Episode 8: The Fissure’s Fate Transcript
Transcript Note: Next in the Order’s episodes are hand-transcribed by members of the cast. If you find issues with accuracy, clarity, or formatting, please let us know and we’ll get it fixed as soon as we possibly can! You can contact us via Instagram or Twitter @nextintheorder.
A PDF version of this transcript can be found here!
JAS: Pulled from the farmyard, the fragment lies still. It lays dormant, and somewhere, across the world, the news traveled quickly. Too quickly. A twisted grin spreads out across his face. This is Next In The Order.
[THEME MUSIC]
JAS: Hello one and all and welcome back to another episode of Next In the Order! I am your not-so-humble DM Jas, and people who change pronouns, what are we vibing with today?
WINK: Today my name is Pants.
MAR, JAS, and MARS: No!
JAS: I will commit an act of transphobia today, and say no.
WINK: Okay, fine. Today my name is Wink, and my pronouns are they and them and nothing else. Fight me.
JAS: Okay. I will, actually. Let’s take it outside. All right, what are the vibes?
MARS: I am using he/they? They/he?
WINK: Zesty!
MAR: Zesty! I forgot I said I was gonna say that.
JAS: Indeed, zesty.
MAR: I just want some simple zest for life.
WINK: You know what else is zesty? Your mom.
NORTH: (mockingly) You know what else is zesty?
MAR: (interrupting) I play D&D twice a week with a child.
MARS: So now we’ve established you can do a Shaggy voice, you’ve been holding out on a Muscle Man voice this whole time?
NORTH: I’m holding out on a lot of things.
JAS: We just need to have a compilation of North’s impressions.
WINK: Patreon content.
MAR: Patreon content.
JAS: All right, where we last left off, we had some moos of terror, we fought a mooze, indeed. We fought a chimoora.
WINK: Cow-mera.
JAS: Cowmera is better. Cowmera is much better.
MAR: All right, who’s gonna end up under the table first?
JAS: Me, I didn’t get therapy this week. Anyway. So we fought a mooze, we fought a cow-mura, cow-mera, that’s how you pronounce things. And then we saw… Sylacrum stuck a hand into the ground, almost lost their brain, as one does, but didn’t!
MARS: Deep-fried chicken, y’all.
JAS: And attuned to a Fissure Core Fragment. We made some bitchin’ cornbread, yes, with Henry and Wayne.
NORTH: (quietly) Hesperis kissed the cook.
JAS: Hesperis did in fact kiss the cook. It was very good.
WINK: Not like on the mouth.
NORTH: Little peck. Little smooch on the cheek.
JAS: Little smooch.
MAR: Get smooched!
WINK: Voilà, he is smooched.
JAS: Now y’all sound like you’re talking to Cordelia, my cat. Anyway, and that is where we left off.
MARS: Ah-ah-ah, au contraire, God, you have forgotten a thing. Because some of us are moving this plot forward.
JAS: I actually was gonna get there, bitch. See, Valus casts an Identify spell.
MARS: Nope. Valus doesn’t have Identify.
JAS: Oh, Sylacrum cast Identify, I am just boo boo the fool.
MARS: You are. That’s why I take notes.
NORTH: I didn’t take Identify when I leveled up. I forgot.
JAS: Well, we have somebody in the party with Identify, so it’s fine. I say, concerned.
WINK: I have a question.
JAS: I have an answer.
WINK: This is like a mechanics question. If somebody else has a spell prepared, can another caster who has access to that spell on their spell list, use the preparations for that spell.
JAS: No, because they prepare in different ways. Because Sylacrum would get… Sylacrum gets his spells by praying to Oathar, being like “give me my spells”.
WINK: The Lord.
JAS: Not the Lord. Oathar is not The Lord.
MAR: Oathar is not the Lord, Levion is not the Lord.
JAS: None of them are! Get your Jesus allegories out of my good Christian D&D game.
MAR: This is the opposite of good and Christian.
JAS: Correct.
NORTH: Cool, since I don’t have Identify, could Sylacrum teach it to me and I roll at disadvantage for it.
JAS: Yes, but it does take an hour per spell level to learn it. So you can take that time. They’re making cornbread, do whatever the fuck you want.
MAR: How much does it cost to learn a spell for a wizard? It costs material components, doesn’t it?
JAS: Yes, but I don’t care.
MAR: Fair enough!
WINK: Economy, in this economy?
JAS: Economy, in this economy? No. Okay, Identify spell. You cast Identify. What does Identify feel like for Sylacrum? Give me some flavor. How does it work? Does Sylacrum just have the knowledge imparted directly into his brain? Does Sylacrum find it somewhere?
MARS: So I have a question for you, do you want me to flavor it, and give a little bit of some things away, or would you rather me…
JAS: Give me the fucking flavor.
MARS: Okay Gordon Ramsey.
MAR: Take us to Flavortown.
JAS: Take! Us! To! Flavor! Town!
WINK: Damn, it’s really too bad that I swapped out my laces on my boots from the flame ones to the accessible ones.
MARS: So, when Sylacrum places his hand on the… in the crater, to cast Identify, since Caelum’s asleep, they wouldn’t notice this. Valus sees all of this happen. As soon as Sylacrum touches the ground, his prosthetic wing starts to glow slightly orange, as if being warmed by a lantern. And Sylacrum’s right eye turns green. And it kind of seems like Sylacrum’s almost scanning the area where his hand is to see what’s beneath that. And you also hear a little tick, tick, tick sound, almost like clockwork gears working.
WINK: Can you literally hear the gears turning in Sylacrum’s head?
MARS: Not in his head, but close enough.
NORTH: A little smoke coming out of his ears.
JAS: And then a mechanical voice reads off essentially what’s happening to you. Are you doing it on the crack in the ground?
MARS: Well, yeah, ‘cause remember you said there’s a crack in the ground and then kind of stone that felt really old, and that’s what I was trying to Identify.
JAS: Cool. So, looking at the stone.
NORTH: Can only Sylacrum hear this?
JAS: Yes, only Sylacrum. It goes straight into Sylacrum’s brain, pretty much.
MARS: Like Bluetooth.
JAS: Yeah. This sedimentary rock has been housing a Fissure Core Fragment for the last… calculating… seven hundred and one years.
MARS: What? What do you mean seven hundred and one? Sylacrum is saying all of this out loud, just FYI.
JAS: Yes, the rock shows that the Fissure Core Fragment has been here for seven hundred and one years.
MARS: That makes… what else can you tell me about it?
JAS: I can tell you more about the Fragment if you’d like.
MARS: Fucking… Oathar’s support hotline. God damn it. Never mind. Thank you for your help.
JAS: Any time.
MARS: Thank you for using Oathar’s support line.
NORTH: What year are we on in Citarya right now?
JAS: It is 703 A.F. 703 years after the Fracture.
NORTH: Damn, Henry locked up on some land, I guess.
MARS: What the fuck?
NORTH: Valus has been standing there watching this this whole time, and he’s gonna stare at Sylacrum for a little bit, mouth slightly agape. Before looking at him, just… what was that?
MARS: Well, Oathar’s support hotline. Since Endless Night has been more tech-friendly and prosperous, for the last, I don’t know, six hundred and fifty years, they’ve gotten a little bit swamped. So instead of actually talking to Oathar, you talk to one of Oathar’s assistants, who is worse than a telemarketer and about as helpful as a frog.
NORTH: I wouldn’t know that was Identify, would I?
JAS: No, you would probably know, you’d probably be familiar.
NORTH: So I would know that he tried to Identify something.
JAS: Yeah.
NORTH: Okay. So, what exactly did it tell you?
MARS: Well, some things I thought were right, something I didn’t think was right.
NORTH: Could you be a bit more specific?
MARS: Well, I thought that this is what caused the Fracture, originally, But, as you know the stories, warlock caused the Fracture, and then the world was Fractured, yadda yadda yadda, a bunch of other shit happened, but if that was the case, this would be where V died, because V was who knew where this thing is. But there’s a two year time difference between the Fracture and where this thing lies.
NORTH: So what you’re saying is you think this is a piece of what originally caused the Fracture.
MARS: Well, yes. And potentially could reverse it. In theory. Or it could make it like ten times worse. I don’t fucking know.
NORTH: Reverse the Fracture? That sounds a bit dangerous.
MARS: Well, all science is dangerous.
NORTH: Not all of it, my friend. Not all of it. This is a bit into the wonky side of science.
MARS: Well, it is dark science for sure, but what I don’t understand is, what was this thing doing for two years before the center of it ended up in Henry’s fucking farm?
NORTH: It’s not exactly as if we can just ask him, now is it?
MARS: Well, I don’t think Henry has anything to do with this, because this bitch is old.
NORTH: I think it was around a bit before his time, so I’d like to think he didn’t have anything to do with it, but…
MARS: Professor, you’re getting up there in your age, this was before your time.
NORTH: I’m well aware of that, my friend. If you’d like, I’d really like to help you look into this, it’s very interesting.
MARS: Well, you’re more than welcome. But, frankly, I really don’t know how else to figure out how this thing works, without either A) talking to the guy who made it, and as far as stories go, nobody knows where his body is, where his soul is, where any of his notes are, and the only other way I can discover anything about this is…
NORTH: (quietly) Is use it.
MARS: Yeah. But I can’t use it like this. And Sylacrum’s gonna pull out the frame of the fracture core, but here is the thing. There are either eight or nine pieces to this. Psst, Jas! I forgot how many pieces there are.
JAS: Frame, core, the six seasons, so we’re up to eight, and then the outer ring.
MARS: Nine. Okay, well it is nine. There’s either eight or nine pieces, then this is the first. Where the other ones are? Presumably, they’re spread around Citarya. Presumably.
NORTH: So, I’m assuming you know very little about this.
MARS: The only thing I know is one of the previous authors of my journal had it for a short time. That’s about it. Because they were incredibly vague, and being a magic book, it only can hold so much space, so it tends to overwrite some data every now and again.
NORTH: Tends to overwrite data… Well, it’s not my area of expertise, but I might be able to send some letters out to some colleagues and see what people know.
MARS: I’ve got a few people looking into it as well, but if word gets out that we have this… well, you can’t destroy it, but there’s a reason it was probably buried.
NORTH: It’s been several hundred years, could have just been naturally.
MARS: Well, that too.
NORTH: It would be really hard to hide with all that magical power, as well.
MARS: I bet you this thing lights up like a firecracker if we cast Detect Magic.
NORTH: I bet you’re right.
MARS: I don’t, but you can do that.
NORTH: I think for now, since we don’t know much, just take what we do know and move on with it. I’m gonna head back inside. Let me know if you need help with anything.
MARS: I’ll keep looking and see if I can find anything, but I don’t think I’m going to. I’ll be in in like an hour.
NORTH: Okay. And Valus is going to start walking back.
JAS: Cool. Sylacrum, roll an investigation check and an arcana check.
MARS: Investigation and Arcana?
JAS: Mm-hmm.
MARS: Ooh, snazzy!
JAS: There’s multiple things to learn here.
MARS: Ee… eee… well, my dice have failed me. That’s a seven on the arcana check and also a seven on the investigation.
JAS: There’s lots of things to learn here, and Sylacrum… doesn’t discover any of it. I mean, you spend some more time looking at the crack, looking at the dirt around it. Quit laughing at crack.
NORTH: No, I’m just laughing because you’re like, “this really had a lot of potential and you didn’t use any of it.”
JAS: You know, it happens! Sometimes it be like that.
MARS: Well, I rolled a two and a four, so, there’s only so much my dice can do, man.
MAR: That’s like Cire’s initiative rolls.
JAS: Valus, you head up to the house, and you walk in on the scene of Hesperis and Cire making cornbread with a seven and a half foot tall firbolg and Henry.
NORTH: Wow, you are quite large. No offense, but… I don’t want that line to stay in. I don’t want that line to stay in. Can we cut it?
MAR: That eight to Charisma is really coming for Valus.
JAS: Maybe the eight to Charisma is just Valus accidentally sounds horny all of the time.
WINK: Okay, so here are the fics we have so far: ValusxOberon, and HenryxWaynexValus.
NORTH: He does have a kiss the cook on.
WINK: With side plot of CirexHesperis.
MARS: I wanna point out something. There seems to be a pattern here, people larger than Valus. Does Professor Amadon have a size kink?
NORTH: No, Valus does not reflect me.
[LAUGHTER]
WINK: Okay, so North has a size kink, Valus is ace. Got it.
NORTH: Valus is something, I don’t know what he is. He’s stupid, I’ll tell you that.
MAR: He’s a wizard!
NORTH: There’s a difference between being intelligent and being stupid. You can be both. Valus is socially stupid.
MAR: That’s the low Charisma.
NORTH: It is the low Charisma.
JAS: That low Charisma’s really doing something.
NORTH: Second lowest stat, minus one modifier.
MAR: Cire takes psychic damage from the secondhand embarrassment from watching Valus interact with Wayne.
JAS: Wayne looks down at you and he just kind of gives a deep chuckle. And he goes, (as Wayne) Well, I get that a lot. What’s your name, son?
NORTH: Dr. Valus Amadon, at your service. And you are?
JAS: (as Wayne) My name’s Wayne.
NORTH: It’s very nice to meet you.
JAS: (as Wayne) It’s nice to meet you as well. Come on in, our cornbread’s getting close to being done. Might as well get you some. We have jalapeño and regular. Are you good, Wink?
NORTH: Are you okay?
JAS: Just the voice doing it for you?
[WINK LAUGHING]
NORTH: Cornbread time!
MARS: We need some fucking water with how thirsty y’all are being.
WINK: I’m not being thirsty, I’m having a breakdown.
MERCER: Please don’t be horny while talking about my dad’s cornbread recipe.
[LAIUGHTER]
JAS: Okay, we got cornbread in the oven, you’re hanging out, cool. About an hour later, Sylacrum comes up, y’all have some tasty-ass cornbread. I think Caelum’s still just asleep under a tree or something.
MERCER: Caelum is sleeping with Maurice and Chase.
NORTH: That’s adorable.
MAR: That’s the cutest shit I’ve ever heard.
MARS: When Sylacrum walks in, they’re not wearing their heavy splint armor. They’re just in cargo pants and a hoodie.
JAS: Cargo pants?!
MARS: Well, yeah, they-
NORTH: An owl in cargo pants.
MARS: It fits underneath the armor.
NORTH: To carry all the audacity.
MAR: Cargo pants…
JAS: Are you really going to make poor innocent cosplayers wear cargo pants?
MARS: Yes.
JAS: Psychic damage! Bum ba-da bum bum bum!
MAR: (rolling) Jas takes five points of psychic damage.
JAS: Correct.
MARS: Tell you what, I am a noble god - not a god, what’s the opposite of that? The devil? Yeah, the devil.
WINK: Bold of you to think yourself as important as to be on the same level, in opposition to God.
MARS: I say again, the fucking Tumblr quotes are getting out of hand here.
WINK: They’re not Tumblr quotes, that’s straight from my brain, booboo.
MAR: Anyway!
JAS: Anyway, I’m going to have a breakdown.
MAR: Sylacrum, did you find anything?
MARS: Sorta? Sorta not.
JAS: Henry says, (as Henry) Well, that’s about as vague as you can be.
MARS: Well y’all have been sitting on a fracture core for the past seven hundred and one years.
JAS: (as Henry) I don’t know what that means, but it sounds important.
MAR: What do we need to do about it?
MARS: I don’t fucking know. We can’t exactly put it back in the hole.
NORTH: I don’t know if anyone would know, honestly. It’s been here for over seven hundred years.
WINK: What if we try to eat it?
JAS: (as Henry) Seven hundred years, that’s about as long as my family’s been here.
NORTH: Your family’s been here a long time.
JAS: (as Henry) It’s a family farm, I inherited it.
MARS: I think upon hearing that, Sylacrum kind of leans in a little bit and bird neck extension-s so his face is a little too close. Just. You wouldn’t happen to be a warlock, would you?
JAS: (as Henry) A warlock? No, I’m-
MARS: Well, there goes my ideas.
NORTH: Would you happen to have any family records and anything? Of any strange going-ons or anything at this farm?
JAS: (as Henry) I mean… ah, I can tell you most of the family history, it’s been passed down. But I mean, weird things…um…
WINK: My uncle had six toes on one of his feet.
JAS: (as Henry) Well, you wanna talk about weird in the history, weird family history. I got some weird stories, probably not particularly helpful, but I would say about as weird as it gets is my… let’s see… the original owner of the farm, so he’s about six generations back. Right? I think I’m doing my math correctly. He was actually a centaur, believe it or not. And he actually went insane, but had a cleric put his mind back together. But he was never quite the same, or so I am told. That was a long time ago, but we weren’t the type of people to write things down like that.
MARS: Out of curiosity, what was his name?
JAS: (as Henry) Oh! Yeah, his name was Decadraz.
MARS: You just see Sylacrum’s like… like how Sylacrum did the cartoon unhinged jaw, just full on jaw fall the ground, just.
JAS: (as Henry) That name ring a bell?
MARS: That’s the guy who… and picking his jaw back up. Yeah, that’s the guy who gave me my magic journal.
JAS: (as Henry) Well there you go! Mystery solved. Sounds like.
NORTH: I’m sorry, you?
MAR: Gave it to you?
MARS: Well…
MAR: As in, his lifetime overlapped with yours?
JAS: (as Henry) Oh yeah, ‘cause he was… he died.
MARS: Oh, no no no, he’s very very very very very very very very very very… one very too much. He’s dead. For sure, dead-dead.
MAR: So how did you get his journal?
NORTH: Did you grave-rob? That was not Valus’ voice at all. Did you grave-rob a centaur?
MARS: Well, I didn’t grave-rob a centaur. My grandpa did. Well he grave-robbed a centaur after he got it from a dragonborn… well, actually, and Sylacrum, kind of opening up the book is just like, why do I not know this? Out of character, this is Mars not remembering what I fucking wrote.
MAR: So, how did you get this journal?
MARS: Well, my grandpa, may he rest in peace. He’s not dead, his foot’s just acting up.
WINK: He’s not dead, he’s just tired.
JAS: God, me too.
MARS: Well, I got it from my grandpa who got it from an aaracokra, who got it from a minotaur, who got it from a grung, who got it from dragonborn, who got it from a centaur. But the grung grave-robbed the centaur. The dragonborn got it because they were the apprentice, didn’t want the responsibilities, saving the world, some other bullshit. Put it back in his grave when he died, some grung stole it, etc.
MAR: That sounds like a very complicated history and I have forgotten all of it.
MARS: Oh, you think? I have to take a test on this like every five months?
MAR: Why?
MARS: Because my grandpa is a dick.
MAR: Oh, so it’s not like you have a weird magic journal class at your weird university. Okay.
MARS: No, I have a magic journal class at home. Where my grandpa just shows up, after disappearing with some weird-ass trinkets and apparently giving me a crossbow and going, “go out into the world. Explore. See the world. Stop being a hermit.” But I’m not a hermit.
WINK: Hesperis is currently over in the corner, looking kind of miffed and offended, because Sylacrum’s over there asking all these questions about the body of the warlock and all this stuff, and she’s like, “I literally just told you the story with the dragon. His body ‘sploded, babe.” Wait, that’s not Hesperis’ voice. I literally just told you this story with the dragon. His body exploded.
MARS: That’s fair.
WINK: Like, he is “poof” gone.
MARS: Sorry, my grandpa has a.
WINK: Conspiracy theorist.
MARS: [UNINTELLIGIBLE] Conspiracy board, “the warlock didn’t really die” or some other shit.
WINK: There’s literally an entire forest dedicated to the fact that the warlock fucking died.
MARS: Yeah, I know. I know. My grandpa’s… tinfoil hat.
MAR: So, what do we do about it?
MARS: I don’t know! Want to go toss it in the ocean or some shit?
WINK: Have you tried eating it?
[LAUGHTER]
MARS: And Sylacrum pulls it out… tell you what. If you can eat stone, go ahead and… what are you doing?
WINK: Hesperis bites it.
JAS: Roll a Constitution saving throw.
WINK: That’s a hot… saving throw? That’s a solid 8.
JAS: You don’t chip a tooth. But it does hurt quite bad.
WINK: Bold of you to assume Hesperis has teeth.
JAS: I know for a fact Hesperis has teeth.
WINK: Hesperis does have teeth.
NORTH: Are you trying to tell me you just gummed a Fracture Core?
MARS: No, I don’t want that image in my head! No!
JAS: Yeah, no. You don’t… it’s not good. And you cannot… no.
MAR: Why would you bite the Fra-
JAS: Psst! It’s a Fissure Core, not a Fracture Core!
MAR: I said “fragment.” I cut myself off.
JAS: I think Mars called it a Fracture Core.
MAR: Yes, I know it’s not a Fracture Core!
MARS: Look…
MAR: I listen to the DM!
JAS: Mm-hmm.
MARS: I did.
NORTH: Valus is going to pinch the bridge of his nose and let out a deep exhale. And just say, well we can’t really just leave it here. We don’t want anyone getting their hands on it that shouldn’t, so… I guess we should just keep it safe for now until we figure out what we can do with it.
MAR: But who are we to decide who keeps it safe or what to do with it?
WINK: Who’s to say that we are the safest place for it to be? Who’s to decide that we are the right hands for it to be in?
MAR: Well, we’re the ones who found it, so…
WiNK: Finders, keepers!
NORTH: Exactly. Plus, would you like more cows to get hurt?
WINK: (quietly) Even though they are to be slaughtered anyway. But it would not be fulfilling to their purpose for them to be killed by whatever that is.
NORTH: Exactly.
MAR: So, even if we don’t know what to do with the fragment, what do we do now?
WINK: Eat some fucking cornbread.
MAR: I’m down. Wait, you can’t eat cornbread!
WINK: I have thought about it, and now that I really consider it, I am not in Spring, and the purpose for this cornbread here is to be eaten. So I think I can eat it.
JAS: Um. Henry just kind of looks at you, still confused because I think y’all talked about this at the campsite yesterday and he just kind of nods and is like, (as Henry) All right, well, dig in everyone! (as DM) And starts plating up cornbread.
NORTH: I’ve never had cornbread.
MAR: Like, IRL? You’ve never had cornbread?
MARS: How the fuck have you not had cornbread, you live in the south!
MAR: I made cornbread last night. Or the night before last? Night before last.
JAS: Night before.
MAR: I made cornbread when I made the mac and cheese.
WINK: We still have some.
MAR: We do, and I really wish I was at home so I could eat it right now.
JAS: That sounds tasty.
WINK: I’m hungy.
JAS: Hi, Hungy, I’m God. You are eating your cornbread, it is tasty. Do you have anything else you would like to discuss this evening? We can take a long rest about it, maybe, if you’d like.
MARS: Yes, please, for the love of God.
WINK: Hesperis would like to ask Wayne, or she will just simply ask.
JAS: Great.
WINK: Do you have any saddle soap I could borrow? My boots are in dire need of cleaning after being in that field.
JAS: Wayne goes, (as Wayne) We should have some in our tack room, we should have plenty. You are more than welcome to use it. I can go out and get it for you later this evening if you’d like.
MAR: I have some in my backpack.
WINK: Oh! May I borrow it?
MAR: Mm-hmm.
WINK: Thank you.
JAS: (as Wayne) Either one works.
MAR: And Cire just hands over the saddle soap.
NORTH: What does Hesperis wear?
WINK: Yeah, so what she has on, I could show you a photo of it but I don’t feel like that right now. She’s got this maroon blouse on, it’s got long sleeves and they’re poofy like a poet shirt type thing, it’s got a cute frilly collar, buttons all the way down. She’s got an underbust corset that matches her skirt, no, I’m thinking of the wrong outfit, that’s her fancy clothes outfit. She is… same shirt, but with black overall-skirt-thing going on? Not overall skirt.
MAR: Pinafore?
WINK: Like skirt with suspenders.
MARS: Pinafore?
MAR: Like a pinafore. There are different styles of pinafore.
WINK: It’s just the skirt but with suspenders.
MARS: Are the suspenders attached to the skirt?
WINK: Yes.
MAR: That is a type of pinafore.
WINK: Okay, then it’s a pinafore. And she’s got some frilly socks on, and she also has some… I’m sorry!
MAR: Such a good outfit!
WINK: She’s got frilly lacy socks on under her heeled platform Profs. And she is also, you know Those Boots. Can I?
MAR: What color are her Profs?
WINK: They’re black, just nice neutral. But she does have lavender colored laces on them.
JAS: Are the ladder-laced?
WINK: Yeah.
JAS: Tasty.
MAR: Fruit.
JAS: Fruit!
WINK: Fruit alert! I worked very hard on drawing these boots.
MAR: They’re very sexy boots.
WINK: So this is one of the outfits that she has. Just the outline, I’m still working on her hair, because drawing vines is harder than it looks! And I’m bad at art. I’m doing my best.
MAR: Is it long rest time?
JAS: It is long rest time!
MAR: Cire’s going through it.
JAS: Yeah. Henry and Wayne give you some places to stay; there’s a few couches that they pull out, they’re like “Here, we have some for when the ranch hands stay over night,” some places for you to set up, and it is comfy and nice and you get a long rest. Yee haw. You hear the crowing of roosters in the morning, signal a new day dawning.
WINK: [CHICKEN NOISES]
WINK: The plot chickens!
JAS: It is the plot chicken, actually, out there. Calling you to come back to the plot.
WINK: I can’t do that when I have a mouthful of chocolate milk.
MAR: Just so you know, on this long rest Cire has switched out Bane for Divine Favo- no, she can’t! Bane is her domain spell, I take it back. She’s gonna swap Thunderous Smite for Divine Favor. I forgot that Bane is one of the ones that she always has prepared, which is kind of embarrassing, since I wrote the subclass.
JAS: Damn.
MAR: I can have more spells than I have prepared prepared. Bane and Bless are always prepared. I can have two more spells prepared. I’m Boo-Boo the Fool.
MARS: Also, this is just a sidebar for anybody that plays clerics or paladins, you’ll know my pain. Why are Bane and Bless two separate spells? They do the exact same shit! But one’s for allies and one’s for enemies.
MAR: I get them being different spells.
MARS: I understand it, but also you could’ve just combined them. Wizards of the Coast, I’m coming for your fucking kneecaps.
MAR: Anyway, Cire has swapped Thunderous Smite for Divine Favor, and because I’m Boo-boo the Fool, she has also added Detect Magic and Wrathful Smite to her prepared spells for today.
JAS: Tasty!
MARS: I think Sylacrum’s gonna keep everything the same… for the most part. If I can, I think I’m gonna use Artisan’s Blessing on the crossbow, so it’s now a magic +1 additional crossbow.
JAS: Great, tasty.
NORTH: How long does that last?
MARS: All day, until I go down.
JAS: Unless Sylacrum is knocked unconscious or until a long rest.
NORTH: And Valus is adding Expeditious Retreat and Burning Hands to his arsenal.
JAS: Tasty!
MAR: Is that from the level-up?
NORTH: Mm-hmm.
WINK: Hehe. Arson.
JAS and MAR, joining in: (chanting) Arson! Arson!
JAS: Okay, you all wake up in the morning.
WINK: Feeling like Mick Jagger.
JAS: And the day is yours. What would you like to do?
WINK: Sing.
MAR: Excellent. I would like to check on the cows.
MERCER: On your way to check on the cows, Caelum is making his way to the house. He slept outside.
MAR: Have you been outside this whole time?
MERCER: Oh, um… that’s not Caelum’s voice. He just nods, he’s not a morning person. He nods.
MAR: Fair enough.
NORTH: Valus is going to be wrapping up the letters that he’s writing to a couple of colleagues that won’t rat him out.
MARS: Speaking of rats, Sylacrum is writing a letter to Vorim.
JAS: Okay. What is your letter to Vorim about?
MARS: Essen… we’re abridging this, but essentially it’s “Yo, what the fuck, I found it! Get the Flexstrikers, go fucking looking for the other pieces, I found it.”
JAS: Cool, you send out your letters, or you get your letters all written, there’s nowhere to send them out, because you are in the middle of nowhere.
MAR: There’s a cow field.
JAS: It’s a cow farm, you’re gonna find cows outside.
MAR: I caused that.
JAS: Yep, that’s your fault.
MAR: Anyway.
JAS: Anyway, what do you do?
MAR: I go check on the cows!
JAS: You go check on the cows, excellent. You go to the cows and they all seem fine. You see Maurice is vibing. Chase starts to run off, and she runs over and bonks him with her little nose. It’s very good. But all the cows seem chill. Some of… most of them don’t seem to care about the crack in the ground. The crack is still there.
MAR: Okay, so there’s still a crack, but they’re going up to it and all of that.
JAS: Yes!
MAR: Like it’s not a huge deal?
JAS: Just, even just walking over it.
MAR: How wide is the crack? Like would it… would there be a risk of the cows falling in? Is what I’m concerned about.
JAS: It is about a foot wide at its widest point.
MAR: And how deep is it?
JAS: It’s pretty deep. Even if they got one hoof in…
MAR: They’re not gonna fall in, fall in.
WINK: Like it’s at least seven hundred and one years of sedimentary deposition, so…
JAS: Seven hundred and one years of sedimentary deposition, but it is incredibly condensed.
WINK: Ah! So, subsidation.
JAS: Wow!
NORTH: Wow, rock terms.
MAR: Rock class!
JAS: Rocks!
WINK: Hesperis is going to sit on the front porch and - do they have rocking chairs?
JAS: Yes.
WINK: So I sit in a rocking chair so that she can also do a little rock-y stim that I’m doing right now.
JAS: Excellent.
WINK: And she’s going to clean her boots.
NORTH: I can see Hesperis holding both sides and just rocking way too far in the chair.
WINK: Yes.
MAR: That has Hesperis vibes. It is also Wink vibes.
MARS: Hey, Jas?
JAS: Uh-huh?
MARS: Would you let me change out a spell real quick.
JAS: Sure.
MARS: Instead of… that was level two, where was… Instead of Find Traps today, picking up Locate Object.
JAS: Okay.
MAR: Spicy.
MARS: ‘Cause I’ve got a theory. A Game Theory if you will.
SEVERAL PEOPLE: No!
JAS: MatPat. Matthew Patthew.
MARS: So, before that though, Sylacrum is going to…
MAR: You two collectively are going to be the death of me.
JAS: Correct.
MARS: Sylacrum’s gonna try and find Henry.
JAS: Okay.
MARS: And…
MAR: Like, with Locate Object?
JAS: No, that’s easy enough, Henry is… you see Henry has gotten up early and has started to tend to the farm, but he is easy enough to find on the farm.
MAR: Okay, I checked on the cows, I would like to say good morning to Henry and see if Henry has any coffee, because…
JAS: Well, Henry is out working. Sylacrum is going to talk to Henry about something.
MAR: Okay, I want to see if Wayne has any coffee, then.
JAS: Wayne will absolutely give you a cup of coffee.
MAR: Excellent.
JAS: And the vibes are immaculate.
MAR: Is it tasty coffee?
JAS: It looks like it would be bad coffee, and then you sip it and you’re like, wait a minute, wait a damn minute. It’s good.
MAR: Okay.
JAS: It’s good coffee.
MAR: No, I’m there. Good soup.
JAS: Bean soup.
MARS: It’s early morning, isn’t it?
JAS: It’s decently early, yeah.
MARS: Okay, I just needed to know what voice.
NORTH: What’s decently early for gay people?
WINK: Noon.
JAS: I was gonna say around like eight.
MARS: That’s what I figured. Sylacrum’s just gonna go up to Henry and go, sorry, I know it’s very early… you said Decadraz used to own this farm?
JAS: He’s like (as Henry), yeah, Decadraz.
MARS: Is he… did you know if he had a workshop or anything?
JAS: (as Henry) Maybe? There’s no telling, it’s been years. The house isn’t original, so I have no idea.
MARS: Well, do you think he would be like, I don’t know, buried here?
JAS: (as Henry) No, he’s not buried on the property. He actually had a special request of he wanted to be buried close to the Wasteland Forest.
MARS: That guy is such a dick.
JAS: (as Henry) Well, I can’t say much about his character, but…
MARS: Well, he has atrocious handwriting. Like, shit is unreadable, I swear.
JAS: (as Henry) You have some of his handwriting?
MARS: Well, yeah. And… I forgot Sylacrum doesn’t have armor on right now. Yeah, we’re doing that. You hear Sylacrum go, oh yeah, and lifts up his hoodie a little bit. And you see on his right side it’s very clear acrylic with metal tubes and gears and wires going on. And you hear a hiss… pop sound. And out pops the book. A couple pieces of his armor falls out, from a little pocket. And he goes, well, I’ll put it on in a second. And closes it, hoodie back down. Yeah, I’ve got his journal. I don’t know if it’s the original one, but it’s got some of his notes in it.
JAS: (as Henry) Well, you mind if I take a look?
MARS: Oh, yeah, go for it.
JAS: And he starts to flip through it and you see… he does the thing that older people do where they bring it up close and bring their face back to try and focus on it. And he is flipping through pages, and he’s like… he closes it and hands it back to you, and says (as Henry) Well, I can’t even pretend to know any of what’s going on in there.
MARS: Trust me, I don’t know half of it either.
JAS: (as Henry) Well, you’d know more than I do. But, it’s cool to see part of my history like that. You know, it’s funny, he was a centaur. And we actually had some generations of centaurs, that gene came through, but then after my grandmother, it stopped. So, kind of funny. I ended up a human.
MARS: You’re…
JAS: (as Henry) I’m like… I’m part centaur, yeah.
MARS: Okay, I just have to know which part is the centaur part.
JAS: (as Henry) Oh, I don’t have…. [JAS LAUGHING] I don’t have any physical traits of the centaur.
WINK: Though that would explain the firbolg husband. [LAUGHTER] I’m so sorry.
JAS: I am going to leave that, because I cannot… I can’t.
MARS: Well, Wayne must be a very lucky man.
JAS: He laughs, and he says (as Henry) I can’t say anything about that, but I didn’t pick up any of the physical characteristics of the centaur, it kind of faded out, I think it’s a recessive gene, weirdly enough. Yeah, I could tell you what I know about Decadraz if you’d like.
MARS: Yeah.
JAS: (as Henry) I mean, most of it’s just been passed down by word of mouth.
MARS: Whatever helps. If you want, I can help you work out here while you tell me this stuff, so that way I’m not too distracting.
JAS: (as Henry) All right, well… (as DM) He grabs a bucket of water, hands you one, and picks up two with… and they’re the big-ass buckets. The one is probably… I don’t know what you have to strength. What do you have in strength?
MAR: [IN BACKGROUND, INAUDIBLE]
MARS: I have an eighteen to strength.
JAS: So, you’re like, this is fine for you, carrying these buckets of water is fine for you, but they are hefty. Like, and he picks up two of them and is just walking with you. And he’s like, (as Henry) Yeah, so Decadraz… so the story goes, I’m… shoot, I don’t know how much of it’s actual reality, but Decadraz is the one who bought the farm, and the story of how he bought the farm is kind of family legend or whatever. So, he actually, he was alive for the Fracture. So, actually, Decadraz, he fought in the war effort, well, he didn’t fight, he was kind of a tinkerer, inventor. Helped provide a lot of ammunition to Teabriah. (as DM) For spelling purposes, that is T-E-A-B-R-I-A. That was one of the major world powers before, during the war before the Fracture happened, and anarchy. Did I say… It’s B-R-I-A-H. I said that right. Sorry, I fucked up. He says, (as Henry) He actually was an inventor for Teabriah, and helped in their war efforts. Now, they say that after the war happened, he was fine for a few years, and then he went mad. Which, you know, I guess fighting in a war will do that to you. And I’d imagine, a life changing thing like the Fracture will mess up anyone’s head… like, that’s…
MARS: Yeah, there’s a distinct difference in the book. Before the Fracture, he sounded like a superstar. But after that, later entries, he just seems quiet. Mournful, almost.
JAS: (as Henry) Yeah, it was weird. (as DM) Well, no. (as Henry) That’s really interesting. Well, he went mad, and spent some time in the Wasteland Forest, right after the Fracture happened, I think he went looking, for the warlock, but that’s just my guess. I don’t really know what he was doing, and I would even pretend to have any idea. But he went on and he went to a cleric to get his mind restored. Well, I don’t know if he went to a cleric or was forced to go, you know what I’m saying? But he went, at least got some of his mind back, but he wasn’t ever quite right. And so after that, he came out here and he started the farm. Just got a piece of farmland, didn’t even have to buy it, actually, just kind of stuck it out for himself and said “This is mine.” And here we are, generations later. So, I don’t know if that information is pertinent to you, but…
MAR: Is the name of the warlock something that is known in Citarya?
JAS: It’s kind of… so, it was once known, but it is kind of, most people just refer to him as ‘The Warlock’. It’s kind of shorthand.
MAR: Is the name still known, or has it been lost?
JAS: Yeah, it’s still known. Let me get it for you. It is in my notes somewhere. That’s my favorite game. Where in my notes is it?
MAR: That’s more Mar’s curiosity than anything else, ‘cause Cire is not there. Cire is drinking coffee with Wayne.
JAS: It was Volumon. V-O-L-U-M-O-N. It’s an elven name.
MAR: Does that mean the warlock was an elf?
JAS: Yeah, he was. And then the last name is Elladril. E-L-L-A-D-R-I-L. Volumon Eladril. Pretentious elf name.
MAR: And I am once again on my third page of notes in one session.
JAS: Yeah? Okay. So, yeah, he says, (as Henry) I don’t know if any of that’s useful to you, but… shoot, it’s better out than in my mind.
MAR: Another question, is the information that you have given me about the warlock something that Cire would know?
JAS: Yeah.
MAR: Is it common knowledge across Citarya?
JAS: Yeah, it’s common knowledge, a lot of this, like the story of the Fracture is well-known. It is basic history for you to know. And the country name, that is basic history for you to know. That would be like someone being like “The Roman Empire.” You know.
MAR: Okay, this is more Mar being a culture nerd than anything else. However. Another, just worldbuilding curiosity question. Has the Fracture caused the name Volumon to not be used?
JAS: Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
MAR: That was just me being curious, but…
JAS: Yeah, it is. Yeah, no.
MARS: Well, thank you for your help. I think I can take it from here?
JAS: (as Henry) Well, you are just as welcome as the flowers in May, so… [LAUGHTER]
MAR: (somewhat defensively) I just really love Henry!
JAS: That’s fair.
MARS: I think that is the softest thing I’ve heard you say. That’s softer than the snowfall in Winter.
JAS: (as Henry) Yeah, well. You get a lot of those sayings around a farm, you know how it is.
MARS: Yeah, figured that.
NORTH: Henry absolutely seems like the kind of guy that says “People in Hell want ice water.”
JAS: I’m fully pulling phrases from my grandmother who spent a lot of time on a farm.
MAR: Okay, but “People in Hell want ice water” is something that my grandma does say on a regular basis.
JAS: Yup, so does mine.
WINK: May I also suggest the phrase regarding the weather, “It is hot as Satan’s left armpit out here.”
JAS: Yes.
MAR: Is it actually?
JAS: (in Henry’s voice, unclear if Henry is speaking) Well, gods willing and the creek don’t rise.
MAR: Correct.
NORTH: What?
JAS: Gods willing and the creek don’t rise.
NORTH: I’ve never heard that one.
JAS: Never heard “God willing and the creek don’t rise”? I made it gods ‘cause, y’know. Citarya.
MAR: Citarya.
JAS: Plural, but “gods willing and the creek don’t rise.”
MAR: That’s delightful.
JAS: (as Henry) Anyway, it’s no problem, (as DM) and he sets down his water buckets and he’s like, (as Henry) You can ask any question you want, I’m an open book, so I don’t mind telling you anything.
MARS: Do you care how loud we play music?
JAS: (as Henry) Shoot, as long as you don’t scare off any of the animals, I mean most of them are pretty attuned to weird bullshit.
WINK: He better not care how loud we play the music because Hesperis has been rehearsing. All morning, as she’s been shining her shoes.
JAS: You hear the scre- you’re probably, you’re a decent way out in the farmland, like it would be hard to hear, so you just hear very faintly, you hear Hesperis.
WINK: Faint sounds of heavy metal.
JAS: (as Henry) I mean, shoot.
MARS: Yeah. Well, I’ve got an idea, I’m going to try and do it.
JAS: (as Henry) All right. I mean, gods be with you.
MARS: And then Sylacrum is gonna try and find… Valus? Pretty much the entire party, and get them all in one spot.
JAS: That’s fairly easy enough to do.
NORTH: I was gonna say earlier, before the whole discourse started, yeah I guess discourse, a decent way to say it, Valus has not very high, but has gone on a bit of a glide to stretch his wings. He’s a bit up in the air. You could find him, you can yell for him, but he’s kind of up there right now.
WINK: When you said not very high, I genuinely thought you were like, Valus is lit up.
[LAUGHTER]
MAR: Valus had some of the rosebush.
WINK: Does Hesperis have any spare rosebush from-
JAS: No!
NORTH: It is entirely for educational purposes.
[LAUGHTER]
MARS: I was actually gonna ask if anybody wanted to do a different scene since I’ve kinda been lore dumping for like 30 minutes and I feel kind of bad now. I found the plot but the plot is going on a fucking freefall.
WINK: The plot is chickening.
[LAUGHTER]
MARS: The plot is chickening and we’re -
WINK: You’re the plot chicken!
MAR: You’re the plot chicken!
MARS: [CHICKEN NOISE]
[LAUGHTER]
JAS: We found it, ladies and gentlemen, we found it. Anybody else got anything we wanna get up to, other than Hesperis screaming and shining her…
WINK: Gentle screamo.
NORTH: Gentle screamo.
MAR: Cire would like Henry and Wayne to adopt her, but she’s not going to say that.
[LAUGHTER, THEME MUSIC]
JAS: Hey guys! Thank you so much for listening to the eighth? Eighth. Dang. Eighth episode of Next in the Order, it’s Jas, as usual, with some… well, not ads for you today. We wanted to give a special little announcement, not a fun kind, unfortunately, it’s two episodes in a row, how dare us, but we wanted to instead of doing our usual advertisements, go ahead and plug a few charities that are helping trans youth across the South, and the nation, but particularly in Alabama. We are all based in Alabama currently, and we really do love this state, and with all of us being trans it’s really hard to watch these incredibly harmful bills being passed in our own House and Senate, and turning our lives into something illegal. So we just wanted to plug Prism United, which is a Mobile-based organization that focuses on transgender youth, providing access to therapy, and support, and all the things that a young queer person needs. Next we want to plug Southern Equality. They work more broadly across the South - they’re based in North Carolina, and they have done a lot of political and legal advocacy for queer and gender nonconforming people. Finally, we want to plug the Transgender Law Center. This one is nationally-based, they’ve also done a lot of work on racial justice and general political work, and they’re really rad. Even if you can’t donate to these organizations, please, please check them out, see what they’re doing, follow them, they’re great! All right, and as always, thank you to Magic Sword for the use of their song “Battlefield (Dance With The Dead Remix)”. You can get the link to that in the description, and the link to the rest of their music, it’s radical. All right, hope you enjoy the rest of the episode, bye-bye!
[THEME MUSIC]
JAS: You and Wayne are like drinking coffee, and y’all are just talking.
WINK: Listening to Hesperis gently scream.
JAS: Listening to Hesperis gently scream.
WINK: Gentle screaming at one-thirty in the afternoon.
JAS: He keeps imparting on you some farm wisdom.
WINK: Farm wisdom?!
NORTH: Farm wisdom.
MAR: So, when we all come together in the house, what happens? I’m curious.
JAS: Sylacrum, you’re gathering them up for a conversation. Have a conversation.
NORTH: I’m still in the air, just throwing that out there.
JAS: You can call Valus down, whatever.
MARS: Ooh!
NORTH: Just scream at the top of your lungs.
MARS: No, that’s not what I’m gonna do.
NORTH: Are you gonna bird whistle or something?
MARS: No. How many flares did we end up making?
MAR: We made two.
NORTH: You still have the other one.
MARS: I still have the other one.
NORTH: That’s not gonna go well.
WINK: Are you gonna shoot Valus in an alley?
[LAUGHTER]
NORTH: Are you gonna use a flare like an AA gun?
MARS: I wasn’t going to, but I was gonna aim close enough to you.
JAS: Roll an attack roll.
MARS: I’m actually not, I’m just trying to shoot it up so it gets Valus’ attention.
NORTH: You’re gonna end up killing my character by making him fall out of the air.
MAR: Roll a non-Newtonian attack roll to see if you miss Valus.
JAS: Yeah, roll a non-Newtonian attack roll.
MAR: That was fully a joke.
JAS: No, actually. If you want… you wanna roll high, ‘cause if you do you might accidentally hit Valus.
MARS: I figured as much. I got the attack dice out. Are we doing a straight roll or an actual attack.
JAS: An actual attack, with your crossbow, don’t forget you got a +1.
MARS: Ooh, so a 15?
JAS: Fifteen, you do not hit Valus.
MARS: The reason I was asking, the roll was a straight 10.
JAS: Yeah, you do not hit Valus.
NORTH: How close does it come?
JAS: Closer than you were comfortable with.
NORTH: Valus is gonna spread his wings out to stop and steer downwards, and is gonna divebomb straight at Sylacrum, and just right past him. You know how… spread out their wings to slow down and stop. Yeah, he’s not happy. He’s going to Sylacrum and just say, yeah, don’t do that again.
MARS: Well, you were high up in the air, I didn’t know how else to get your attention.
NORTH: You could scream.
MAR: Was… wait, was Valus within 30 feet, or 120 feet? You could have had me send a Message!
MARS: You have Message?
MAR: Yes! I have Message!
NORTH: We had to use it earlier to get Rowena’s friends’ attention.
WINK: I don’t have Message but I could have gone, “Hey Valus!”
MAR: Literally anything would have been better than the flare.
MARS: But I had the flare.
MAR: You could have used it for something else some other time!
MARS: I can make more flares, I already had this one.
MAR: What is it with you and unnecessarily shooting things?
NORTH: This is the difference between being intelligent and being stupid.
MAR: Okay, Sylacrum is pretty decidedly not stupid, though, because Sylacrum has a pretty high Wisdom.
MARS: It’s an eighteen Wisdom and a sixteen Intelligence.
MAR: (fast, confused and irate) Then why are you so stupid?!
MARS: Sylacrum’s just a little shit.
JAS: Because Sylacrum’s played by Mars.
NORTH: Sylacrum’s played by chaos incarnate.
MERCER: Common sense is the one Wisdom thing that Sylacrum does not have.
MAR: Sylacrum has the opposite of proficiency in common sense.
MARS: Well, yeah. Anyways, you’re here now. You’re not dead.
MAR: Yet!
NORTH: Don’t say that, please.
WINK: She’s just being honest.
MAR: Cire is gripping her mace at her side like, do not try me, Sylacrum, is it too early for this. She doesn’t say it, but no Insight check required, Sylacrum gets the point, I’m pretty sure.
MARS: Okay… scary paladin… anyways. I had an idea, because if the author of the journal is here, also knowing the previous authors of this journal are all fucking paranoid, I think there might be an armory or a forge, or a fucking workshop, somewhere around here. That Decadraz would have used.
MAR: Did you want to look for it?
MARS: Well, that’s the thing, I think it’s buried.
MAR: Well, do any of us have some kind of magic that we might be able to use to be able to find it?
MARS: I have Locate Object.
MAR: But what Object would we be looking for?
MARS: I know what some of his tools look like. But the problem is, and Hes, I actually need your help for this.
WINK: What do you need from me?
MARS: You know how you play music?
WINK: Yes. Obviously.
MARS: If I potentially channel something through your music and we aim the speaker down into the ground, might be able to sense something? Maybe?
NORTH: You’re suggesting like a magic radar?
MARS: Essentially.
WINK: Like echolocation of a sort?
MARS: Exactly.
WINK: You do realize that you need high pitches for that? And I play bass.
MAR: How far under the ground do you think this workshop would be?
MARS: It can’t be that far.
MAR: And would it be magical?
MARS: Assumedly.
NORTH: I think at least some of the tools would be.
MAR: You can both cast Detect Magic, and I can cast Detect Magic, so we’d have at least half an hour worth of magic radar, if we wanted to take that approach.
MARS: So are you suggesting we just make a triangle? And cast Detect Magic at the same time?
MAR: I was thinking more in succession so we would have… each of us can use the spell for ten minutes, I don’t want to use more than one of my spells today on that, ‘cause if we find something that needs fighting I’d like to save them.
WINK: Okay, so Hesperis plays the bass, right? So that’s very deep tones, for something like sonar or echolocation, you need very high tones, can Hesperis just scream at the ground?
MARS: [INDISTINGUISHABLE DISBELIEVING DESCRIPTION OF HESPERIS]
WINK: She has the range between an operatic soprano and a baritone.
JAS: Baritone.
WINK: So she can do it, she can manage it.
NORTH: How far under the ground was the piece of the Core?
JAS: It was about four feet.
NORTH: Okay, because Detect Magic can go down to three.
MAR: Oh! Three feet of dirt, yeah.
MARS: That’s why I was like…
JAS: (whispering) Go back! (normal volume) It was about three feet into the ground.
NORTH: Okay, perfect!
JAS: ‘Cause it has to be within arms’ reach for Sylacrum.
MAR: Oh, yup.
MARS: Oh, shit you’re right.
NORTH: Unless he just buried himself like an ostrich.
[LAUGHTER]
MARS: The wrong type of bird.
NORTH: Which I know they don’t do.
MAR: So, we would… if we take turns we would have more time to search. But if we do it in succession, we would have more area to search within that same time. And if the two of you are willing or able to use more of your spell slots, we would be able to search for longer, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to use more than one on this.
MARS: Well, I was going to at least use two spells, a Locate Object to see if… maybe, because if Locate Object works, then I know where that item is.
MAR: Right. And if Locate Object doesn’t work, what, we’re just wandering around aimlessly, hoping that something comes up on Detect Magic?
MARS: Well, you’ve got a better idea?
MAR: No.
NORTH: Who has the highest Strength in the party?
MAR: We’re tied.
NORTH: For?
MAR and MARS: Eighteen.
NORTH: Could someone just hold Valus out like a metal detector?
[LAUGHTER]
MAR: Um… I think Cire has enough carrying capacity that she could hold Valus out like a metal detector.
NORTH: Well, actually, wouldn’t Sylacrum weigh the least since he’s got hollow bones?
[MAR LAUGHING]
NORTH: Does he have hollow bones?
WINK: Only on one side!
NORTH: Oh, that’s true, that’s true.
MAR: Yeah…
MARS: The other side’s…
MAR: Where’s the note sheet that I’m working on?
MARS: How many note sheets have you gone through?
MAR: I’m on my third one this session!
WINK: Have you checked… [MAR: No!] Up your ass?
MARS: Around the corner as well.
MAR: I’m gonna cry. Like, actually I’m gonna cry. [DECIDEDLY SWITCHING TO CIRE’S MANNERISMS] So, do we wanna try that? And see if we might be able to find this workshop?
MARS: Yeah, sure.
NORTH: Sounds like an idea to me.
MAR: I would think it would be a good plan to do it while it’s still daylight and we’re all still rested.
MARS: Yeah. Hes, give us a beat? And…
[OVERLAPPING BEGINNINGS OF SENTENCES]
MAR: Caelum, are you all right with this?
WINK: That’s not how science works…
MERCER: I mean, I don’t have anything that would cause any issue with it, so…
MAR: All right.
NORTH: All right, well who goes first?
MAR: Well, Sylacrum with Locate Object, right?
MARS: Yeah.
MAR: And I suppose the house is as good a place as any to start.
MARS: Yeah, if Hes wants to help me out here so we can try and sonar this shit.
MAR: Are we using sonar first or are we just looking to see if Locate Object works?
MARS: Well, it’s within a thousand feet, because I’m looking for Decadraz’s hammer, which it might not be here, but if it is.
WINK: So why do you need me? I’m confused.
MARS: I just want somebody to help me do it, because, you know, I thought it was gonna be cool, I can just, you know…
WINK: I don’t know how my music would be of any help.
MARS: Look, I’m just trying to get around going through Oathar’s fucking secretaries here. It’s like a five-minute wait time.
WINK: Does it help if I do not believe in Oathar?
MARS: They don’t know that. The capitalist pigs.
WINK: Then I cannot help you, I’m sorry.
MAR: Okay.
WINK: If you want to cast the spell, you have to go through them anyway, yeah?
MARS: Eh.
MAR: Let’s just cast the spell and see what happens.
JAS: All right, what is the exact description on Locate Object?
MARS: So, it’s a casting time of an action, range of self, duration up to ten minutes. It’s also concentration. “Describe or name an object that is familiar to you. You sense the direction of the object’s location, as long as that object is within 1,000 feet of you. If the object is in motion, you know the direction of its movement. The spell can locate a specific object known to you, as long as you have seen it up close—within 30 feet—at least once. Alternatively, the spell can locate the nearest object of a particular kind, such as a certain kind of apparel, jewelry, furniture, tool, or weapon. This spell can’t locate an object if any thickness of lead, even a thin sheet, blocks a direct path between you and the target.”
JAS: Okay. I did not auditory process that, so I’m going to need you to hand me the card.
MARS: Pretty much, works like a metal detector, have to have seen the object within 30 feet, at least once, it’s a range of 1,000 feet. But can’t sense it if it’s.
MAR: So can you target a hammer you haven’t seen?
JAS: “Can locate the nearest object of a particular kind, such as of apparel, jewelry, tool or weapon.” So that is the clause that we’re going to be able to use here.
WINK: We’re gonna find a bunch of hammers though. Because we’re on a fucking farm.
MAR: But like a weapon.
MARS: A warhammer, though.
WINK: Okay, fair enough.
JAS: Yeah, so you’re going for Decadraz’s warhammer, right? That is, you’re like “Ah, yes. Warhammer, specific.” Cool. You cast this and you don’t… it is not in the immediate 1,000 feet. That is not where it is. ‘Cause you’re casting it at the house, right?
MARS: I guess, since I have ten minutes, Sylacrum’s gonna walk around kind of going towards the crater a little bit, and then if he still doesn’t get anything is just gonna keep walking in a circle and see if he can find anything.
MAR: Like search and recovery. I took a brief lesson as part of scuba diving training on search and recovery, and there’s a search pattern you can use going out in an expanding spiral from a certain point. Is that what Sylacrum’s doing?
MARS: Essentially, that.
JAS: Cool, so you’re going out in this spiral, right? And nothing, nothing, nothing, and the time is about to expire, you’re like, “I can’t hold this,” it’s about to end, and then you feel it, the faintest ping, and you look over, and on a hillside is the barn. And it is in the direction of the barn.
MAR: Were we all with Sylacrum for that?
JAS: I don’t know. Did y’all follow Sylacrum? That’s a you decision.
MAR: I would’ve.
JAS: Okay.
MAR: Is it like 1,000 feet in the direction of the barn?
JAS: Mm-hmm.
MAR: I know I wouldn’t know this unless Sylacrum told me, I’m just…
MARS: I feel like Sylacrum out of habit is going, “beep, beep,” and the second it pops up is like “beepbeepbeepbeepbeep.”
MAR: Did you find something?
MARS: Yeah, it’s in the direction of the barn.
MAR: How far away?
MARS: About 1,000 feet.
MAR: Okay, so should we head that way?
MARS: I guess we go towards the barn?
MAR: Go about 1,000… go in the direction of the barn, about 1,000 feet, and then… plan B, right? Detect Magic?
MARS: It’s a magic warhammer, I think.
MAR: Okay, so Cire is going to start walking in the direction of the barn. And when she gets 800 or so feet in that direction, she’s going to cast Detect Magic, and keep going.
JAS: Pretty much close to 1,000 feet is the barn itself, it is pretty far out, right? I just had to google “How big is an acre?” Because I have measured farms by acres. It’s about 4000 feet.
MAR: Right?
NORTH: I’ve never known what an acre is, thank you.
JAS: Yeah, right? So I was doing mental arithmetic over here.
MAR: An acre is an area.
JAS: It is. So it’s the conversion is weird.
MAR: Okay, so Cire casts Detect Magic and keeps heading towards the…
JAS: Yeah, so you cast Detect Magic and go ahead and roll a spellcasting check for me.
MAR: Okay. With or without proficiency?
JAS: With proficiency.
MAR: That’s a twelve.
JAS: A twelve? Okay, you… what is the range on Detect Magic?
MAR: It is 30 feet, but it can be blocked by three feet of…
NORTH: Wood or dirt.
JAS: You are not picking up anything yet, but as you walk, you’re walking, you’re making your way downtown. What’s the duration?
MAR: It’s ten minutes, I believe. Yeah, it’s concentration, up to ten minutes.
JAS: Great. So you are, becoming yourself the metal detector now. And you’re walking closer and closer and then you get pretty much into the door of the barn, and you detect something. You detect magic through the floor.
MAR: Okay.
JAS: And you detect, it is muddled, you cannot tell what kind of magic it is, but there is magic under the floor.
MAR: There’s something under the floor here.
MARS: Is it just me and Cire here right now?
JAS: I think everybody’s following.
WINK: Yeah, sure.
NORTH: Yeah, I’m following with them.
MERCER: Caelum is there in a ratty ass Beavertown hoodie.
JAS: Fucking love a Beavertown hoodie.
MAR: Love a Beavertown hoodie. So, there’s something under the ground here. Do we just dig?
NORTH: I don’t think we should dig on someone’s land without their permission.
MARS: Yeah.
WINK: Couldn’t you just look for an… I don’t know, a trap door or some shit? Um… horse nerd, coming at ya with a question. We’re in a barn, right?
JAS: Mm-hmm.
WINK: Is it a barn with stalls, or just a holdin’ shit barn?
JAS: It’s a holding shit barn.
WINK: Okay.
JAS: More of shed functionality. There is large bales of hay in there, there’s a lot of tools, a lot of different farm equipment. You see a few of Henry’s rifles, you’d assume they’re Henry’s. And, you know, rope, tools, lots of that. It is less of an animal barn as it is a… [WINK: Holding shit.] Holding shit shed.
MAR: New question, looking around the barn, is there any kind of trapdoor or stairway or anything like that? A ladder leading below?
JAS: Make an Investigation check.
MAR: Could I get someone to help me?
NORTH: Yeah, yeah.
JAS: Hesperis also was making a separate one.
MAR: Are we all making separate checks?
JAS: Doesn’t matter to me, do whatever you want.
NORTH: Sixteen.
JAS: Sixteen.
WINK: Fifteen.
JAS: Fifteen.
MAR: That’s, like a nine.
MERCER: Seventeen.
JAS: Seventeen.
MAR: I think that’s like an eight.
MARS: Well they’re investigating…
MAR: Oh, no, that’s a five. I don’t have anything to Investigation.
JAS: And you had a thought?
MARS: While they’re investigating, Sylacrum puts on his splint armor.
JAS: Okay.
NORTH: Question, can Detect Traps detect trapdoors, ‘cause it has trap in the name.
JAS: [LAUGHING] No.
NORTH: Oh. I don’t have it.
JAS: Though Detect Traps is the vaguest shit ever.
MARS: I have the card, do you want me to read it real quick?
JAS: No, because I don’t care. Because, seventeen investigation check, Caelum, you are looking around, and everyone’s on the ground level, and there’s a ladder up to the hayloft. So, you go up into the hayloft, and you are just looking around, and then you pause for a second, and lean on the wall. And the wall keeps going out. And a secret door opens.
MERCER: You all hear a very pissed-off sounding, “Oh, fuck!” ‘cause he falls with the door.
JAS: You kind of stumble, and you see right in front of you, kind of a ramp that goes around a little bit, and then there is a ladder going down into the dark.
[THEME MUSIC]
