Episode 10: A New Bargain Transcript
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JAS: Henry sits in the farmhouse, his hands wrapped tightly around a mug of tea. He looks at Wayne, asking if he’s even made the right decision. Wayne shrugs before the ground beneath their feet begins to tremble. This is Next in the Order.
[THEME MUSIC]
JAS: Hello one and all, and welcome back to another episode of Next in the Order! I am your not-so-humble DM, Jas, and my people whose pronouns change, what are we feeling?
WINK: You guys are getting a gender? Hi, my name is Wink, and I use they/them, I guess? I don’t know. What pronouns have absolutely no gender attached to them whatsoever?
JAS: God, yeah.
WINK: Like, can you just put a blank anywhere that somebody would use pronouns to refer to me? Can we just have a half-second pause?
JAS: All right, and Mars?
MARS: He/him, actually.
JAS: All right.
NORTH: Interesting.
MAR: Genuine question for Wink, would you like me to not use pronouns to refer to you?
WINK: Yeah, actually. I’m gonna make y’all’s lives difficult. No pronouns for me, actually.
NORTH: What about Hesperis?
WINK: Hesperis is always she/her.
MAR: Hesperis is, in fact, a woman.
WINK: Hesperis is in fact a woman, very decidedly so, she has examined her gender.
NORTH: Under a microscope?
MAR: Yes.
NORTH: Nice.
JAS: Okay! Last session…
MAR: We got into some shit.
JAS: We did get into some shit! We found the forge of one Decadraz, a centaur who was a previous owner of Sylacrum’s notebook, that Hesperis is currently holding.
WINK: Tee-hee!
JAS: Quirky. And we saw some things in there, including a pretty sick warhammer. We also found an amp for Hesperis, so we can play music and not have to worry about it.
WINK: Woo!
JAS: No electricity needed, you got Thaumaturgy, bitch!
WINK: Bitch!
JAS: We had a conversation, a horse pulled up.
MARS: Not in a hospital, unfortunately.
JAS: Not in a hospital, but it did pull up. Makes some weird eyes at Hesperis.
[WINK MAKES A SOUND MEANT TO EVOKE WEIRD EYES, JAS IMITATES IT]
JAS: I didn’t enjoy those noises from myself. And then after the conversation with the horse, we had some back and forth, and then a strange man was there, a genasi, that Sylacrum was able to tell was Valren Hydrox.
WINK: That’s such a dickhead name.
JAS: Yeah. And he is the CEO of Hydrox, Inc. So…
WINK: Aight, so he’s like the Bruce Wayne of bullshittery.
NORTH: Sounds privileged.
MARS: No, he’s like Lex Luther… Bruce Wayne?
WINK: I have seen one (1) the Batman and twelve (12) smutty Jason Todd fics.
JAS: Fair enough.
NORTH: Don’t blame you.
JAS: Jason Todd can get it, and I’m a lesbian.
WINK: Retweet!
JAS: Can all of you at the table roll history checks just to see what we know. Except for Sylacrum, because you already rolled a history check last episode that will be transferring over, so you get a little bit more info.
NORTH: That is a seventeen.
WINK: That’s a nineteen.
MAR: I am so sorry, I am writing something in my notes before I forget.
JAS: What’s up?
MARS: You know that roll was a fucking 11, right?
JAS: Yeah, but it was enough to identify who it was.
MARS: Okay.
MAR: I think I literally have a zero to history, but we’ll see.
JAS: Would you like to roll?
MERCER: I rolled an eight.
JAS: Eight. Pain.
MAR: I rolled a fifteen, but I have a zero to history.
JAS: Okay.
MAR: It’s just a straight fifteen.
JAS: Valus and Hesperis.
WINK: Nineteen. Question, is he a corrupt leader?
JAS: Yeah.
WINK: That would explain why Hesperis knows so much.
JAS: Yeah, that would do it. So those of you who rolled above a fifteen, and Sylacrum because Sylacrum knows, I think you recognize who this is, as Valren Hydrox. He is the CEO and founder of Hydrox, Inc. He is a questionable number of years old. Older than he probably should be, like nobody knows how old this man is, but he’s been around a long-ass time. But Hydrox, Inc is relevant, because in Endless Night… Endless Night is controlled primarily by corporations, and there are three major corporations that run Endless Night. One of those being Hydrox, Inc. Hydrox, Inc is the number one and really only supplier of clean water and electricity to the entirety of Endless Night.
WINK: So, fuck that guy.
NORTH: So, he’s an asshole.
JAS: Yes, extremely likely.
WINK: So he’s like Michigan’s Nestle and also Detroit Water Company.
JAS: I was thinking a bit more like O’Hare from the Lorax, but yes.
MAR: Is it just clean water, or are they the sole supplier of other things?
JAS: Electricity.
MAR: Electricity.
JAS: Water and electricity.
MAR: I’m sorry, I was trying to write and process at the same time, and it wasn’t working.
JAS: I understand, you gotta get those complete notes.
MAR: Well, considering, there are one, two [COUNTING QUIETLY] six people at this table that rely on my notes.
WINK: I take my own notes, thank you.
MAR: You still ask me shit.
WINK: Yeah, well.
NORTH: I ask you things because you take such good notes.
JAS: I also ask Mar things, because I’m a disaster DM. Who has fewer notes than I definitely should. Well.
NORTH: Is this guy bald?
JAS: No, he has dark hair that’s kind of slicked back.
WINK: Ew.
JAS: It’s shoulder length, just a little bit longer than that.
MARS: Ew, so greasy weasel vibes.
JAS: Little bit, yeah.
WINK: So, he’s like Snape with a goatee.
NORTH: You said shoulder length?
JAS: Just a little bit longer than shoulder length. Dark black hair that’s slicked back.
WINK: Snape with a goatee.
MAR: Does his hair look intentionally slicked back, or like in a unkempt, has-not-been-taking-care-of-it is greasy and slicked back? Does he seem busy, or does it seem intentional.
JAS: It seems intentional.
MAR: Okay.
JAS: Everything… give me an Insight check, whoever wants to.
[DICE ROLLING]
NORTH: That is a ten.
MAR: That’s a six.
MERCER: Natural one.
WINK: That’s a ten.
NORTH: Caelum’s like, no.
MARS: Dirty 20.
JAS: Dirty 20. Sylacrum, this man, everything about his appearance is calculated. Like, you can tell that he is extremely well-put together, and this was a thought-out decision. Meanwhile Cire and Caelum, you’re just like, yeah, his hair is slicked back. It kinda gross. So. I should add, he is very handsome, but in a slimeball way.
NORTH: Like an American Psycho kind of way?
WINK: So the way that Snapewives thought about Snape?
JAS: I’m going to have a breakdown if you mention the Snapewives again. If you don’t know, Google it. i don’t want to have to explain.
NORTH: Anyway, slimeball.
JAS: And he just asked to make a deal about something that you all just found. He didn’t specify what. But something that y’all just found. What do you do? Or do you just stand and look at this man.
MAR: You’ll have to be more specific about what you want.
JAS: He says, (as Valren) Well, word got around that one Henry had a mysterious glowing crack in the ground. Now anybody who’s anybody would know immediately what that is.
WINK: Are you calling me a nobody?
JAS: (as Valren) Your words, not mine.
NORTH: You’re doing great in this deal, so far.
WINK: Yes, it seems like if you want something from us, you should be nice to us?
JAS: (as Valren) Oh, I would like to make it clear, I am not asking. I am being incredibly generous, and I will offer you a hefty sum of money - enough to keep you not in just comfort, but luxury, for all of the rest of your lives - including you elves - should you hand over the piece of the Fissure Core.
WINK: I don’t think we will. And Hesperis is very hostile towards this guy. Like she has this air of, “Oh, I can pretend to be nice to you, but only because I want to.”
MAR: I’m interested to know how you found out about Henry’s issue.
JAS: (as Valren) I have ears in all the right places.
MAR: All the right places, including a ranch in the middle of Autumn?
JAS: (as Valren) Not just a ranch.
WINK: It’s hard to have ears in a lot of places when your head is all the way up your ass.
NORTH: So, what? You hire cows now, to listen out for you?
WINK: More like donkeys, with how far his head is up his ass!
MAR: (quietly) Hesperis, please.
JAS: (as Valren) You are being incredibly insolent. And I will do my best not to take it as an insult at this moment in time.
WINK: If only you knew where I came from.
JAS: He gives you a once over, and he says (as Valren) It would be quite easy for me to send you back where you belong.
WINK: I would take you with me so you could fulfill your purpose.
JAS: (as Valren) And what do you think that is?
WINK: Is now a good time for Hesperis to go on her spiel? Like, genuinely, is now a good time for that?
JAS: I think a little bit of it, I think not the full thing.
WINK: Just her purpose of people?
JAS: Yeah.
WINK: Where I come from, everything has a purpose. Humans, or people, have two purposes. You give your strength, and you give your compassion. You cannot give your compassion without giving your strength, but if you use your strength without compassion, you will use your strength for the good of many. Not just for your own.
JAS: (as Valren) You’re cute.
WINK: Thank you.
JAS: (as Valren) Now, look. I know you have it. (as DM) And he actually flicks a hand. Whose bag has the Fissure Core in it? Who has it?
MARS: It’s in Sylacrum’s back.
JAS: Literally, he flicks a hand, and you feel it detach from you, Sylacrum. And make its way over, it just floats in the air for a moment.
MARS: Okay, first off, rude. Second off, fuck you. Third off, you look like you need a bath, and remember how I created water for the little dragon? [JAS: Mm-hmm.] Yeah, same spiel, just [IMITATES WATER].
JAS: He Counterspells it. Doesn’t even blink, just [COUNTERSPELL SOUND]. It’s gone.
WINK: Sylacrum, this is a water genasi.
MARS: To be fair, I just got… a little bit frazzled, here.
WINK: That’s fair…
MAR: Let’s not resort to violence, please?
WINK: I have not resorted to violence yet.
MAR: No, you haven’t. But with the group I am currently a part of, I think it bears repeating. Do not resort to violence.
WINK: I’m not going to, I would just like to remind our new visitor that he just overheard our conversation about using our words and saying please and thank you before just taking something from someone, and I would like to remind him that that rule applies to everyone, not just people who can’t afford to pay bribes and fines.
JAS: (as Valren) Then let’s make a deal. Please.
WINK: You have to ask before you take it, so give it back, and then try again.
JAS: (as Valren) I think you would do wise to listen to your friend.
WINK: I have not resorted to violence yet.
JAS: (as Valren) And you would do well to not. (as DM) And he says, (as Valren) Fine, we’ll do this on your terms. And he flicks his hand back and it goes and very roughly inserts itself back into Sylacrum.
MARS: Ugh. At least buy me dinner first.
JAS: He rolls his eyes, almost audibly.
MAR: It’s not a good business practice for all parties not to go into a deal with full knowledge of what they’re getting into.
JAS: (as Valren) Fair enough. You speak well. (as DM) And he looks at you all and says, (as Valren) I am asking, for the Fissure Core Fragment. This is the only time I will ask. It would behoove you to take my deal.
MAR: You have not offered us a deal, you have given us a demand.
JAS: This deal: I leave you alone. I send you with enough money to live comfortably… and you tell no one of this. You go and you live your lives, chase stories, or do whatever it is you do. And I take the Fissure Core Fragment. That is all I ask. Honestly, I’m being rather generous. I don’t usually negotiate.
WINK: Two things. Firstly, I believe you promised on your end of the deal there would be “lives of luxury.” Also, it is my purpose to tell stories, and I will never promise to not tell a story. So you cannot buy my silence, no matter the price.
JAS: (as Valren) Interesting.
NORTH: So, what? You pay us for an NDA, and just take all we came for.
JAS: (as Valren) Pretty much. It sounds like a fair deal to me.
MERCER: What are you going to do with it?
JAS: (as Valren) It’s none of your business.
MERCER: You’re trying to buy it off of us, I think that it is.
JAS: (as Valren) Well, since you asked, I will use this to help enhance the electricity across all the seasons, not just Endless Night and Winter. I will be able to provide clean water to everyone.
MAR: At what cost?
JAS: (as Valren) The price of doing business.
MERCER: [SCOFFS] With who?
MAR: [ANGRILY] And how do you know that the people across all of the seasons want your technology!?
MARS: They don’t!
MAR: [ANGRILY] I left Winter! Intentionally, and you think I’m just going to hand over something that will let you turn the rest of Citarya into some cheap imitation of what you think is best?
WINK: Well put, my friend.
MARS: No, he’s not going to do what he thinks is best. Because big man lives in a big old tower somewhere, whereas most of the people in Endless Night live on the streets, drinking the sludge that comes out of your big old city.
JAS: He looks at you, sees your holy symbol, and says, [as Valren] Maybe Oathar’s light just doesn’t shine quite well on you.
MARS: Oh, blow it out your ass. The light of Oathar wouldn’t shine on anything as dark as your soul.
NORTH: How do you even know this would work? We don’t even know. This thing is incredibly dangerous.
JAS: [as Valren] Exactly. That’s why it belongs in my hands. Because I know what to do with it.
MAR: You know what you want to do with it.
JAS: [as Valren] I’ve seen the research. I know how it works. Which is not what I can say for you. You picked it up with your bare hands?!
WINK: And survived.
NORTH: And attuned.
JAS: And he laughs. It’s upsetting. I can’t quite get down there, but… [as Valren] You know, attuning isn’t all it takes. Do you know why this got buried?
MARS: Working on it. But, you know, I can probably put the pieces together, as they say.
JAS: [as Valren] Because Decadraz lost his mind. Keen mind, what a shame it was to lose. He was such a good soldier for me.
MAR: How old are you?
JAS: [as Valren] Old enough.
MAR: That’s not an answer.
JAS: [as Valren] That’s the best you’re going to get.
MARS: Damn, I’ve heard a better comeback from a fucking toddler.
WINK: Not everything is a rap battle.
JAS: He says, [as Valren] Look. My offer is out there, you have heard it now. I’ll give you some time to think. And you’ll want to think well on it, because if you decide not to take my deal, then I am going to make each of your lives a living hell. I swear to you that there is no place on the face of Citarya that I cannot reach. You understand?
MAR: Perfectly.
WINK: I can think of a couple of places that you could only reach if we wanted you to, and then, you could not reach out. Tall drink of water, indeed.
MAR: You say you’ll give us some time.
JAS: [as Valren] Mm-hmm.
MAR: I think it’s only fair to put a number on it.
JAS: [as Valren] Seven days. You’ve one week to decide. Simply say my name, and I will be there.
MERCER: What, will you be scrying on us?
JAS: [as Valren] No. I said earlier, I have ears everywhere. I’ll let you think on it. [as DM] And he Teleports away.
NORTH: Just like?
JAS: Gone.
NORTH: Can I get a visual of this? Is it just like he’s like “I’ll let you think on this” and he’s just [POP] gone? Or is there some kind of visual thing with this?
[LAUGHTER]
JAS: So, as he…
MAR: What level spell is Teleport? First, let me ask: would Cire know what level spell Teleport is?
JAS: You can make an Arcana check.
NORTH: I wanna make an Arcana check, I’m good at that.
JAS: Yeah.
MAR: Nineteen.
NORTH: Oh.
WINK: Can I retcon a perception check? To see what color the horse’s eyes were, and also what color this dude’s eyes are?
JAS: I mentioned it to you; the eyes were green. If you wanna make a perception check on… it’s seventh level, I am right.
MAR: Sylacrum, or, Mars, what level is Create Water.
MARS: Second. No, first, sorry.
MAR: First, okay. So a normal level Counterspell would have gotten to it.
JAS: Yeah, Teleport’s a seventh level. 10 on a perception check? Honestly, I think that’s something that Hesperis, if she was looking for it, would have been able to see with a 10.
WINK: Okay.
MAR: What was the other spell he used?
NORTH: He just Counterspelled and Teleported.
MAR: He Counterspelled and Teleported…
JAS: He also, you don’t know what spell it was, but he was able to grab the Fissure Core out of Sylacrum’s back.
NORTH: It couldn’t have been Mage Hand, ‘cause the thing’s over five pounds, surely? The Fissure Core Fragment?
JAS: The Fissure Core Fragment is less than five pounds, yeah.
NORTH: Oh, okay.
MAR: Less than five pounds, so it could have been Mage Hand.
JAS: Could’ve been! You don’t know.
MAR: So it doesn’t give me any more information to know about that, but I know that he at least has access to seventh level spells.
JAS: Yeah.
MAR: Okay, cool! So we would… uh… talk shit get hit?
WINK: Teehee.
JAS: But you would have noticed that they were blue.
WINK: For context, I was wondering if he was looking at me through the horse’s eyes, which would have been [SINGSONG] weird as shit!
JAS: No, the horse’s eyes were green, like a way-too-vibrant green. He Teleports away. What do you do?
NORTH: Well, that was… interesting, to say the least.
MAR: I don’t think we should talk about it here.
NORTH: Where, then?
MAR: We could go in the forge.
NORTH: And Hesperis just wait up here?
WINK: By myself? With that creep on the loose?
MAR: No… forgot about the ladder.
WINK: If you aren’t here to be my self-control, I will talk shit get hit.
MAR: [LAUGHS]
MERCER: I will wait with you.
MAR: No, we should all be there. I just…
WINK: Maybe we could go back to the house?
MERCER: No, I don’t…
MAR: I just… I want to find somewhere he doesn’t have… eyes. Somewhere protected, if we could. Does anyone know of anywhere we might be able to be protected from the kind of magic like Scrying?
WINK: Not in this country.
MERCER: The Inner Wheel is not too far.
MAR: Would it protect from…?
MERCER: Things are not the same there as they are here. Many of the people that travel there don’t particularly like magic. And some of them have things that prevent it.
MAR: How far are we from the Inner Wheel?
MERCER: How far are we from the Inner Wheel?
JAS: You’re pretty close. Taking… you could probably get into the edge of the Inner Wheel with literally like two days’ travel, so not bad at all, to get in like, the thick of it though, you would probably need like a good six days’ travel.
MAR: We only have seven days.
MERCER: To get into the wheel it would take about two days, but, uh, to get really into it it would be almost a week. I don’t know…
MAR: And we only have a week to think on it.
MARS: Well, I have another idea.
MAR: What is it?
MARS: How long would it take us to get to Endless Night?
MAR: Longer.
JAS: Longer.
NORTH: I also feel like if there was anywhere that he had spies, it would be Endless Night.
JAS: Yeah, y’all are near Endless Day. So, like, it would take you a while.
MAR: How far are we from Endless Day?
JAS: I’d say also about a week’s travel.
WINK: How far are we from Spring?
MAR: Spring’s the opposite side of the wheel, isn’t it?
JAS: Yeah, Spring is directly opposite.
MAR: So, farther than Endless-
JAS: You would have to travel through the Inner Wheel, around the Wasteland Forest, and then on the other side of the Inner Wheel, into Spring.
WINK: But even if it took us a full week to get there…
JAS: It would take a full week just to get into the middle of the Inner Wheel. It would take much, much longer to get to Spring.
MAR: Maybe there’s a place in Autumn that has some kind of sanctuary from that type of magic? Prying eyes, or…?
MERCER: There are temples around here that probably would. Temples for Theradite.
MARS: I remembered something. ‘Cause I have the background sage, and the feature that comes with sage is “Research,” which is essentially, you know where to find information, or how to get that information, or just flat-out know something. Could I roll and see if Sylacrum would know of a place where no magic exists in Autumn? ‘Cause I feel like that would have to be a dice roll ‘cause that is so oddly specific.
JAS: Yeah, you can roll a history check.
MARS: So it’s a 17 on the roll, plus five, so twenty two.
JAS: What you’re looking for is not really a thing that exists. Like, there are places that magic isn’t allowed but would still be possible. It would just be breaking the law. Generally, across Autumn, because Autumn is constructed of city-states, that’s fairly rare. There is probably one place, still about a week’s journey away just to get to the other place, further out. A week to a week and a half’s journey to get there. To have no magic at all, and that’s just where magic is illegal. Doesn’t necessarily mean. But you also would know that in the Inner Wheel, magic is so highly frowned upon and stigmatized that you just kinda don’t.
MAR: Is there a way we could create something that would keep us… he says he has ears, and I don’t know if he means magical ears or just a lot of connections or what, but I don’t want him to know the specifics of what we’re talking about. Or what we’re thinking, or… I don’t want him to hear us say the wrong thing and decide that a week is no longer appropriate.
WINK: Hesperis is going to pull her pear out of her backpack. I have an idea. And it may not work here, I haven’t tried it outside of Spring, but this is a Pear Phone.
NORTH: I can only think of Victorious.
WINK: Yes, that’s where the joke came from. But, this is a Pear Phone.
JAS: As explained in Episode 2.
WINK: As explained in Episode 2. This might be metagaming, but I don’t want to waste my only pear phone not knowing if… do you have to actually speak the words, or can you just think them?
JAS: You can think them.
WINK: Okay. Cool. And each time you take a bite, you can think a thought. Okay. This is a Pear Phone. Does anybody have a knife I could borrow?
MERCER: Caelum pulls a dagger from his side, hands it over.
WINK: Sure, this can work. And then Hesperis takes the dagger and slices the pear [COUNTING] five ways.
MARS: While Hes is doing that, Sylacrum’s gonna go, don’t give me a piece of that. I have a theory, but I don’t want to say it out loud in case I am right.
WINK: In which case you should take a piece so you can think it to us. This basically works like Message, she’s explaining to the party now. This basically works like Message, but without the speaking part. You take a bite of your slice of the pear and you think with intention, and it sort of works like a group chat. In your brain. So you would- if we each had a slice and I took a bite and thought, “I fucked your mom last night,” then you would hear my voice in your brain going, “I fucked your mom last night,” and that’s how it works.
NORTH: Now, would I only be able to hear the one time you tell me you fucked my mom, or would it be a conversation back and forth?
WINK: If you wanted to say something to me, then you would take a bite of your pear, but it also shows up in everybody else’s brain, everybody else who has a slice of the pear. It shows up to them too, so you kind of have to be careful of not talking shit behind people’s back if they have a piece of the pear.
NORTH: Okay, so, like, out of character, that means, per bite you take, you get one thought.
WINK: Yes, you get one-
MAR: Message.
WINK: Message, so like…
MAR: And is there a word limit like with Sending?
JAS: No, but it’s like a sentence-ish.
WINK: It’s like a complete thought.
MAR: Right.
NORTH: So you have to be careful what you say.
WINK: Like you probably couldn’t lore dump to me. Because it would be more than one complete thought.
MAR: It’s like how anyone who texts like a normal person, if they have multiple complete thoughts, they’ll send it in different texts.
WINK: If you’re my mother, you send them all in one text and put like 3 “enter”s between them. Hey Judith, what the fuck.
JAS: What’s the reverse of shoutouts? Reverse shoutout to Judith.
MAR: Anyway, it’s worth a try, I guess.
WINK: And so she hands everybody a piece of the pear, and she takes a bite and goes, “Is this thing on?”
JAS: You all have five bites each. So track ‘em. Track your own bites, ‘cause it is, as long as you have the pear in your mouth, right? It’s like minutes on your phone.
WINK: Essentially, yes.
JAS: I had a flip phone back in the day.
WINK: Please say that out loud.
MERCER: I wrote to keep track of my bites, phone salad yummy yummy.
MAR: I wrote to keep track of my bites, the word “bytes” but as in like a gigabyte.
JAS: Yes.
NORTH: Getting straight to business, Valus is going to take a bite and think to Sylacrum-
WINK: Everyone can hear it.
MAR: Can we hear the intention, like as if you put like, @Sylacrum on Discord?
WINK: Yes.
NORTH: I would just look at Sylacrum while I’m saying this.
MAR: Okay.
NORTH: To make that easier. So Valus takes a bite and looking at Sylacrum, thinking to everyone says, “So what’s your idea?”
MARS: I think he’s using part of the pieces in me to track us. And Sylacrum’s gonna hold up a finger and just like move part of the splint armor. I’m gonna say it wrong but the [mispronounced] Kevlar.
MAR: Kevlar.
MARS: Yeah. Out of the way, and on his right side you essentially see about halfway over in his right chest is normal flesh and blood and tissue, and well. You know what I mean. But past that is clear acrylic and what looks to be three different color tubes pumping some type of liquid towards where his heart should be, out towards the rest of his body.
MAR: Cire’s not going to take a bite of her pear, but she is going to cast Detect Magic and specifically focus on Sylacrum.
JAS: Okay, roll a Charisma check to see how well - spellcasting check. You know what I mean.
MAR: Do I use my proficiency?
JAS: Yes.
MAR: Twenty five. That is a natural twenty.
JAS: Excellent. There is no tracking magic. With that, I will tell you straight up. You can see that there’s quite a bit of magic in Sylacrum that there’s just a lot of residual magic from doing magic, you can even see the magic of the pear as it travels in Sylacrum’s throat and it’s kinda weird. But you can see all of the machinations keeping Sylacrum going, with the kind of blend of technology and magic, right? But you don’t see anything tracking. You also don’t see anything scrying, not even around y’all. Just looking around generally. But you can also feel the magic of the forge beneath y’all. There was something powerful there.
WINK: But yeah, so looking at Sylacrum, out loud, Hesperis is going to say: That is so gross! But in a fascinated way, in a like… none of y’all were in my bio lab last semester. But we got to grind up bugs to make bug juice so we could test them for enzymes. And that was so disgusting, I loved it. [LAUGHS] Bug juice, fuck yeah.
MARS: Sylacrum’s gonna respond and just say: well, it hurt like a bitch when it happened, so…
WINK: Eh, most cool things do hurt.
MARS: You have no idea.
MAR: Cire is going to take a bite and say to Sylacrum: There’s no tracking magic in you. And, with the natural twenty I got, like, the confidence that comes with rolling a natural twenty, right?
JAS: Yes. Yes. You are like, “I cast this spell SO well.”
MAR: There’s no tracking magic.
MARS: Okay.
NORTH: Valus is gonna take a bite and say: what if it’s not magic?
MARS: Sylacrum’s gonna take a bite and just go: well, it’s not tech, because before I put anything in me, we fucking deep scrub that shit. It’s how I’m not arrested.
MAR: If there’s anything technology based that was doing this, we would have some indication that there was electricity, and it almost feels like it would take magic to track electricity into Autumn. That’s a huge undertaking.
MARS: Yeah. And Sylacrum says this out loud.
MAR: For what I just said -
JAS: Uh, you can just do one.
MARS: Sylacrum says this out loud and just goes, oh, son of a bitch. And pretty much just yanks their wing off and sends it kind of halfway across the barn. And just yanks like four of those big-ass batteries that they used a couple sessions ago. Then takes a bite: they’re Hydrox, if that’s anything.
MERCER: Caelum is going to take a bite: It would make sense for the person in charge of an industry to be able to track their own creations.
NORTH: Valus is going to take another bite. If he is tracking your batteries, what do we do then?
MARS: Takes a bite out of the pear. I am going to be one-winged for a bit. Because my wing won’t have any power until I can either get back to Winter or find something else.
MERCER: Caelum’s gonna take another bite. Are there any other companies that make batteries that powerful.
MARS: No. And Sylacrum just shakes their head. And kind of just walks over to where their wing is and makes the motion with their hand of ‘keep talking’ and starts pulling off the smith’s tools from their wing, and starts to work on their wing in a certain way.
MERCER: Caelum’s gonna take yet another bite. Would the Fissure Core have enough energy to power your wing.
MARS: Sylacrum’s still not taking another bite, just kind of turns around and shrugs and mimics a ka-boom explosion. And then takes a bite of the pear and goes: it might. If I don’t blow up first.
MAR: Cire takes a bite and says, “I think it’s up to you. If it’s you who’s at risk it should be your decision.”
MARS: Sylacrum takes a bite - and this is their last bite of the pear, and they go, if it gets attached to me, all they have to do is make some chicken strips. If it gets attached to the wing, all we have to do is protect the sh- and it cuts off as the pear runs out.
NORTH: Now that Sylacrum has no pears, if I were to do this whole thought process, would they still be able to hear it?
JAS: Yes. Sylacrum would still be able - is still a part of the conversation but cannot speak anymore.
NORTH: Okay, I’m going to, or Valus is going to take another bite and say, well, if you’re going to fuck with that thing, I’m going to back up.
WINK: Just out loud, Hesperis goes, yeah… me too.
MAR: Out loud, without biting the pear, Cire says, agreed.
MARS: Cire?
MAR: Yes?
MARS: Pass me the hammer.
MERCER: Caelum is going to take a bite. Before you do that, maybe we should find somewhere safe that’s not the middle of some guy’s ranch?
MARS: Yeah, we’re going downstairs.
MERCER: He’s going to say out loud, that is still in the middle of a barn, in the middle of some guy’s ranch!
MARS: But the equipment is here.
MAR: I say we do it. That was a bite.
NORTH: Valus is going to take his last bite and very desperately say, can we please talk to Henry first? This is… his space.
MAR: Do we want to drag Henry into it?
WINK: Out loud, Hesperis is going to say, I’m going to go talk to Wayne for a little while, just to get a couple of recipes for the road, and then she and Cricket - is Cricket still there?
JAS: Cricket has left.
WINK: Okay, never mind then.
JAS: Cricket did not like…
WINK: Did not like Sleazy McSlimeball?
JAS: Cricket did not like Valren Hydrox.
WINK: So yeah, Hesperis is just going to… yeah, I think I will use the word ‘flounce’. Hesperis is going to flounce out of the barn and go back to the farmhouse in search of Wayne.
JAS: Yeah, that’s totally doable.
NORTH: For viewers that don’t know what the word flounce means, can you give us a visual?
JAS: A visual? On a podcast?
NORTH: Well, I mean like describe.
WINK: She just kind of like… okay, so she’s wearing an overall skirt thing, right? And it’s got a couple of petticoats under it, and she kind of turns and her skirt swirls and she kind of like bouncy-walks out of the barn.
MAR: This has been a definition of the word flounce.
NORTH: It’s me. I’m viewers that don’t know what flounce means.
JAS: We knew.
MAR: We knew, you didn’t have to say it.
MARS: Man, this professor’s kind of a dipshit.
WINK: No, the professor is very smart, it’s…
NORTH: I didn’t say Valus didn’t know what flounce meant, I said I didn’t know what flounce meant.
MAR: This is why you main stupid boys.
JAS: Except for Valus.
NORTH: I think…
MAR: No! Valus is still a stupid boy.
NORTH: Socially. I think IRL, Valus’ and I’s strength and intellect stats are swapped.
[THEME MUSIC]
JAS: Some ads? In your episode of NITO? It’s more likely than you’d think! Hey guys, it’s Jas and I’m here to do the ads, if you couldn’t tell by my terrible, awful, outdated meme intro. First off, we’ve got Buzzsprout. If you’ve got an idea for a podcast, why don’t you head over to Buzzsprout and check out all of their hosting prowess. Their hosting capabilities. Buzzsprout is the easiest and best place to launch your own podcast. If you’ve got a podcast, you need to get it out to the world, and the best way to do that is through a hosting site. They do all the hard work for you, you just gotta make your episode and hit the magic upload button, and you will find yourselves in Apple Music, Spotify, and tons and tons of other podcatchers out there. Just head on over to use the link in our description of the episode and as a bonus you’ll get a $20 Amazon gift card with a paid account. See why over 100,000 podcasters choose Buzzsprout for their podcast hosting needs.
JAS: Also, you can head on over to patreon.com/nextintheorder to support the show! We’ve got some content - pretty soon we’re going to have a bonus video where we go to the inspiration for Ye Olde Beavertown, that is Buc-ees, and we take Mar their for their first-ever trip. You should see that probably… next week, question mark? Depends on if I get it edited in time, oops. And you can also join our patrons-only Discord server, where we talk sometimes while we’re recording, or just randomly we’ll pop in with some memes, some ideas, help us play a prank - or you can even have your name on the show! We’ve got some of those coming up in the near future, but not yet. That is at patreon.com/nextintheorder.
JAS: Also, we have a Ko-fi [pronounced to rhyme with “wi-fi”], ko-fi [pronounced like ‘coffee’], however you say it, you can still donate to us just one time, no commitment, no worries, if you’re like, “I’ve only got a dollar,” you can slide that dollar over our way over on Ko-fi. That is ko-fi.com/nextintheorder. ko-fi.com/nextintheorder.
JAS: Lastly, thank you to Magic Sword for the use of their song “Battlefield (Dance With the Dead Remix),” as the theme song for our show. They’re a great band, great tunes, you already know it, you can find all of those and more in the description of the episode. That’s all from me for now, I will talk to you later, buh-bye!
[THEME MUSIC]
MAR: My last note is, “Cricket did not like Valren Hydrox.”
JAS: Yeah. Cricket didn’t like Valren and Hesperis went up to the house.
WINK: Cool.
NORTH: What is the decision that’s been made?
MARS: If Jas is cool with this, I’m gonna have Sylacrum try and put the fragment into a kind of shield, for the time being.
NORTH: So the wing would become a shield, or…?
MARS: Yeah. So it’s harder to fucking take a big-ass shield than a plate-sized disc that could, y’know. Ka-boom.
JAS: You can certainly try. [LAUGHS]
MAR: God, that’s a terrifying sentence to hear from the DM.
NORTH: That is an absolutely terrifying sentence to hear from the DM, and exactly why Valus is going to fly out of the barn and into the air to watch this from above.
JAS: Do you want to go to Hesperis talking to Wayne?
WINK: Sure.
JAS: It’s easy enough to find him, he’s in the house, I don’t know if you call out for him… like?
WINK: I just go into the house and go, hello?
JAS: [as Wayne] In here, sweetheart.
NORTH: Is he a househusband?
JAS: For sure!
MAR: Fully.
WINK: Um, please let him be lounging in like… fancy undies and a sheer robe. That would just make my fucking day.
JAS: He is not, but he is folding laundry right now.
WINK: Okay.
JAS: And he kinda, like you hear his voice come from his and Henry’s bedroom. What you know, but he’s like, [as Wayne] Come on in!
WINK: So Hesperis is going to kind of walk up to him and go - and kiss him on the cheek again! Just because she’s cute like that. And she’s going to say, um, I was just wondering if you guys had a well on the property that I could visit.
JAS: [as Wayne] A well - well.
WINK: Or a spring, or any source of water.
JAS: [as Wayne] Oh yeah, we’ve got a little pond that - it’s on the cow pasture, but…
WINK: It would need to be a source of fresh water.
JAS: [as Wayne] Well, there is - not on the property - there is a river. It’s, it goes through this area, it’s on John’s property. You can go visit him, he’s fine.
WINK: And Hesperis goes, so you don’t have your own source of fresh water on your property?
JAS: [as Wayne] We have a pump. We could…
WINK: Where does it come from?
JAS: [as Wayne] It comes from an underground source.
WINK: Underground as in like, beneath the surface, or underground as in like, illicit.
JAS: [as Wayne] It’s groundwater, lovebug.
WINK: Okay, I just wanted to be sure. So you do have a well somewhere?
JAS: [as Wayne] Not a well, a pump, but yeah.
WINK: But the pump draws water from a well… the groundwater.
JAS: [as Wayne] Semantics, I guess.
WINK: So you do have your own water source?
JAS: [as Wayne] Yeah.
WINK: Have you ever heard of Hydrox?
JAS: [as Wayne] I heard about Hydrox when… you know, Henry and I, we actually honeymooned in Endless Night. That’s when he got his eye, you know? His fancy eye. But Hydrox was all over there. I don’t know much about them, if I’m being honest, but…
WINK: Can I do an insight check?
JAS: Yeah.
WINK: That’s a thirteen plus numbers. Plus four, that’s a seventeen.
JAS: He’s shooting straight with you.
WINK: Okay.
NORTH: Is there aviary travel between the seasons? Like, could I buy a plane ticket and go from Sp- well, obviously not Spring, but like. Winter to Endless Day or Endless Night?
MAR: Winter and Endless Night, maybe?
JAS: So, in Winter, Endless Night, and Summer, there are several different places that have airports, right? There is one airport in Autumn, and there is none in Spring and none in Endless Day. So do with that what you will.
NORTH: I just didn’t know if they had flown to Endless Night or just traveled and traveled and traveled and traveled.
JAS: Yeah.
WINK: Where did you get Henry’s eye?
JAS: [SINGSONG] Give me just a second!
MAR: Wink, digging for lore.
JAS: Jas, trying to find the name.
WINK: Wink, trying to subtly dig for lore without asking if they are rats.
NORTH: I feel like Henry getting the eye in Endless Night is like getting laser eye surgery in Columbia.
[LAUGHTER]
WINK: Okay, you say that, but I have an aunt that goes to Mexico for all of her dental work.
NORTH: Oh, no, one of my exes went to Columbia and got Lasik surgery for like $500.
WINK: Damn.
JAS: He says [as Wayne] Well, one of the other big names over there is Ozrum they are… they kind of do all the healthcare over there. And also all of the cybernetics and shit.
MAR: Spelling?
JAS: O-Z-R-U-M
WINK: [WITH A SOUTHERN ACCENT] Exactly like it sounds, babydoll.
JAS: [SIMILAR ACCENT] Exactly like it sounds, babydoll.
MAR: Never call me babydoll.
JAS: [LAUGHING] Okay, got it! [as Wayne] Yeah, well we were there, they were offering it for fairly cheap, and Henry got into a farming accident years ago, before we met, and they told him that they could replace his eye, and fix it on up, and he’s got some special features in there. Lets him see in the dark, and he can kinda zoom in and make sure the cows are doing okay, even standing at the farmhouse. It’s rather convenient, it’s proven.
WINK: I would imagine so. Has he noticed any bugs in it lately? Maybe he couldn’t control it fully?
JAS: [as Wayne] Not that I know of. I mean…
WINK: Okay. That seems like the kind of thing you would discuss with your spouse.
JAS: [as Wayne] Yeah, I mean… we tell each other pretty much everything, but that’s not something he’s brought up. He’s kind of the “suffer in silence” type, so, maybe I might wring something out of him about it. But… I’ll ask him later. Why do you ask, if you don’t mind me asking.
WINK: Just had an odd encounter with someone a little while ago.
JAS: [as Wayne] Here on the farm?!
WINK: Just a while ago. No need to worry, it’s not relevant to you.
JAS: [as Wayne] Well, lovebug, if something’s happening on the farm… you know, y’all been so kind.
WINK: Well, okay. Something might be happening on the farm, but it’s nothing… it’s maybe something you should be worried about. Um, how flammable is your barn?
JAS: The look of absolute concern passes his face.
NORTH: This is going great.
JAS: [as Wayne] Well, considering it’s made out of wood…
WINK: And full of hay!
JAS: [as Wayne]… and has a hayloft, full of hay, I’d imagine it’s quite flammable. You planning to burn down my barn?
WINK: Oh, I’m not planning to! It just might be an unfortunate side effect of a little experiment that my friend is performing… underground, beneath your barn. Haha!
JAS: [as Wayne] Beneath- beneath the barn?!
WINK: Oh yes, Decadraz’s forge is beneath the barn. You weren’t aware?
JAS: [as Wayne] What… in the absolute fuck?
[EVERYONE LAUGHS]
JAS: Uh, he’s like… stopped folding his laundry, and is just staring forward.
WINK: Standing there with a pair of like, white boxers with hearts all over them, like held up in front of him.
JAS: And he actually walks past you out of the room, and he kind of gestures for you to follow, and then he leans out the door and goes, [as Wayne] Henry! Get yo’ ass up here!
WINK: [LAUGHTER]
JAS: And Henry’s like, down in the cow pasture and you can see his head kinda turn, like a mile away, and he kind of just starts to job briskly towards the house. And it takes like a solid two minutes for him to get there.
NORTH: It’s like the Monty Python- [LAUGHTER]
JAS: And Henry finally makes it up to the house, and he goes, [as Henry] What do you need me for? What’s going on? And Wayne goes, [as Wayne] Honey, did you know there’s a… you said it was a forge?
WINK: Yes. Decadraz’s forge.
JAS: [as Wayne] Did you know? Under our barn, there’s a forge? And Henry looks up at him and goes, [as Henry] What in the hell are you talking about?
JAS: He goes, [as Wayne] That’s what she’s saying, there’s a forge. [as themself] Henry turns to you and goes, [as Henry] Now, how’d you discover such a thing?
WINK: My friend fell through the wall.
JAS: [as Henry] Fell- fell- which one? Are they okay?
WINK: Oh, yes, he’s fine. Mostly. He’s physically fine. Emotionally, I’m not so sure.
[MERCER LAUGHS]
JAS: They look at each other and have a whole-ass silent conversation. And then turn back to you, and then Henry says, [as Henry] Would you mind showing us the forge?
WINK: Oh, I can’t show it to you, I don’t fuck with ladders.
JAS: [as Henry] Okay, well, at least take us to the ladder.
WINK: Well, it’s in the barn.
JAS: [as Henry] Okay!
WINK: It’s up the hayloft. You have to go up ladder to the hayloft and then down another ladder into the forge from the hayloft.
JAS: [as Henry] Well, that’s just unnecessarily confusing!
WINK: Well, it’s a secret forge, you would want it to be confusing so that no one would accidentally find it, even though someone did accidentally find it, so that was pretty useless.
JAS: And Wayne says, [as Wayne] I think we should see what she’s talking about. And Henry says, [as Henry] I absolutely agree. Let’s go see - would you mind taking us at least… walking us to the barn?
WINK: Yes, of course. Um, if you don’t mind me asking, I met your horse, Cricket. She’s very sweet - I hope you don’t mind, I gave her a sugar cube.
JAS: [as Henry] I do not mind at all, sweetheart, Cricket’s one of our sweetest mares.
WINK: Yes, she’s very sweet. She did not like one of my friends so much, but that’s just because he’s very excitable. Um, so.
JAS: [as Henry] You know, she’s picky about her people. I think she can tell. Like, she really likes me and Wayne, but one of our ranch hands, she just will not go near.
WINK: After I show you to the barn, will you introduce me to this ranch hand that will not go near? I might be able to give him some tips on how to win horses over better.
JAS: [as Henry] I don’t see why not.
WINK: Thank you… dearly? She’s trying to be very sweet in like, their Southern way, but she’s not quite sure how.
JAS: [LAUGHS] Aw!
WINK: But she has an 18 to Charisma, so it works.
JAS: Right. They’re both absolutely charmed by Hesperis. And walk on over to the barn.
NORTH: I feel like this entire conversation from the point of mentioning “how flammable is your barn” has just become a fever dream.
[LAUGHTER]
JAS: A little bit, yes.
MAR: Little bit, definitely.
JAS: What are the rest of you talking about, after Hesperis leaves? Yeah, you just dipped out.
WINK: We kind of just want context as to what Hesperis, Henry, and Wayne walk into.
MAR: Sylacrum, what are you planning to do with the hammer, before I give it to you.
MARS: Well, I need to break the wing first. And then… you know, heat the metal, melt it a little bit…
MAR: Don’t you have your own hammer?
MARS: No, I have a war pick. It’s basically my cane.
MAR: Uh- okay.
MARS: I have smith’s tools. I just need something- you see how big that wing is? Little hammer not going to break wing. I need big hammer!
MAR: But you assemble and disassemble the wing all the time, why can’t you just disassemble it, why do you need to break it?
MARS: Why do I need to break it?
MAR: Yes!
MARS: I have to break the frame. There’s a wing, right? It’s got a frame on the inside, and I keep shit attached to the frame. I’m breaking the frame so I can make a shield out of it.
MAR: Okay.
JAS: It took me way too long to realize you were saying “frame” and not “flame.”
MAR: Here’s my… apprehension, I suppose. If we’re in as precarious a situation as I fear we are, we might need this hammer, and I don’t want to do something that might damage it. If you don’t need the magic hammer, there’s literally a forge downstairs, is there not a normal hammer that you can use?
MARS: I mean, yeah, but…
MAR: He Teleported. I don’t want to give up any advantage we possibly have against someone that powerful.
MARS: It’s not like we have many choices here.
MAR: No, but…
MARS: Unless you can somehow get us to the Forever Sea so we can you know… [WHOOSHING SOUND] and chuck the thing in the ocean!
MAR: No, but… I think - You’re right, we don’t have many choices, so I think the choices we do have we need to be especially careful about. Like picking the right hammer for the job.
MARS: All right, fine, let’s go take a look at it. And Sylacrum just starts walking back up the ladder towards the…
MAR: I will be staying here. You can come get the hammer, if it turns out you need it, but I’m not going to be in the forge with you when you do this.
MARS: That’s fine by me.
MAR: It’s your choice, and your risk, and you’re not risking my life too.
MARS: I wasn’t asking you to risk your life. I was asking to use the hammer, that’s all I was asking.
MAR: Mm-hmm. And if you need the hammer, you can come back and get it, but I’m not going into the forge again.
MARS: So be it.
JAS: It’s at this time that the three - Henry, Wayne, and Hesperis walk in.
WINK: Hello!
MAR: Hi.
JAS: [as Henry] How you doing?
MAR: Fine.
JAS: [as Henry] What’s this I hear about a forge? [as DM] Henry says.
WINK: Hesperis just gives this, like, kind of - I don’t want to say sheepish, but like, embarrassed grin. Where she’s just like, “Hehehe. I may have said too much.”
MAR: If you go up that ladder into the hayloft, there’s another ladder, and if you go down there’s a forge, and if you go into the forge, there’s an owlfolk doing something potentially very dangerous in there. Which is why I’m out here.
WINK: I asked them how flammable the barn was, and they said probably very, so, um, hopefully they don’t ‘splode.
MAR: I would hope the forge is protected from fire somewhat, considering all the fire that’s being worked with.
WINK: Yes, but fire and ’splode are two very different things.
JAS: Henry, who was not there for the “how flammable is the barn” conversation, looks at you and goes, [as Henry] What the fuck- no! Flammable- you better not burn down my barn!
MAR: The thing that was in the crack, in your cow field? Yeah, Sylacrum has it and Sylacrum’s gonna do something really dangerous with it, and I can’t stop them, but I didn’t want them to use this cool hammer that I found in the forge under your barn.
WINK: Is it technically stealing if finders keepers and they didn’t know it was there in the first place?
MAR: Also, the original owner’s been dead for about seven centuries.
WINK: So, is it technically stealing if we keep this hammer that was in the forge that’s under your barn?
JAS: [as Henry] Keep the hammer, that’s the least of my concerns. What -
NORTH: Henry and Wayne have not heard anything about what was in the crack in the ground, right?
JAS: No, they don’t know, they weren’t there for this.
NORTH: Henry was, wasn’t he, when Sylacrum pulled it out of the ground.
JAS: No, Henry was back up in the house.
WINK: Henry had run back in cowardice because Jas forgot to roll initiative for him.
JAS: Yeah, Henry ran away ‘cause he was scared and got hit by the fear. So!
MAR: Oh, yeah yeah yeah, he failed the Wisdom save.
WINK: Allegedly.
MAR: Allegedly.
JAS: Wayne and Henry look at each other- Henry says [as Henry] Imma go check on- [as DM] And Wayne nods and says, [as Wayne] I’ll stay here. [as DM] And so Henry goes up the ladder to the hayloft and climbs back down- starts climbing down into the forge. And you hear a very loud, [as Henry] What the fuck?!
MAR: Can I cast Shield of Faith on Henry?
JAS: Yeah.
MARS: What’s the door to the forge made out of? Because I know it’s the ladder down, but wasn’t there a door in between that.
JAS: So, there’s a door at the top of the stairs, but it is made out of wood.
MARS: Okay. ‘Cause I thought there was a door at the bottom as well.
JAS: No, there is not. There’s a doorway, but there’s not a door. What’s up?
NORTH: Out of my own curiosity, when Caelum fell through the wall, was this like a wall crumbled, or like the wall slid open? Like a hidden door.
JAS: It was a hidden door. Caelum leaned on it and fell through as it pushed open.
MAR: Let me look at the specifics on Shield of Faith.
NORTH: I was about to say, I have no idea what that does.
MAR: It’s for up to ten minutes as long as I’m concentrating, Henry has a +2 bonus to his AC. Just ‘cause I’m a little bit concerned about what’s happening here.
NORTH: Don’t blame you.
JAS: Fair.
MAR: Yeah, I was gonna try and call Henry back and do it, because I thought it was a range of touch, but it’s a range of 60 feet, so I don’t have to do that.
JAS: Right. Yeah, no, you’re Gucci.
NORTH: How far down is the forge under the barn?
JAS: Uh.
MAR: It is less than 30 feet if Cire’s Detect Magic detected the forge.
JAS: Yes. I would say that it is probably right at 30 feet, which is about 3 stories down, so.
NORTH: Okay.
JAS: So it’s a long-ass ladder.
NORTH: Yeah, but obviously not enough to stop the Fissure Core piece explosion.
MARS: It’s not gonna explode, it’ll be fine.
JAS: Henry comes down here, he looks around the forge in wonderment.
NORTH: Does he have darkvision? Oh he does! He has a cyber eye, nevermind.
JAS: Literally has a cybernetic eye.
WINK: No stupid questions, only inquisitive idiots.
JAS: And you see him looking around, and he is like, [as Henry] You know, the past few days, I’ve seen enough weird shit for a lifetime.
MARS: Yeah, no, this one’s definitely up there.
JAS: [as Henry] What are you planning on- what are you doing? Hesperis said something about burning down my barn?
MARS: No. I’m not going to burn down the barn. I’m just going to try to weld a potentially Citarya-powering device into a shield. In a burnt-out forge. That a corrupt businessman wants to use to “power” all of Citarya, but I believe it is… what’s the saying y’all use? Horseshit?
JAS: He sits down on the stool that the note was on that y’all found, and he says, [as Henry] There is not enough whiskey in the world for this.
WINK: I adore this man. Why do you create such compelling NPCs?
MAR: I need it to be known that Jas was doing the pointy fingers. Which are the silent equivalent of happy DM noises.
JAS: Henry says, [as Henry] Well, I guess you’re welcome to use the forge. Thank you so much for asking, but…
MARS: To be fair, that thing’s bricked over. And I’m not exactly forging this thing into it, I’m making a shield and then haphazardly putting this thing into it.
JAS: [as Henry] All right, well, as long as you don’t burn down the place.
MARS: I’m barely even using any fire.
JAS: [as Henry] That “barely” scares me, I’m not gonna lie. But I will let you get to it. Don’t burn it down. [as DM] and he starts to climb back up the ladder.
MARS: I’m gonna do something completely stupid.
JAS: Oh, God.
NORTH: Right after you told this man you would not burn down his barn.
JAS: If you burn down this barn, I am going to commit a crime against you; I will burn down your apartment.
MARS: Gee, thanks, then I won’t have to pay any more rent.
JAS: Cheers, bro, I’ll drink to that.
MARS: Uh. You said the entire forge it bricked over, right?
JAS: The place where you would- yeah. The forge, yes. Is bricked over, minus the chunk that Cire carved out.
MARS: How long do you think it would take to break all of it.
JAS: With the hammer Cire has, probably not too long. Or, your pick, you could probably pick at it.
MARS: Yeah, but I feel like that would take longer.
JAS: It would take a minute. It would take a hot minute, but, you could do it in less than a day. You’re not sure that you could get the forge operational in less than a day, though.
MAR: What time of day is it?
JAS: We are… approaching… afternoon/evening, probably around four.
WINK: Four is the color purple, and also of Thursday.
JAS: Yeah. I’ll take that, as I drink my purple Monster. Sylacrum, you said that you were going to do something stupid?
MARS: I want to see if I can clear the forge.
JAS: Okay. With what?
MARS: I’m gonna see if I can get the hammer from Cire.
JAS: Okay, then do it. Do that.
MARS: So Sylacrum climbs back up and goes, yeah, I need the hammer.
MAR: Okay?
MARS: Can you pass me the hammer?
MAR: Did you just climb up the ladder? Cire is in the barn, she hasn’t climbed up into the hayloft.
MARS: Yeah.
MAR: You’re yelling from the top of the hayloft down into the….?
MARS: Yes.
MAR: Okay. [STAMMERING] I guess Cire is going to climb the ladder up into the hayloft and just toss the hammer towards Sylacrum.
NORTH: This thing’s gonna crush him all the way back down.
JAS: Roll a Dexterity saving throw to see if you can grab it.
MAR: No, I didn’t want to throw it far enough that it was… I wanted it to be within reach of the ladder but not far enough that it would push him off of the ladder.
JAS: No, it’s not gonna push him off of the ladder.
MAR: I just wanna toss and have it land kind of near him so he can grab it.
WINK: Make a non-Newtonian attack roll.
JAS: Yeah, you throw it up there. Sylacrum, you can grab it.
MARS: Thank you! And takes the hammer, and kind of like too lazy to climb all the way up, leans over, grabs it and starts pulling it back towards them.
JAS: Great, yes.
NORTH: How heavy is the hammer?
JAS: It has the “heavy” quality, which means it’s fuckin’ heavy. You cannot wield it unless you have an 18 to Strength.
NORTH: Oh, okay.
JAS: You could wield it, actually, at disadvantage. I don’t think Valus could…
NORTH: I don’t think Valus could pick it up.
MAR: I don’t think Valus could lift it.
MARS: I don’t think… well…
JAS: [SINGSONG] Scrawny professor!
WINK: Hesperis could lift it.
NORTH: What’s your Strength?
WINK: Fifteen.
MAR: Yeah, but you would wield it at disadvantage.
JAS: Yeah.
WINK: Fifteen is my lowest. It used to be a thirteen, but I took a +2 to it when I leveled up.
JAS: Okay, we go back down into the forge and you’re gonna clear out the forge. Make a Strength check.
MARS: You said Strength check, right?
JAS: Mm-hmm.
MARS: That’s a eighteen.
JAS: Cool, roll a d6.
MARS: 2.
JAS: It is going to take you 2 hours to completely clear out the forge.
MARS: Sylacrum just starts getting to work, and starts clearing out the forge.
MAR: If Cire hears the commotion of clearing out the forge, I think she would head down and pick up like, some kind of mundane tool and start helping.
JAS: Okay, cool. Roll a Strength check.
MAR: That’s a nat 1.
JAS: You pick up a normal hammer, and you take it at this brick and the hammer breaks.
MAR: Cool.
MARS: You don’t know your own strength there? This is why I wanted the big one.
MAR: Cire goes back up to the hayloft.
[MUTED LAUGHTER]
NORTH: Is this out of just frustration?
MAR: Yeah.
[NORTH LAUGHS]
MAR: She tried to help, and hearing that was not…
JAS: All right, what are the rest of you getting up to while Sylacrum is clearing this out.
MERCER: Caelum is fully dissociating.
JAS: Yikes, bud!
MERCER: Not like in a bad way, just like, there’s nothing he can do to help right now.
WINK: Might as well stare at a fucking wall.
JAS: Fair enough.
MAR: I think about an hour or so into Sylacrum working, Cire would head back down into the forge and stand there for a second, and compose herself a little bit, and… do you think my axe would help at all?
MARS: Maybe.
MAR: I wouldn’t want to break it, though…
MARS: Well, yeah, that’s the thing. It would probably work better with something blunt.
MAR: Right, but my only other option is the sword. Since you’re using the hammer.
MARS: Actually… you have a mace, don’t you?
MAR: I do!
MARS: Give it here real quick.
MAR: Okay? And she’ll hand over the mace.
MARS: And I get to use the other little forge domain cleric thingymabobber whatchamacallit. Which is…
MAR: Channel divinity?
MARS: Channel divinity, yes, but…
MAR: Is it the same thing you did to her axe?
MARS: Mm-mm
MAR: Oh!
MARS: Artisan’s blessing, because it’s a second-level channel divinity, and it can create simple items, must include metal components, in range to a crafted item.
MAR: Channel Divinities aren’t leveled, are they?
MARS: I got it at second level.
MAR: Oh! You get it at second, got it. Okay.
MARS: But it takes an hour and can duplicate a non-magical item as long as you have it during the ritual.
MAR: Okay.
MARS: And since we’re in a forge with a bunch of scrap metal lying around… after about an hour, there is a second damn near identical mace just chilling next to Cire’s original.
MAR: So if I break this one, I won’t lose my mace.
MARS: Yeah.
MAR: Nice!
MARS: Also, I wasn’t trying to give you shit earlier, I was trying to make a joke. You’re a bit… high-strung sometimes.
MAR: I just wanted to help.
MARS: I know, and I appreciate it. But sometimes you just have to do something stupid. And sometimes the most straightforward answer is not always the best answer.
JAS: Yeah, make a Strength check. Do it at advantage because you have Sylacrum helping you with the creation of the mace.
MAR: Ah, the first one was better. Just straight Strength check, no proficiency?
JAS: You can add proficiency because…
MAR: That’s a 21.
JAS: 21? Yeah, so you take… you actually are able to clear out the rest of it working together in the next 30 minutes. So you’ve spent an hour now, so an hour and a half working at this forge, and you’re able to clear it out and Sylacrum, you start to get it ready to be in functional use.
MARS: Two and a half hours, actually, because it took an hour to make the mace.
JAS: Got it, yes. Two and a half hours of working and you’re able to clear it out and then start to get it functional. And actually, after you clear it out of being bricked, it looks surprisingly functional. It looks almost ready to use after just getting all the brick out.
MAR: Can Cire look around and see if there’s any indication on the forge itself about why it might have been bricked over?
JAS: Yeah. Investigation.
MAR: Of course you pick the thing that is literally a zero for Cire… yeah, that’s a six.
JAS: You’re like, “it’s bricked over.” The note, question mark?
MARS: Eh-eh. Because that’s in the book, which fucking Hes still has.
MAR: Cire’s read the note.
JAS: Cire read the note.
MARS: Shit, sorry, I forgot that happened.
JAS: Yeah.
MAR: So…
MARS: So…
MAR: Forges are sort of your specialty.
MARS: Yeah, never one this big before, though.
MAR: Yeah, well. What needs to be done?
MARS: Well, if you want, you can fan the flames a little bit, and I can pretty much take it from here. I do have one question, though.
MAR: Hmm?
MARS: How in the fuck did a centaur get into this goddamn forge?
MAR: How did a centaur get into this forge?
MARS: I know damn well that old fucking horse did not climb two separate ladders every time he wanted to… I feel like we’re missing something here.
MAR: Is there another way in?
JAS: Uh, you are welcome to roll perception.
WINK: While you are rolling perception, Jas is pulling lore out of their ass.
MAR: That’s a 22.
JAS: A 22?
MARS: Perception, right?
JAS: Mm-hmm.
MARS: That’s a 6. A 2 on the actual roll.
JAS: Cire, now that it’s been brought up, you look around the forge and you’re like, how DID a horse get down here? Who’s horse is that? And you look over, you’re looking around the forge, like, how, what? And then you see it. You didn’t realize; there’s a big stone door in the wall. Now it would just head straight into the ground, but there’s a big stone door in the wall.
MAR: Can I open the door?
JAS: You can try.
MAR: I would like to try to open the door!
JAS: The door pushes outwards, and you start to push at it and you are met with inability to move it.
MAR: Okay, new question: is there a way to get the door out of its frame? Is there a way to fully take the door out and see what’s behind it?
NORTH: Isn’t it dirt?
JAS: You certainly could try!
MARS: Wait, you said it opens outwards, right?
JAS: Yes.
MARS: No, the hinges would be on the other side.
MAR: Well, it’s a stone door. Are there hinges?
MARS: It’s a door, there would have to have hinges, wouldn’t it?
MAR: Yeah, but traditional, like, metal hinges?
JAS: It has some modicum of old hinges, old-timey hinges.
MARS: They used to make hinges out of stone.
MAR: Yeah.
NORTH: If this… I’m assuming that this door means that it opened to the outside world at some point? So where does the ladder and the barn come into play?
JAS: That’s a good-ass question.
MAR: Sylacrum?
MARS: Yeah?
MAR: Are you in the mood to do something else kind of stupid?
MARS: Eh, maybe.
MAR: Do you want to help me find out what’s behind this door?
MARS: Kinda.
NORTH: Behind door number one!
MARS: Do you by chance know a certain spell…? Okay, bull strength, the target has advantage on Strength checks and his or her carrying capacity doubles.
[MAR LAUGHING]
MARS: It’s a concentration.
MAR: Wait, is Henry still in here?
JAS: No, Henry went back upstairs. Henry wants nothing to do with this. Sylacrum, what are you doing?
MARS: We’re making the elf beefier. So Sylacrum just places a hand on Cire’s back, kind of right in the middle of where the spinal column would be.
MAR: Like, between my sword and my axe?
MARS: Yeah. And it gets a little bit hot for a second, and kind of almost branded there is a magic sigil of a bull’s horns, and Sylacrum casts Enhance Ability, Bull Strength, your carrying capacity doubles and you have advantage on Strength checks, and then just kinda goes: Why don’t we just try pushing it? Like, it’s ground.
MAR: Pushing?
MARS: Unless you want to try pulling it off its hinges.
MAR: We could.
MARS: We are the strongest ones.
WINK: Hesperis is going to take a bite of her pear, and…
NORTH: I forgot you had that.
WINK: Yeah, I still have four bites of my pear.
MAR: Oh, Cire still has one bite.
MERCER: I also still have one bite.
WINK: But Hesperis is going to take a bite of her pear and, hang on, I’m going to do my best. She’s trying to mimic Wayne and Henry’s accent. So give me a minute to figure out… [FILTERING A SOUTHERN ACCENT THROUGH HESPERIS’ SWEDISH ACCENT] What are y’all doing?
MAR: Cire takes her last bite of the pear and says, maybe something story-worthy.
WINK: Hesperis takes another bite of her pear. I don’t like ladders! But I do like stories!
MARS: Cire?
MAR: Yes?
MARS: Do you want to go like, fireman carry, I don’t know, something carry our lovely tree camel moose person down here?
WINK: I’m sorry, where did camel come into play?!
MAR: I would suggest having Valus fly her down here, but I don’t think he could handle that.
MARS: I don’t even think Valus can pick up your mace.
MAR: Cire is going to cast Message to Hesperis, because they are within 120 feet of each other, and say: What is your thing with ladders?
WINK: If I was meant to go up or down, there would be stairs!
MAR: If you were meant to go up or down, perhaps there would be a beefy elf arms? Mm?
WINK: Oh no, who will carry me up and down these ladders?
MAR: Cire, with her Enhance Ability, is going to go carry Hesperis up the ladder and then down the ladder again.
JAS: Excellent.
MARS: I would like to point out that like…
WINK: Hesperis is now in the forge.
MARS: …that essentially just looks like you putting Hesperis up on your fucking shoulder with one arm and then King-Kong-ing your way up the fucking ladder.
MAR: Yep.
WINK: Is Hesperis… how is Hesperis being carried? Remember she is wearing quite short skirts.
MAR: I think she’s… like Cire’s got one arm kind of around her waist, so that she can kind of lean over Cire’s shoulder. But not thrown over her shoulder, but like just kind of there, and then she’s got Cire’s shoulder to brace on for support.
NORTH: How wide is this ladder hole?
JAS: It’s decently wide.
MAR: But Cire’s beefy! So she can do it.
MARS: It apparently fit a centaur ass up it, so…
MAR: Okay, we have kind of established that it is not how the centaur got down into the forge.
MARS: We don’t know that!
JAS: Just the image of a centaur going down a ladder is so good in my brain.
WINK: Can… hey, hey, fanart drawers out there, please draw a deranged looking centaur crawling down a ladder.
MAR: Cecil, this is a formal request.
JAS: If a centaur goes down a ladder, do they use their front hooves and their hands, or do they use all of their…
WINK: Do they do it like an ant, or do they do it like a person with an extra pair of legs?
MAR: Anyway, Cire is now going to try and rip the stone door off of its hinges, with very much the air of “hey babe, watch this.”
[WINK GIGGLING]
WINK: Can Cire have double advantage because…
JAS: I need a Strength check at advantage with a d6 added to it. For the power of lesbianism! Sorry, I’m about to piss myself over here.
MAR: Okay.
WINK: Plus a d6.
MAR: Plus a d6. Do I add my proficiency modifier?
JAS: Yes.
MAR: So, it is already 21.
JAS: Oh, Jesus.
MAR: Without the d6. And that’s a six! That’s a 27, baby!
JAS: And with the sheer power of lesbianism. And bull strength, we get this absolutely… literally unhinged, you just grab the door and yank it backwards and up over your head, and now you’re holding this massive stone door.
MAR: She’s going to very gingerly place it down and lean it against a wall.
JAS: And on the other side of the door, you see rock.
MAR: Okay.
WINK: I think… I may have a solution to this. Um. Could you guys step back about 10 feet, give or take?
MAR: Sure! And Cire is going to step back fifteen feet.
MARS: I feel like after seeing, you know, the power of lesbianism in full action, Sylacrum ducks into the forge itself and peeks around the mouth of the…
WINK: Is the forge ten feet away?
MARS: It has 3/4 cover though.
JAS: Yeah, the forge would be ten feet away.
MAR: I’m kind of imagining the forge on one side and the door on the other side of the room.
JAS: Yeah, that’s kinda where I’m at.
MAR: Cire’s kind of standing back by the forge, but she’s not hiding in the forge. She’s just standing back. Because she trusts Hesperis enough to feel like just standing back is probably enough, if that’s what Hesperis told her to do, but she wants an extra five feet.
JAS: Okay.
MARS: This is fully Sylacrum is scared about what the fuck is about to happen.
MAR: Valus has a thought.
NORTH: Do they need a fantasy U-Haul if Cire can carry everything?
[LAUGHTER]
MARS: Look, I’ve thought about this, I’ve thought about this, right. Bull Strength with the Enlarge spell.
MAR: Okay, I would like it to be known that Cire does not actually know that any of what she’s doing can be construed as gay.
JAS: Oh, sweetheart.
WINK: Oh, sweet baby gay.
JAS: That is the most lesbian shit I’ve ever heard though.
WINK: Is she flirting with me, or does she just want to sleep with me like… as a friend?
JAS: Or, is she flirting with me, or did we just get married as like, friends?
WINK: You know, like friends with tax benefits.
MAR: Okay, remember, Cire had her sexuality crisis like… maybe six months ago in elf time.
JAS: Yeah. Fair enough.
WINK: Okay, so, Hesperis is actually going to step right up, almost nose touching to this door, or, the empty doorway, now full of rock. And… does she still have her bass on her?
JAS: Yeah.
WINK: Did Cire just pick all of her up?
JAS: Yes.
WINK: So she’s going to pull out her bass and her new fancy amplifying tube. Um. With my amplifying tube, can I cast this at the first level but use second level effects?
JAS: Yes.
WINK: Okay.
JAS: I will let you do that.
WINK: Okay. And so, Hesperis is going to cast Earth Tremor - you cause a tremor in the ground within range, there’s no creatures, but if the ground in that area is loose earth or stone, it becomes difficult terrain until cleared. Um… I figure maybe I could at least loosen the stone, if I’m casting it at the second level. Would you allow that?
JAS: Mm-hmm.
WINK: And it’s not something that I would usually roll for, it’s usually a dexterity saving throw, but would you like me to make an attack roll instead?
JAS: Yes.
NORTH: I cannot wait for this to all just be for nothing. Just ground it up.
WINK: That’s a nat 20, baby. That’s a nat- Look at this! Look at that nat fuckin’ twenty! It’s sparkly and it’s purple.
MERCER: It is… a nat 20.
MARS: I need to describe Jas’ face in this moment.
JAS: Actually, no. I’m not going to let you describe my face in this moment.
WINK: Hesperis has fucked around and Jas has found out.
JAS: [GRIMLY] You are about to find out.
WINK: Oh dear.
MARS: Oh no.
MAR: Oh dear.
JAS: You wanted to roll low.
MARS: Oh no.
MERCER: Do we hear this upstairs?
JAS: Yes, and you feel it.
MERCER: Caelum is going to take…
JAS: There is nothing you can do.
MERCER: I was gonna say, Caelum is going to take the last bite of his pear and say, what the fuck?
JAS: I don’t even think Caelum has a chance to do that.
MERCER: Goddamn it.
WINK: ‘Cause I critted.
JAS: Hesperis plays on her bass. I think you just strum a single chord, and everything around you starts to shake, and the forge starts to shake. And the barn above starts to shake, and the stone in front of the door that you just saw, starts to crumble. And fall down. And you realize something. This barn was built on a hill. And as, from the outside, we see, and this hill nearly completely caves in.
[THEME MUSIC]
