have you ever eaten a dandelion?
WINNIE: Yes.
JAS: (as Maurice) Okay, you know how dandelion stems are just a little bit bitter?
WINNIE: Yes.
JAS: (as Maurice) It was like that. But like… in the highest degree, just real bitter, real chewy. It always took a little bit extra time to really work it out - I didn’t eat there as much, but some people liked it more.
WINNIE: (distantly) Those cows are weird.
JAS: (as Maurice) Those cows are weird. And they always thought themselves better for liking it straight, I don’t understand… but I just. I didn’t ever eat there much. I avoided it because it was always so bitter.
WINNIE: Okay… a moment? And so Hesperis turns to her party mates, and she goes, my friend Maurice says that the grass is very bitter, and tough and chewy around the crack. I don’t know if this is helpful information to you.
NORTH: Could you ask your cow friend, did the feeling she gets from being around it, is it like a general sense of unease, or is it like a terror.
WINNIE: Moooooo!
[JAS LAUGHS]
JAS: (as Maurice) I mean, it kinda makes me wanna be sick, you know? Like when you’re so stressed out, and like, I’m standing here, and I’m good, but if I took like one step closer to it, it would be that sense of nausea, that, you know? It’s just… I don’t like it. It makes me upset.
MARS: I’m assuming Hesperis relays that information to us?
WINNIE: Yes.
MAR: For the purposes of transcripting later, how do you spell the cow’s name?
JAS: M-A-U-R-I-C-E. Maurice.
MARS: So exactly how you spell it from fucking Madagascar, got it.
JAS: Didn’t think about it in that terms, my brain just said Moo-rice.
NORTH: Mort got us in a fucking car wreck.
MARS: And I can no longer move it move it.
MAR: How long until we get a cease and desist letter from a major media company?
NORTH: I was thinking that right after the Planet Fitness…
JAS: Considering Griffin McElroy had a whole jingle of Fantasy Costco, and it was a major plot point, was having Fantasy Costco… I really… I don’t think so.
NORTH: Good.
JAS: We should fall under parody.
MAR: So, with what we know now, do you think it’s a good idea to try and get closer to see what you can find out? Maybe you can cast that spell you did when you were trying to figure out what happened in Aurora.
NORTH: Okay, it doesn’t seem like it would cause much physical harm if something went wrong, so I can’t see it being that bad of an idea. I’d want to get closer before casting it.
MAR: Famous last words. Anyway, so Cire’s going to touch Valus on the shoulder, and cast Heroism, which, “a willing creature you touch is imbued with bravery. Until the spell ends, the creature is immune to being frightened and gains temporary hit points equal to your spellcasting ability modifier at the start of each of its turns. When the spell ends, the target loses any remaining temporary hit points from this spell.” So I would think, probably mechanically for this use of the spell, it’s not worth keeping track of the temporary hit points?
JAS: Psst! It’s worth keeping track of the temporary hit points.
MAR: Is it? Okay, fair enough, I’ll give you that. So, you get a minute. So, you get… hold on. The DM says it’s worth keeping track of, so let’s… do that.
NORTH: How are we going to keep track of a minute in game.
MAR: I am going to keep track of how many turns I have been concentrating on the spell. And I will concentrate for ten turns.
NORTH: Okay.
MAR: So, Cire is going to cast Heroism on Valus. You are immune to being frightened, and you are going to gain three temporary hit points for now. And that is one round that I have been concentrating.
NORTH: Now, wasting no time, I am going to, not walk up to it, but I am going to kind of hover with my wings.
JAS: Okay, yeah.
NORTH: And I am going to cast Detect Magic.
JAS: Cool. Roll a spellcasting check.
MERCER: I am going to follow Valus out there, and cast Detect Good and Evil.
JAS: Okay, I’m going to need you to read me what Detect Good and Evil does.
MERCER: I just got this, so where are the Cleric Spells™?
JAS: This is a monk ability, correct?
MERCER: This is a monk ability.
JAS: Excellent. I will need you to roll, though.
MERCER: Yes. Detect Good and Evil, for the duration, you know if there is an aberration, celestial, elemental, fey, fiend, or undead within 30 feet of you, as well as where the creature is located. Similarly, you know if there is a place or object within 30 feet of you that has been magically consecrated or desecrated. The spell can penetrate most barriers but is blocked by 1 foot of stone, 1 inch of common metal, a thin sheet of lead, or three feet of wood or dirt.
JAS: Cool. We’re gonna come back to that. What did you roll?
NORTH: I rolled a sixteen.
JAS: Sixteen? Okay, did you add your?
NORTH: Yeah.
JAS: Okay, cool.
JAS: Cool, on a sixteen, you detect magic, and this… whatever this is in incredibly magical. You get that there is enchantment magic, there is also conjuration, and there is also evocation. So all three of those schools are coming from whatever this is. And you can also pinpoint it a little bit better, it is directly in the middle of this crack. There is something there that is spurting out through the crack. Does that make sense, it is dispersing via the crack.
NORTH: And if there are listeners that don’t know the three classes of magic?
JAS: Yes. So the different schools of magic. Enchantment is Valus’ specialty, and it is anything that effects the mind. So in this case, you would be able to discern easily enough that there is enchantment that is causing these cows to be scared of it. So that is easy money. There is conjuration, which is pulling something from somewhere else. Teleportation-esque, or “here is something, like an elemental I summoned.” Then there is evocation, which is creating something out of nothing. So there is some kind of magic that might be creating something. So there is magic here, from those three schools. What?
MAR: I’m gonna mark a second round. For the spells.
JAS: Yes.
NORTH: How many rounds is it?
MAR: I have ten.
JAS: Caelum, before you cast that, I’m going to need a Wisdom saving throw because you are not immune to being frightened.
MERCER: I am not immune to being frightened. 22.
JAS: You’re fine. You feel that sense of unease come over you for just a second, and then you’re like [BUZZER NOISE] I’m good. And then I also need you to roll 2 things. I need you to roll a Wisdom check, to see how well you do this, and I’m going to need you to roll Wild Magic.
[DICE ROLLING]
MERCER: What’s my DC? For the Wild Magic?
JAS: I believe you’re at a 2 right now. So on a nat one or 2.
MERCER: Come on… well. Okay. The Wild Magic doesn’t happen. Wisdom check is 15.
JAS: Fifteen. All right, this thing has bad vibes. Like, you knew that, right? But the… this is certainly not in the natural order. Certainly not. Your monk training has taught you, this is the opposite of natural order. There is some celestial magic here, there is some aberration magic. And there is fiendish energy. But it is so overwhelming that it is hard to pinpoint. This thing is a monstrosity, and it is hard to pinpoint what it is.
NORTH: I wanna try something. Can I take one of my excess pencils out of my pouch and drop it in?
JAS: Yeah. Okay, yeah.
MARS: Can I do something before that happens? Can I cast the spell Find Traps?
MERCER: That’s a spell?
MARS: It is. It’s a casting time of an action, duration is instant. Pretty much, I don’t know the exact location of a trap, it’s a range of 120 feet, all I know is the general vague direction, like north south east west whatever, there’s a trap in that direction.
JAS: Cool. You cast that, and nothing registers as a trap. There is not something that has been intentionally set up here to fuck with somebody. That is not something you find here. Valus, you look like you had a thought.
NORTH: No, never mind. I had a question, but I made sense of it in my head.
JAS: Okay. Cool, so you drop the pencil, and make an Intelligence check.
NORTH: Please.. okay… it’s a sixteen.
JAS: Sixteen? Cool.
NORTH: The pencil screams out in terror.
JAS: Right. No, the pencil falls slower than it should. Like everything falls at the same rate, right? Gravity, all that.
NORTH: Depending on air resistance, yes.
JAS: Well, yes, but it falls slower.
NORTH: Does it fall slower and slower the closer it gets, or is it once it gets close it slows down and maintains that speed?
JAS: It falls slower and slower the closer it gets. And it almost hovers for a second before falling in. It makes, as it falls into the crack it makes a weird noise, and it’s one that Sylacrum is very familiar with. I apologize for the mental image I’m about to give everyone, but it sounds like metal grinding on metal. That squeaking…
MARS: This is me being a blacksmith nerd: like metal raking against one another or like sliding past, like a door?
JAS: Sliding past in the way that it gives that [IMITATES METAL SOUND].
MARS: Like rust breaking off?
JAS: Yeah. Bad noise, like kind of a gear grinding type, y’know?
NORTH: Not something Hesperis should stick her face in.
JAS: No.
MAR: Like something is deeply wrong with your car?
JAS: Yes, the noise that your breaks make when you go, “Oh, fuck”
NORTH: Okay, I think I’m going to… I don’t want to get any closer to this thing, I think I’m gonna go back to everyone at this point, I don’t notice that spell wearing off.
MARS: Does Sylacrum hear that sound?
JAS: Yeah, you all heard it. It was loud.
MARS: What was that pencil made of?
NORTH: It’s your standard #2. Wood.
MARS: I’m going to regret this, aren’t I? And Sylacrum is gonna cast Enhance Ability. So, Enhance Ability, it’s a second level transmutation, and they have six different choices: Bear’s Endurance, Bull Strength, Cat’s Grace, Eagle’s Splendor, Fox’s Cunning, or Owl’s Wisdom. We’re staying on brand here, and I’m gonna do Owl’s Wisdom. It’s concentration, up to an hour, takes an action to cast, and the target has advantage on Wisdom checks.
JAS: Cool.
MARS: And as Sylacrum casts it, you see their wing kind of flares up a little bit, and one of the mechanical feathers falls down, and Sylacrum plucks it, places it around his neck, and you kind of see the metal… not liquefy, but kind of Venom-esque change into the symbol of an owl.
JAS: Tasty.
MARS: And then Sylacrum’s gonna try and walk towards the big ass motherfucking hole.
JAS: Make a Wisdom saving throw.
NORTH: When you say put it around your neck, do you have something you’re attaching that feather to, or are you just sitting it there?
MARS: Like magnetic thunk on the Kevlar.
MAR: Let me make sure I’m understanding this correctly, you cast it on yourself?
MARS: Yes. And it’s a range of touch, which as long as Jas is cool with it, I’m assuming.
JAS: Yes. Yes.
MAR: You can touch your head.
JAS: You can in fact… I was gonna say touch yourself, but…
MARS: Bit too early for that one. It’s a Wisdom saving throw, right?
JAS: Wisdom saving throw.
MARS: That’s gonna be a 24.
JAS: A 24, yeah, you’re Gucci. Like I described with Caelum, you feel that moment of nausea and unease come over you, and then you’re like “Nah.”
MAR: How many rounds do we have on concentration right now?
JAS: Go ahead and mark another round.
MAR: You should have nine temporary hit points right now.
NORTH: Oh, it keeps adding?
MAR: Yeah. You get temporary hit points at the start of every turn.
JAS: Damn!
MAR: You get… here. “And gains temporary hit points equal to your spellcasting ability modifier at the start of each of its turns.”
JAS: Damn!
MAR: Now, when the spell ends, the target loses any remaining temporary hit points from the spell.
JAS: Right. Cool. Dope. Didn’t know it did that.
MAR: Heroism’s kind of underrated.
JAS: Hey, wait a minute. So you walk up to this thing, are you just walking up to it? What are you doing?
MARS: Sylacrum’s gonna walk up to it and then kind of with that thing owls do, when they stretch out their neck, kind of peer over, like stare directly down into it. I do wanna preface this, as Sylacrum walks up, and I’m saying this because I feel like it’s gonna bite me in the ass if I don’t, they kind of pop their hood up, and that same faceplate they had the night before, they attach, clip it onto the hood so the hood stays in, and then peers down.
JAS: Cool. I need somebody to roll an insight check. Anybody who wants to.
MAR: Just one person?
JAS: Mm-hmm.
NORTH: Nine.
JAS: Nine.
MERCER: Fifteen.
JAS: Fifteen, so Caelum, you’re looking at Sylacrum and Sylacrum looks enthralled by whatever this is, right? Like Sylacrum is staring at it for an uncomfortable… like a beat. Go ahead and mark another round. Of just Sylacrum staring at this. And all of you see as Sylacrum’s head… it almost looks like when you take of your glasses in a 3D movie and it kind of has that doubled effect? That’s what Sylacrum’s head looks like. It kind of doubles up side-by-side in this fuzzy way, and then it kind of congeals back. What’s up?
NORTH: I’m gonna let you finish, and then we’ll see what happens.
JAS: Okay.
MERCER: I’d like it to be known that my spell is still going. It goes for up to ten minutes.
JAS: Cool. You feel pressure building on that spell. Sylacrum, make a Wisdom check with advantage.
MARS: You said a Wisdom check?
JAS: Yeah.
MARS: Gotcha, that’s gonna be an 18.
JAS: With an 18 check, you know what this is. Your heart, I think, stops for a moment as you look at what this is. You see, it is a round thing that’s emitting this light, you can only see one side of it. It is sitting flat, half-buried in dirt, but you can see the middle of it. It is round, it is hollow, it is a flat circle with six spokes pointing out of it. On the inside of this circle, you have to squint to see through this glow, because it’s still emitting this black light-esque glow. You see this texture of… it almost looks like teeth of a key. That kind of jagged edge where you slot something into it. You see that’s on the inside of this circle, and on the inside of each of the spokes. and you can’t see all of the spokes, ‘cause they’re still buried. And you know what this is. Because you’ve been looking at diagrams of this. You’ve been studying diagrams of this. This is a fragment of a Fissure Core. The Fissure Core. And you’re looking at it, and Caelum, you feel this pressure build. And it’s building, and it’s building, and it’s building. And you see Sylacrum’s head almost splitting in two in this way of the 3D glasses, and it’s shaking and vibrating, and then coming back together, and splitting apart, and then you see one of the cows. Not Maurice, you see one of the cows shakes its head, and then starts walking towards this thing, and then it fully sprouts a second head. Not in the shaky way that Sylacrum has, it just fully has a second head. And then a snake head comes out of this, and then that second head transforms into a lion’s head. And it shakes and the cow’s head, where the original cow was, turns into a dragon head. And I need all of you to roll for initiative.
[THEME MUSIC]
JAS: Hey guys! It’s Jas, as per the usual, and I’m here to do some ads for you guys. We are so sorry about not posting last week, but alas, ye olde college life does not stop for a D&D podcast, though I sure do wish it would. Are you hungry? Have you been staring at your empty fridge, knowing that you need to get groceries, but not wanting to make the trek to the grocery store? Well, save yourself the trip because Instacart can deliver those groceries directly to your door in as little as an hour. Get the products you love, from the stores you love, all from the comfort of your own home. Literally, from your sofa, order those groceries, at yo’ fingertips. Right now you can use our link to get free delivery on your first order over $35, and if you’ve seen how high gas prices are right now, oh Lord, that’s basically a discount. Use the link in the episode description or go to instacart.oloiyb.net/nextintheorder. That is instacart.oloiyb.net/nextintheorder.
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JAS: Last but certainly not least, head over to Patreon.com/nextintheorder to support the show! You can see some exclusive content, hang out with the cast and other fans of the show in the Patrons-only Discord sever, and maybe even have some influence on some future episodes of the show? Intrigue. That’s patreon.com/nextintheorder. That’s all from me this week, enjoy the rest of the episode, and don’t forget to hug your local cow! Bye-bye!
[THEME MUSIC]
MAR: Do I also, I think Cire probably would have come up to the crack, too. I need to roll a Wisdom save, right?
JAS: Yes.
NORTH: Ooh, baby! That’s that it’s all about!
WINNIE: Hesperis is still standing next to Maurice.
MAR: That’s a nineteen. And do I need to mark a fifth round for concentration?
JAS: Yes.
MERCER: I also have a nineteen.
JAS: Okay, what is your Dexterity? It’s gonna be higher.
MAR: No, no, that was my Wisdom save.
JAS: Your Wisdom save was a nineteen.
MAR: I haven’t rolled initiative yet.
JAS: Okay, tasty. Yeah, you succeed on a nineteen.
NORTH: Is there any way you get a bonus to initiative?
MAR: It’s your Dexterity modifier.
NORTH: It doesn’t matter, it’s a nat 20.
JAS: Nat 20! So I’m rewarding nat 20’s in initiative by giving you an extra action. So you get two actions, and because you’re a spellcaster, it would be shitty to say, “You get two actions, and you can’t do two spells.” You can do two spells.
MARS: How about nat 1’s?
JAS: You get nae-nae’d. You’re just at the bottom of the order.
MAR: I rolled an 8.
JAS: Okay, an 8, Sylacrum’s got the nat 1.
MARS: It’s a three if that matters. Don’t think it does, but…
WINNIE: Hesperis has a thirteen.
JAS: Okay. All right, top of the order is Valus, and you get two attacks.
NORTH: Okay, I’ve got questions before I… in terms of placement, I have obviously moved away from the crack, kind of to the outer edge. Where is everyone? There are a lot of people everywhere.
JAS: Let’s do the big thing. So the crack itself is probably about six feet long, right? Then around that, so in this elliptical shape, bringing back that word, elliptical, ovular, whatever. There is a 30-foot-wide berth around it, so it’s pretty far. If you are outside, you’re going to have to use all of your movement to get inside the area. Any time you enter the area for the first time, you have to make a Wisdom saving throw. So, you are either outside the berth - so if you have made a Wisdom saving throw, and entered, then you are inside that 30-foot range. So you said, Valus, you said that you left that area?
NORTH: Yeah, to the outer edge of the… thirty feet… sorry, I’m giving myself an…
JAS: No, you are all Gucci.
NORTH: Okay, okay, okay, does that mean I could cast something at a second level and that be one action, or?
JAS: Any spell you cast has a casting time, and so any leveled spell is going to be one action, most of the time. Level two spells, you can cast a level 2 spell as your action, normally.
NORTH: What if I cast a… what level can I cast spells at now?
JAS: Up to level 2.
NORTH: Level 2. Okay, so I am, first off, Valus is going to see this happen and is going to be shocked. But he knows this is not something that is going to be good. This is not something they should fuck around and find out about. Going to cast Witch Bolt at second level, my first action. Which, I roll a d20 now, right? [JAS: Mm-hmm.] That’s a… ooh baby! That’s a 21.
JAS: Twenty one to hit, yeah.
NORTH: So that’s gonna be what, 2d12 now? Because it’s at second level?
JAS: If you’re casting it at second level, 2d12, yes.
NORTH: Nice. That is 9 and 5, that’s something.
MERCER: Fourteen.
NORTH: Fourteen. Fourteen for the first, and then I’m going to also cast Ray of Sickness.
JAS: Okay. I need to do a Constitution saving throw, right?
NORTH: Correct.
JAS: Yee-haw.
NORTH: If it fails, you are poisoned until the end of its next turn.
JAS: No. No, it’s not.
NORTH: What? Is there no casting?
MAR: It’s a saving throw, so you don’t roll yours, Jas rolls a save.
NORTH: Oh, okay.
JAS: But that was a sixteen.
NORTH: That means what?
MAR: It’ll save against your…
NORTH: What’s the… is that where my spell DC comes in?
MERCER: Yes.
JAS: Right? Or am I lying about Ray of Sickness?
MAR: No, you make a ranged spell attack, on a hit the target takes 2d8 poison damage and must make a Constitution save.
JAS: I lied to you!
NORTH: Well, I rolled a 23.
JAS: 23 to hit, so it hits, so it’ll still take the damage.
MAR: But it won’t be poisoned.
JAS: It won’t be poisoned.
NORTH: 2d8. 4 and 8, that’s 12. We’re doing rogue damage.
JAS: Yeah, you’re doing good damage. Any bonus actions or?
NORTH: None that I can think of.
JAS: Okay, cool. Tasty. All right, that is Valus’ turn. Caelum, it is your turn.
MERCER: How far, relatively, is this thing from us?
JAS: It is about 15 feet.
MERCER: Cool. I’m gonna whack it with my quarterstaff.
JAS: Cool, getting into melee range and whacking it with your quarterstaff.
MERCER: Yup.
NORTH: Did you ever take that dagger off?
MERCER: Yes.
NORTH: Okay.
MERCER: There is not still a dagger on the top of my quarterstaff. Uh, no.
JAS: [SAD NOISE]
MERCER: God damn it, Caelum.
JAS: All right, [SAD NOISE]. It is the Chimera’s turn.
NORTH: Uh-oh.
JAS: Yeah, uh-oh. Okay, I am rolling a d6. On a 5 or a 6, this thing can do something nasty. But if it doesn’t roll a 5 or a 6, then it will do something else.
NORTH: Okay, then just don’t roll that.
JAS: Exactly, but I’m rolling it in front of the table.
WINNIE: That’s a 3.
MAR: Good.
JAS: It is not going to do something nasty.
MAR: Well, it’s going to do something nasty, it’s just not going to do something nastier.
JAS: Yes, correct. Cool, it is going to… its snake mouth is going to reach out and try and bite at Caelum.
MAR: Can I use my reaction to give disadvantage to the hit?
JAS: Yeah, you can do that. Uh, no. No, that’s a ten.
MERCER: Yeah, no.
NORTH: It would’ve hit me!
JAS: Jesus Christ, that’s a 3 on the dice, so…
MERCER: Thank you for letting us know its bonus.
MAR: No, I am incorrect. My divine evasion imposes a 10-point reduction to the roll.
JAS: Well originally, my first roll was a 5.
NORTH: So, negative 5.
JAS: So negative 5 + 7.
MAR: Okay.
WINNIE: Does a 2 hit?
JAS: Does a 2 hit.
MAR: Yes. So I have lied to you, that is… the reaction to impose disadvantage is [UNINTELLIGIBLE]
JAS: Got it. Yeah, I’m guessing a 2 does not hit.
MERCER: No.
JAS: But, you know, it is going to whip its tail, which has now turned draconic in nature, around at you as well, because you are the one close. Sorry about it. That is a sixteen to hit.
MERCER: No!
JAS: (impressed) No, tasty!
NORTH: How many attacks does this thing get?
JAS: It gets three. This round. And it is also going to claw at you.
MERCER: Okay!
JAS: ‘Cause its hooves have now turned into lion paws, because sure!
MERCER: Sexy.
JAS: That is going to be a 19 to hit.
MERCER: That does hit.
JAS: Thank fuck. That’s going to do 11 slashing damage.
MERCER: Okay! Ow!
NORTH: Oh, have we been marking turns for…?
MAR: Yes. So, we have marked 5 turns, at the top of my turn, it’s going to become six turns. And then at the top of your turn, you get temporary hit points. So right now, you should have 15 temporary hit points.
NORTH: I almost have as many hit points as you.
JAS: All right, it is Hesperis’ turn now in the order.
WINNIE: So Hesperis is going to cast a cantrip, Blade Ward, on herself. Which, she extends her hand and traces a sigil of warding in the air, until the end of her next turn she has resistance against bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage dealt by weapon attacks. Do animal attacks count as weapon attacks? Like biting?
JAS: They do.
WINNIE: Okay, then yeah, she’s gonna do that.
JAS: Tasty. Is that her whole turn?
WINNIE: I think that’s all that she can do.
JAS: Okay, she could award Bardic Inspiration to somebody if she wants, that’s a bonus action.
WINNIE: We’ll do Bardic Inspiration to Sylacrum.
JAS: Yeah. All right.
NORTH: I think he needs it.
MARS: Deep fried chicken strips.
WINNIE: (whispering) How does Bardic Inspiration work again?
JAS: Basically, you don’t have to do anything, you just mark off Bardic Inspiration, because you get a certain amount. “You can inspire others through stirring words or music. To do so, use a bonus action on your turn to choose one creature within 60 feet of you who can hear you. That creature gains 1 Bardic Inspiration die, a d6 at this point. Once within the next ten minutes, the creature can roll the die and add the number rolled to one ability check, attack roll, or saving throw it makes. The creature can wait until after it rolls the d20 before deciding to use their bardic inspiration die, but must decide before the DM says whether the roll succeeds or fails. Once the Bardic Inspiration die is rolled, it is lost. A creature can only have one Bardic Inspiration die at a time. You may use this feature a number of times equal to your Charisma modifier. And you regain them on a short rest, or… on a long rest, sorry.
WINNIE: Okay.
JAS: So, you can do it up to four times. Cool. Tasty. All right, you get Bardic Inspiration. Cool, it is Cire’s turn in the order.
MAR: Okay, so, at the top of my turn, I mark off another concentration. And I am once again going to be the mechanics bitch, and ask if I can flank with Caelum.
JAS: You absolutely can flank with Caelum.
MAR: Okay, cool.
NORTH: Side note, how many hit points should I have?
MAR: You should still have fifteen temporary hit points, you gain three more on each of your turns while I’m still concentrating.
NORTH: Okay.
MAR: Surprising exactly no one, Cire would like to bonk.
JAS: Bonk away.
MAR: That’s a 9, I don’t think that’s gonna hit.
JAS: No, definitely not.
MERCER: Mar, me. Not bonk.
MAR: Not bonk. And in that case, I will… no I will not, because I’m already concentrating on a spell. That is my turn.
JAS: Cool. Next up I get to roll a d4. That’s what’s happening next.
NORTH: What for?
JAS: You’ll find out.
NORTH: I don’t like mystery when it comes to damage.
JAS: It’s not damage.
NORTH: Oh, okay.
JAS: It’s worse! You watch as another cow… the entire table just facepalmed… as another cow walks forward. And it’s shaking its head wildly and almost bucking back and forth and then its body flattens, it almost is like this cow just liquefied.
WINNIE: Ew.
JAS: And then it comes together and congeals up into this kind of ooze shape, and it is rolling initiative. Okay, it is now in the order.
WINNIE: Wait, wait, wait is this… is it a mooze?
JAS: I hate that.
MAR: It’s okay if it’s a mystery and a surprise tool that’ll help us later, but where in the initiative is it?
JAS: It it is towards the top of the initiative, [MAR: God damn it!] but I’m not going to tell you exactly where.
NORTH: Just for atmospheric purposes, did this cow make any sound, or is it just kind of like [IMITATES CONGEALING]
JAS: It kind of lets out this moo of terror.
WINNIE: Oh okay, so the cow is not into this, got it.
JAS: I need it to - this is for the people at the table. If you have seen the video of the trumpet playing into Jell-O, it makes a noise that sounds distinctly like the video of the trumpet playing into Jell-O.
MAR: I will send Mercer a link to the video of the trumpet playing into Jell-O so that they can share it with the rest of the world.
JAS: Sylacrum, it’s your turn.
MARS: You know what? I’m going to do something stupid. Can I reach down and try to pull up the Fissure Core?
JAS: Make a Strength check and a Wisdom saving throw.
MARS: A Strength check and a Wisdom saving throw?
NORTH: This is not going to go well.
WINNIE: (desperately) You have bardic inspiration!
JAS: You can do that after you roll to see if you want to add it.
MARS: Okay.
MERCER: I feel like one of those is more important than the other.
WINNIE: Is Bardic Inspiration gonna help you or are you doomed?
MAR: What happened?
MARS: Actually, it might. It might. Okay, so you said a strength check?
JAS: Uh-huh.
MARS: Okay, strength check is an 18.
JAS: Cool, you grab it and you now have it glowing in your hands
MARS: Okay, and a wisdom saving, throw, right? So right now, we are at a nine. Oh no. Oh no. That’s a… that’s a 10.
JAS: Okay, well, first off, I need everyone to note I’m going to describe what everyone sees. Okay, you all see what I mentioned earlier. It looks like a cartoon sun. It is round. So Sylacrum’s hand fits around like… I think Sylacrum grabbed 2 of the spokes and pulled from there, right? So, you see it is round. It is a circular thing with these six spokes sticking out of it, looks like a cartoon sun almost, but with these six spokes, and if you look on the inside of the spokes - if you look a little bit closer, it’s harder to see from far away, but you can see like the teeth of a key along it. And one side, you can see now, it actually has this duality to it, right? One side, the side that was facing up, so, the side that is closest to Sylacrum has this bright purple – like, it’s not bright, it is… it looks like a black light. It’s giving this eerie glow to it, and there’s something almost sinister about it, but then the other side gives this warm light. It’s this golden light on the other side, so one side is this black, light purplish and the other is this warm golden light. Sylacrum, you are now stunned. So that means that you are - you cannot make any actions. You can’t talk at this moment. You are just stuck there. You can’t move, you automatically fail strength and Dexterity saving throws, and all attacks against you have advantage. So, you pull this thing out and you feel your mind just melt and you see… You’re looking at it, and this is a thing that you’ve been looking for, right? It starts… your brain starts to melt. Something in you realizes that if you hold this thing and keep looking at it for much longer, you won’t have any brain at all.
[THEME MUSIC]
